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The question forced Natalia back. She withdrew her hand and Sam guessed what would come next. She hated being right. Hated that Natalia couldn’t stand more than a flash of vulnerability before bolting.
“What do you want from me, Samantha?” The question might have been meant as a defensive response, but there were no hard edges to it. No bite.
“What are you willing to give?” Sam knew it was a line in the sand. A showing of cards she couldn’t take back.
Natalia slid further away. “I’m never going to be some sweet housewife. I’m not going to rub your feet after a long day and ask you how you’re feeling. I don’t know how — I’m not interested in some domestic pipe dream.”
Sam looked at her for a long time. Looked at Natalia until she could see beyond her defenses. “I never said I wanted that, did I?”
Natalia shifted under Sam’s sharp tone but didn’t reply.
“I have no idea what you want, Natalia.” She leaned forward, hoping Natalia would really listen to her. “You being here with me. With my family —” She stopped herself and adjusted her tactic. “You scare the shit out of me, but that doesn’t seem to change the fact that I want to get to know you for real — not just your body — you.”
She didn’t add that Natalia was so close to having the power to hurt her. That she’d be crushed if Natalia walked away.
“And I don’t need you to be anyone you’re not. I like that you’re a pain in the ass, and don’t take shit from anyone, and that you’re so much smarter than anyone I’ve ever met. That you see ten steps ahead and call out bullshit when you see it. I —” Sam stopped herself again and made her point as simply as she could. “I just want to get to know you. I want to date you without pretending that all I want is the fun parts. I want the complicated with the exciting. I want all of it.”
Natalia’s brow furrowed but didn’t crease. For the longest few seconds of Sam’s life, while she sat there with her chest open and her pounding heart exposed, Natalia peered into her without a word. Sam couldn’t tell if she was going to kiss her or slap her or run away.
She did none of those things. Instead, she rose slowly from the couch. “I need to take a shower,” she said before slinking away.
Deciding that was better than her packing her bags, Sam crumpled into a useless heap on the couch, the fabric like sandpaper on her raw skin. Depleted, she swallowed the pain and closed her eyes.
CHAPTER 37
In the refuge of the shower, Natalia decided, in no uncertain terms, that Samantha had no idea what she was asking for. How could she? How could she want something when she didn’t know what it was? Any attempt to take things further would only end in disappointment.
Disappointment for Samantha, anyway. Natalia already knew what lay at the end of a relationship. The misery and hurt and damage that waited there.
Sam might think she wanted Natalia. Wanted her without alteration. But it couldn’t be true. She’d expect Natalia to soften. To be some adoring lovesick fool. Well, that was never going to happen.
If Samantha saw who she really was, she’d change her mind. What reasonable person wouldn’t? A nearly fifty-year-old woman that had never been in a committed relationship in her adult life? What kind of madwoman would choose that?
Not that Natalia would change anything about her life. She was not defined by absence. She was more than enough on her own.
Natalia closed her eyes and tried to delete the sound of Samantha’s cries from her mind. The agony had been palpable. Deafening.
She wanted to forget it. Wanted to turn back time and never come on this trip. Fuck Zoe. And fuck vampires. And fuck all the conflicting feelings waging war in her chest.
Her instincts screamed to shut this down immediately. To push Samantha away for both their sakes. It was far safer than laying her exposed heart in someone else’s hands. Or worse, accepting Samantha’s for safekeeping.
An unfamiliar ache bloomed in her chest as she imagined, just for a moment, allowing Samantha inside. Of giving intimacy a chance, even if it left her raw and terrified.
But fear quickly drowned out that fragile spark of hope. Better to push Samantha away now than wait for the inevitable dismay when she learned the truth about Natalia’s irreparable heart. It would hurt less this way.
Shutting off the water hard enough to break the stupid handle, Natalia emerged from the shower with a plan. There was only one way to end this absurd foray into romantic feelings. She’d show Samantha exactly how unsuitable to dating she was.
Without wasting time on dressing, Natalia pulled a robe off a hook behind the door. She didn’t bother to dry her hair or put on makeup. She was still tying the belt around her waist when she strode out of the bedroom.
She knew how to end this — she’d give Samantha a taste of her worst self. It was the only way to save them both from greater pain later. Ignoring the unease in her gut, she stormed into the living room, ready to unleash every caustic barb in her arsenal. The fact that Samantha had fallen asleep on the couch was no deterrent.
“Hey,” Natalia snapped, a rude awakening in more ways than one.
Samantha’s eyes snapped open, but Natalia didn’t wait for her to fully rouse. She needed to end this. Right now.
“You think you want this, huh?” Natalia’s pulse was a jackhammer assaulting her aorta and blurring her vision. “How about I prove you wrong?”
Sitting up, Samantha’s expression was serious. Looking too human without her glasses and cool clothes, hair wavy and messy. Natalia forced herself not to look away.
