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“What else have you been doing that you shouldn’t?”
Holden hung his head.
“Sorry,” Tyler said quietly, stroking his hand. “It’s up to you what you tell me. No pressure or judgement here.”
“I’m still using porn a lot,” Holden said.
“Okay. Is that the reason why you’re not writing?”
Holden glanced up. “I don’t know. I told myself it was writer’s block. Maybe I think it’s that because all I can think about when I’m at the computer is watching porn and jerking off.”
“You could turn off the internet while you’re working.”
“I guess.”
Once again there was silence. Tyler stretched up to him and kissed him. Then he whispered, “I think you’re doing just fine.”
That brought tears to Holden’s eyes in a startling rush. “You do?”
“Sure. You’re not indulging in so much of what you used to do before.”
Holden dropped down on top of him and hid his face against Tyler’s neck. “We need to stop. I can’t let you do this, whatever this is. I’m no good for you.”
Tyler held him close. “I’m a big boy. I’m armed with the facts and I’ve made an informed decision.”
Holden squeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t offer you anything. I’m afraid. I don’t want to hurt you. You deserve better than me.” What he meant was, he didn’t want to start screwing around on Tyler. That idea was too horrible to contemplate.
Tyler slid his hands down Holden’s back, making him shiver. “Listen to me. I don’t know what this is yet. We spent the night together last night and it was great. We don’t need to talk about where this is going. It’s too early.”
Holden felt deflated. It sounded a whole lot like Tyler had just said he was in this for the fun sex and nothing else. But then why else would he be? What else did Holden have to offer him? Certainly not financial security or the wisdom of being an older man. He’d never made a wise decision in his life. He felt like such an idiot. Listen to you. We need to stop. Stop what? He screwed you twice, that’s all, and now you’re talking like you’re in a relationship. Christ, no wonder he’s backing off.
He rolled off Tyler and slid to the edge of the bed.
“Hey,” Tyler said.
“You should go.” Holden stepped into his underwear and pulled it up. He gathered up his clothes. When he glanced back, Tyler was looking at him with wounded eyes. How fucking dare he when he had just told Holden they’d had a casual no-strings-attached screw?
“Holden,” Tyler said as Holden headed to the bathroom.
Holden ignored him and locked himself inside.
Chapter Twenty
Holden
Holden woke early, sometime after dawn judging by the amount of light in his bedroom. And considering the time of year, that made it pretty bloody early. He had a headache courtesy of the amount of wine he’d drunk after throwing Tyler out. He cursed himself. After all the men you’ve casually slept with, how dare you get upset that Tyler wasn’t anywhere near declaring his undying love for you. He tossed the quilt back and padded to the bathroom to pee. In the kitchen he set the coffee machine going and swallowed some Tylenol. Then, at the laptop, the cursor winked at him steadily. Chapter One.
He flicked through his notebook, looking for the plans he’d made for this book. It seemed like so long ago now. The book idea had been drafted before Leo had run away and it still remained that way. A draft. Without a single word written. He read over the brief outline several times, then the chapter plans. He’d got as far as outlining the first eight chapters which was good going for a guy who usually flew by the seat of his pants, putting flesh on the bones of a skeleton idea as he went along. He went over chapter one, reading the outline aloud, thinking, pondering, imagining that chapter taking shape, the first few sentences. He didn’t have any names for the characters. All that time ago this plan had been written and still no goddamn names. Still the main players were referred to as X, Y and Z. Fuck it. Well, that book was on indefinite hiatus now anyway, because the priority was Finn’s book. He looked again at that chapter one and the cursor flashing with his fingers poised over the keyboard. How to start?
He’d opened a browser before he’d even thought about it. Then he was into his bookmarks. And suddenly he was on one of his favorite sites and it was game over. Hot and heavy porn with his cock already getting stiff.
He clicked the search box. What was he in the mood for today? Not guys in army combats, that was for sure. He didn’t need to think about Tyler while he was doing that thing Tyler suggested was keeping him from his work. The thing that maybe he could avoid by switching off the internet.
Yeah, right. Holden took his cock free from his pj pants. He didn’t want to avoid this. He wanted to do it while watching hot guys fucking each other. He liked to watch one guy getting done by lots of others. Imagining that guy was himself so he could feel shame and humiliation even while watching a guy he didn’t know. Just making even the act of watching porn another guilt-laden act to torture himself with.
He typed in gangbang and wished he could watch something gentle and sedate—two guys having nice normal sex and maybe even kissing—without needing to make himself feel bad. The thumbnails came up and he scrolled through them, looking for something to capture his attention, giving his cock a stroke as he did.
There. A guy naked on a table on his back, another guy inside him while several others stood around watching. He clicked on it. Then he froze as the video started to load, questioning what he saw. No. It couldn’t be. It was just someone who looked like him.
