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“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.” The man does this weird thing with his legs, and makes some weird sounds, “You may kiss the bride.”
West pulls me into him, kissing me so fucking passionately that I get lost in the darkness behind my lids. Fucking hell, he is all consuming and I’m going to drown soon. I need to find a place to live before he leaves for Yale. I can't be left unattended once this ends. Everything always ends and I can’t have feelings.
We’ve been on the bus for a little too long and I’m starting to go stir crazy. I know everything is wild and carefree right now, but our next stop is our last stop together. The summer has been amazing, but he has college in a couple weeks and has to go live his life how he’s supposed to. He wants to be a lawyer, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life yet. I want to continue being free, enjoying traveling for as long as I can before I have to face reality.
So here I am, staring out of the window, waiting for Salt Lake City to appear, because I know what happens when we arrive. He leaves and I move on.
“What’s the plan for when we get there? You said you found something to do?” Westley yawns and stretches out. It’s been wonderful having him along for the ride, even if I always knew this is where we’d end up. He talks about endgame, but I’m not his endgame. I’m his distraction before he runs off to be a badass lawyer.
I don’t want to tell him what the plan is exactly, because we’re going straight from the bus station to the airport. I’ve already bought his ticket and he leaves in five hours.
“You’ll have to wait to see when we get there.” I reply as he takes my hand in his, holding it as if we’re a real life couple. The problem is, I never wanted to be a proper couple. This was supposed to be a fling, a wild summer ride, next stop. Reality.
As the bus pulls into the station, I suddenly feel like a terrible person. My palms are sweaty and my stomach is in knots. But I can do this. I said no feelings and I broke my own rule.
This one person has my whole heart and I fucked up allowing him to get under my skin. West grabs our bags as I slip my backpack over my shoulders and we all file off the bus.
Stretching, I take in a deep breath, hoping it’ll calm my nerves. It doesn’t, why would it? I’m about to break both of our hearts, ending this with a plane ticket back home for him.
“Where to?” He asks, I just start walking without saying a word and he follows. He’d follow me to hell if I let him and that’s part of the problem. I will drag him down, ruining any chance he has at becoming a normal human or a legendary lawyer.
We walk for a while, just taking in the sights, not saying a word to each other until he sees the same sign I see.
Salt Lake City International Airport. I’m not sure how long we’ve been walking, but West full blown stops and I turn back to look at him knowing damn well my face is giving away what I’m about to do.
“I’m not leaving Kitty.” He says, shaking his head violently.
“You are, you have a life to get back to.” I reply, stepping towards him but he takes a step back putting his hands up. “You are too important to just waste your life with me.”
“I’m fucking no one without you Katherine.” He snaps back. “Why are you pushing me away so quickly? Throwing away what we have, what we could have.”
“We have nothing Westley. I told you from the start. No feelings!” My hands fly to my head, wanting so badly to rip my hair out, or even throw myself into the non existent traffic so I don’t have to do this.
“You’re telling me that you have no feelings for me?” The look on his face is broken, I’ve broken him. Good, I want him broken so he’ll hate me.
“I want you to live your life without me in it, we can stay in touch as friends, but this will never be what you want it to be.” Those words slice through me, shattering my own heart as I hold back my tears. I cannot cry, I cannot give him a shadow of a doubt about my decision, even if it’s killing me.
“Fucking hell, Katherine. You’re serious.” He rubs his hands over his face, looking anywhere but at me. “I wanted you to come to New Haven with me, to figure out a way for us to be together. I want you in every fucking way possible. I want to grow old with you, spend our nights dancing under the stars.”
“That’s not a life I can give you. I can’t be what you want me to be.” I smack my own chest, grabbing my shirt as if I’m trying to rip my heart out.
The anguish on his face is unbearable, but this has to be done. I can’t let him throw away his life, and I can’t move to New Haven, living where my brother is.
“All I want is you, exactly as you are. Fuck Yale, I’ll go to school somewhere else. Please don’t do this.” I see his eyes swell with tears. This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I also thought we’d do this at the airport, with a crowd so he wouldn’t make a scene.
“This has to be done, we’re not a good fit.” I lie, he’s literally perfect, not a goddamn hair out of place, super fucking smart, and knows how to play my body as if he was made specifically for me. So why am I pushing him away? I’ll never find someone to be my endgame, I’m no longer allowed to have an endgame person. Not after what Knox did to me, time and time again. Even if I trust Westley with my body, I’m not sure I’m willing to trust him with my heart.
“I call bullshit, you’re being a fucking jerk about this, not letting it develop. Cutting it off before you have to deal with reality.” He snaps, “I’ve loved you for fucking years Katherine, and no matter how many times you say no feelings, I can see you. I’ve always fucking seen you. I know when you’re hurting, when you’re happy. Fuck, I knew something was wrong just by watching you go from wearing pink dresses to your worn down black shirts.”
“You don’t know what goes on here.” I say, shoving two fingers to my head, knowing damn well it’s a fucking mess up here. He’s seen me at a couple of low points, but I’ve never let him in completely, nor would I. The dark desires I have to harm myself, or how I look in the mirror and see a fucking traitor or a shadow of myself. How I wish that Knox had done this to anyone other than me. How I wish that George had devoured me in the womb like the stories I heard about.
How I went from having my brother as my best friend to being complete strangers who hate each other. No matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough for anyone, and I’ve decided that this is where I’m going. Anywhere but here and without him. I can’t let him work his way any further into my heart, tearing down the walls I’ve built with all my self hatred and trauma.
“That’s because you won’t let me Kitty.” He steps up to me, taking my face into his hands. “Please Kitty, don’t fucking do this.” He drops to his knees.
“I told you this had an expiration date, West. I’m not worth loving.”
“That’s fucking bullshit and a damn cop-out. You know I fucking love you, just like I know you love me. I see it in your goddamn eyes every time you look at me. I feel it in your touch, in your kisses.” Standing back up, he pulls me in tight, hugging me.
