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I couldn’t tell if I was more angry or heartbroken. I didn’t want to investigate that too deeply for fear of the answer to that question.
“Just because I don’t…” Lilian huffed and stomped her heel on the sidewalk out of frustration. I knew she was looking for the word that she wanted. “Just because we aren’t… because I don’t… doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends… does it?”
I laughed humorlessly. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“Alek… I don’t… you don’t understand.”
I didn’t understand? Did she not know who she was talking to? Sometimes I thought that she didn’t really appreciate the depth of the things that I’d done for her - the sacrifice that I’d made. I’d changed my whole life for her, for us…and now this?
“This changes everything. Lilian. You looked me dead in the eye and told me that you don’t love me anymore. You told me that the child is your business and not mine… and apart from calling my fucking lawyer right this minute, I don’t know what the hell you’re expecting me to do!”
“Then maybe you should!” Lilian yelled right back.
“Then I will!” I matched her energy. Ah – it was heartbroken. That was what that feeling was. “You can play this game all you fucking want. Lie to me, hurt me, push me away and it's going to fucking work, Lilian! You are forgetting that out of all of the sorry bastards in this world, I’m the one who knows you. Really knows you.”
The timing of everything was just too perfect.
Dealing with Nikolai and then breaking up with me again? Dropping the baby bomb and telling me that she woulnd’t let us be a family? Pulling me close to her because she felt like she needed to be protected and then pushing me away when it wasn’t convenient for her? I’d never let a woman this close to me before her, and she was only reminding me of all of the reasons that I’d always held myself away from relationships. They were just distractions. Telling me that she didn’t know if she wanted to keep the baby when I knew how badly she wanted to be a mother? Whatever the truth was… she was drowning in it and she was trying to keep from pulling me under with her.
She knew I would do anything for her.
“This is for the best… Alek, I promise it is what’s best.”
“You don’t get to choose what’s best for me, Lilian. I don’t need you to protect me.” I was so close to begging. Pride had left the building. I pulled my jacket off and slipped it around her shoulders. “I’m not a man who scares easily. You fucking know that, Lilian. That’s my baby… our baby. Our family. I don’t give a fuck what anybody says.”
Lilian’s eyes swam with tears that slowly started to fall down her cheeks.
“I’m scared Alek… I’m so fucking scared.”
I pulled Lilian into my chest and wrapped my arms around her until the trembling stopped. “Whatever you want to do, Lilian, wherever you want to go… I’m right here with you.”
Reality shifts.
The light of a thousand suns burns into my eyes so suddenly that I scramble back and away from the painful sensation with a groan of discomfort. This version of reality hurts more. Less emotional pain, but way more physical pain. Just moving to scramble away from the light is intense enough that it makes me want to puke.
“Fuck, I’m sorry… shhh… I’m so sorry…”
Not Nikolai then.
Nikolai would never apologize for anything.
A soft female voice whispers to me and for a moment, I can’t shake the image that Lilian has crawled out of my head and into this version of reality because they always blend together… and then I realize that I’m awake. Freezing, shaking, and awake.
How many days has it been since Nikolai was in here last? My tongue automatically starts to probe the space in my mouth where he knocked a damned tooth loose this last time. Maybe it’s only been hours… everything is so swollen that it’s basically impossible to tell. At least there have not been any new injuries. Nikolai is a very neglectful kidnapper, it would seem.
The woman in front of me is even more beautiful than my mind’s eye remembered.
I groan as I push myself up into a seated position. Funny how the chains somehow feel heavier now that I’m starting to recover just a little bit. It’s a mixed blessing. Feeling better when he comes back means that it’s just going to hurt worse than the last time. At least when the pain is a constant, everyday thing, you can kind of get used to it a little bit.
“Nice dress,” I comment as the woman squats down in front of me and then shifts her slight weight onto one knee. She smiles up at me softly and something in my chest loosens. Something hopeful and sad, a deeper part of me that’s likely only that close to the surface because of how raw that dream I just had was. Memories tend to make everything just that much harder. Her hands are warm and soft as she checks me over. Looking for fever and wiping away some of the grime caked on my face. I try to pull away from her actions, it’s a pointless endeavor anyway. She’s wasting her time here. “Careful, you’re going to see how handsome I am if you keep going.”
“Charmer” She offers half a smile and then frowns. “I don’t like the rattle in your chest.”
I shrug. Not much I can do about that. “You’re telling me. Feels about as good as it sounds.”
I lean my head back against the cool concrete wall and let her go about her business. Part of me wants to tell her that there’s just no point. It’s not like I’m getting out of here alive, and all of her hard efforts are only prolonging the inevitable. I keep those sorts of grim thoughts to myself as she wipes and disinfects.
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re used to this kind of thing?” She asks me finally, in a resigned voice.
