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“Jack, wait, please.”
He pauses, his back still to me, but I know he doesn’t want to leave. Not like this.
“Can I have a moment alone with him please?” I ask, turning to Zane. He doesn’t look happy about it, staring into my eyes for a moment, but eventually, he just jerks his head and leaves the room.
As soon as the door quietly snicks shut behind him, Jack turns around to look at me, his expression wary.
I take a few steps forward but stop to give him some space. He’s obviously not happy with the news about Zane and me, so he might not want me close to him. Lowering my eyes, I clasp my hands in front of myself as I try to think of the right words to say.
“Jack, if I have upset you in some way—”
He sighs and closes the distance between us, cutting me off mid apology. “No, Emmy, it’s nothing you’ve done. It’s just… complicated.” He reaches out, and for a moment, I think he’s going to touch me, but he seems to think better of it and rubs his hand through his short hair. “I thought that... that maybe there was something between us, but now I know that cannot be. Not if you have a mate.”
“Oh.” A deep sense of disappointment hits me. I’ve never had much luck with men before, and now I seem to be a magnet for them. “Then why do I feel drawn to you?” I ask, pushing for an explanation. “It’s not just a crush, more like a physical pull. I feel the same towards Zane, and I thought that was because we are mates.”
A look of elation crosses his features, yet it quickly drops to confusion and sadness. “I’ve never heard of anyone with more than one mate before, Emmy,” he explains kindly. “It’s probably just an influx of hormones from your transition. I am sure the feeling will pass quickly.” He attempts to hide his quiet sorrow with a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he glances up at the clock on the wall. “Anyway, I really should go. Is there anything you need before I leave? You’re being treated properly?” He glances at my neck once again, and although I see a hint of anger, he just looks exhausted.
“I’m fine, I just want to get out of here and back to my best friend and apartment.”
Hearing it out loud, I realise that I sound really ungrateful for everything he’s done for me, as though I want to forget everything that’s happened here. Although there have been many bad things about my transition, I also wouldn’t change anything—except killing Colin, of course. I never would have met him, nor Zane or Gabriel, or learned any of this stuff about myself.
As I open my mouth to explain myself, my words become tangled in my throat, and I don’t know what to say. Jack simply smiles sadly and nods, taking my silence as confirmation. Turning back to the door, he leaves, taking his calming aura with him.
Chapter Eleven
Sitting in the window arch, I rest with my back against the cool stone as I hug my knees to my chest, watching as the moon slowly rises above me. I am wide awake while many of my unit mates are sleeping, one of the perks of being a vampire I suppose—not that I want to be around anyone else at the moment.
I’m feeling uncharacteristically low tonight, my heart bruised from the rollercoaster of emotions I’ve been put through today. I feel so… trapped. Not necessarily physically—I know where I am and that I should hopefully be released tomorrow—but in a deeper, almost metaphysical sense. I’m a vampire now, and that means I have to feed on blood for the rest of my long life, ruled by my hunger and my need to be away from the sun. It raises so many questions that I don’t know the answers to. Will I be able to live with Tina anymore, or will I forever crave her blood? What about my old life and my job? I won’t be able to work during the day, so I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself, and I feel as though I’m losing my identity.
I now also have a mate, and I have no idea what that really means going forward. Is my dating life sorted forever, so I will never date anyone else again? The idea of being with anybody else makes me feel physically unwell though. Still, it would have been nice to know going into all of this that mates are very real, and that when they become bound, that is it, they are connected forever—just that one male for the rest of my life.
A little part of my mind whispers that this isn’t entirely true, as there is a certain winged male and handsome officer that I feel physically attracted to. That’s just too complicated for me to even begin to comprehend, so I file that information away for later. I’m already feeling overwhelmed, and that would just throw me into a meltdown.
Parting ways with Zane was difficult, and I often find myself rubbing at a spot just below my collarbone to try and ease an ache there. The connection between us seems to sit here, and even though massaging the spot doesn’t help with the discomfort, it makes me feel better.
Zane hadn’t wanted to leave and looked about ready to tear the doors off the building to let me out, our mate bond wrapping around him tightly. The idea of leaving me alone in a place full of criminals was driving him crazy, and I had to talk him down and convince him I would be okay without him.
You know the world has gone crazy when I’m the voice of reason.
Something else that has been dragging me down is how things ended with Jack. He seemed so downtrodden when he left, even though he tried to hide it and put on a brave face. I feel drawn to him, just as much as I had with Zane before we fucked, so does that mean that he’s also my mate? According to him, that isn’t possible, and he’s grown up in this world so I guess he would know.
Why do I want him so much, and why won’t the feeling go away, especially now that I’ve mated with Zane? Hurting Jack hurts me, and my heart ached when I watched him walk away, knowing I’m the reason for his low mood.
After both males left earlier, I went to the library and read up on anything I could find about mates. According to several books, I shouldn’t want to have a relationship with anyone else now that I’m mated. That instinct supposedly turns off once one’s true mate appears.
Does that mean there’s something wrong with me?
Jack’s disappointed expression haunts me, flashing in my mind constantly and making me feel worse. He’s such a nice guy, and I feel like I have unintentionally led him on, crushing his hopes.
Sighing, I look out over the dark garden, wishing I could fully enjoy it in the daytime. While the sun won’t burn me, it’s uncomfortable, especially during the peak hours of the day. I miss my plants so much. Before all of this, any time that I was feeling low, I would surround myself with plants and flowers, finding that they lifted my mood considerably. Nature just speaks to me in a way that I’ve always struggled with when it comes to communicating with people.
My vampire senses give me a split-second warning that someone is approaching before the sound of their light footsteps reaches me. I fight back another sigh. It had taken me ages to find somewhere that I wouldn’t be disturbed, something that seems to be next to impossible in this place. All I wanted was a short time alone with my thoughts, but it seems I’ve been found.
A wing-shaped shadow settles over me, announcing Gabriel’s arrival. Not that I needed to see him to know this, because I already knew it was him.
“For a female who’s caused such a stir in here, you are surprisingly difficult to track down.” His deep, accented voice rolls over me, and usually that would perk me up or send a spark of attraction through me, but tonight I feel different.
Without shifting from my position against the stone arch, I continue to gaze out the window. “I don’t have the energy to fight with you, Gabriel.”
