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They stared at each other. Holden was breathing hard and his eyes were getting redder and shinier. Finally, he dropped his head and it seemed the fight was gone from him. “I’m a sex addict.”
“What?” Tyler couldn’t believe his ears.
“You heard me.”
Tyler laughed. “Hey, we’re all sex addicts. Don’t use that as an excuse for bringing some fucking rapist home on your birthday.”
Holden glared at him. “No, I mean it. I’m in therapy. Or I was.”
Tyler stared. For a moment he was speechless. It seemed Holden was serious.
Holden licked his lips. “It’s been going on for years. It’s consumed my life. I have to come every day, whether that’s jerking off or sex. Maybe two or three times. Previously, before I came here, I was out cruising every night. I’d get out of one bed and go right back out to find someone else. And the form it takes…” Holden’s voice was so low and so shaky, Tyler had to strain to hear. “I have to be humiliated. I have to be made to feel even worse than this disease already makes me feel. Like it’s my fault. I’ve had men beat me, spit on me, double me, piss on me. I’ve begged them to do that. Begged them to hurt me and use me and abuse me. Some have walked away in disgust, but most have been only too willing to give me what I want.”
Tyler stared at him in horror. He told himself that he would never sleep with Holden now. Not because so many others had been there before him and he was repulsed. That wasn’t it at all. It was more that he wouldn’t know how to even touch Holden in the right way after all he had endured.
“I want it like that. I can’t help it. I relive every episode for days and the more shame I feel, the more I end up jerking off over it.” Holden hung his head. “It’s all I deserve. All I’m worth.”
Tyler’s throat was tight with emotion. Holden started to sob. Deep, wrenching sobs the like of which Tyler had never heard before. He hovered by the sink, deeply unsettled, wanting to provide comfort and afraid to, in case Holden took it for something else.
Holden put his hands over his eyes, moaning in anguish and Tyler was galvanized into action. He moved forward, pulled Holden’s head against his chest and held him hard. Holden half pulled away before he abruptly slumped against Tyler and gripped him around the back with both arms. His shoulders shook as he wept.
“It’s okay,” Tyler said, stroking Holden’s silky hair. Holden felt thin and fragile in his arms. The irony was not lost on him that he was comforting a much older man who was crying like a baby. He held Holden until his tears started to slow, and then he lifted his head in his hands and looked down into his red eyes. Holden stared back at him with shame and misery written on every line of his face. “You’re brave to share this with me,” Tyler said in a whisper.
Holden tried a smile that came out as a grimace. “Now you can tell me how you lost your leg.”
“Sure. When you’re sober. You might fall asleep and I don’t want to have to repeat myself.”
They looked at each other for the longest time during which Tyler told himself that he didn’t want to never sleep with Holden after all. He couldn’t help his attraction. Didn’t want to help it, despite all those men who had gone there before. He stroked Holden’s cheeks lightly with both hands before he lowered his head and kissed him.
It was a bare brush of lips. He heard Holden’s shocked intake of breath and he tasted his tears, his loneliness and his anguish. He drew back to look at Holden and Holden looked back with wide eyes that told him the kiss wasn’t unwelcome. Tyler did it again. He touched Holden’s mouth with his own with the tenderness that maybe Holden had never experienced in his life, caressing it with gentle lips and feeling Holden’s hesitant response.
Once more Tyler eased back to look at Holden. This time he stepped back to lean against the sink because while he wanted so much more from the kiss—wanted to deepen it and feel Holden’s tongue touch his—this was enough for tonight, considering what he had just rescued Holden from.
“I should go,” he said.
Holden looked dazed. “Was it so bad that you need to run away?”
Tyler shook his head. “Far from it. I’m not running. I’m giving you the chance to get some sleep and ruminate on what we just did.”
“I think it’s more like you’re repulsed by what I just told you and don’t want to go where so many have before.”
“Don’t claim to know my mind,” Tyler said in a low voice. He gestured to his groin. “What does this tell you?”
Holden’s gaze focused on the erection straining Tyler’s shorts. “It tells me you should come upstairs with me right now. Or do me over this table. Your choice.”
Tyler dug his nails into his palms, striving for control. When it was put there on a plate for him, it was kind of impolite to turn it down. He swallowed and said, “How old are you today, Holden?”
Holden huffed. “Are you really going to use my age as an excuse to turn me down?”
“It’s kind of relevant. Answer the question.”
“Fifty,” Holden said. “How old are you?”
It was all Tyler could do not to gape. “Twenty-eight.”
“Great,” Holden said. “Just fucking great.” He pushed himself to his feet. “I’ve always liked a younger man, just so you know. Leo was fifteen years younger than me. I’ve never managed twenty-two years though. You should run a mile.” He stumbled past Tyler, going out into the hallway.
Tyler sighed because despite everything, he still wanted Holden and he wished he didn’t. He followed Holden and watched him climb the stairs unsteadily, holding onto the rail for dear life. He wanted to follow him. He wanted to undress Holden in a darkened room and lose himself in his body. Instead, he stood and let Holden walk away, before he let himself out the door and closed it behind him.
