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“I’m never going to be jealous of what you had.” She swallowed the irritating lump in her throat. “Though… I am sorry you lost it.”
Sam’s eyes were so dark, so brimming with affection and emotion and a thousand other things that should scream for Natalia to run.
“I’m sorry too,” Sam agreed quietly. “Weird as this might sound, I think you’d have really liked each other. She was such a badass in her own way.”
The crack in Natalia’s chest spread. “Yes, well, perhaps she would have been open to a throuple.”
“Oh, man. She was so jealous. I don’t think I could have gotten her to go for that.” Sam laughed with her whole being. “Have you ever done something like that?”
Natalia followed the outline of Sam’s tattoo with her fingertips. “I wasn’t exaggerating when I told you there’s never been anyone after Kate. Only sex. No commitments. No dating. Nothing with a drop of expectation.”
Sam turned, her face suddenly so close, but not in a disturbing way. It was almost… nice. “Don’t you ever get lonely?”
It was a handful of syllables, but each one landed like a hollow point bullet — striking her and leaving untold havoc behind.
“I don’t believe in loneliness,” she lied out of habit. She closed her eyes and almost corrected her statement to sometimes.
“Everyone gets lonely,” Sam continued. “Although there is nothing worse than feeling lonely when there’s someone lying in bed right beside you.”
The simple confession was another shot into Natalia’s ravaged body. “You’ve felt that before?”
Sam nodded. “The first woman I dated a few years after Sofia. She was nice. An objective match on paper, you know?” Natalia did not know, but she nodded. “Blanca joked that she was lovely, but she was a one-gallon person.”
“One gallon person?”
With a chuckle, Sam explained, “She has this theory about people’s emotional depth. There’s one-gallon people and ten-gallon people and it’s impossible to pour ten into one, so when there’s a mismatch, both parties will always be unsatisfied.”
The concept made sense. A disquieting amount of sense.
“And how can you know whether I’m ten gallons? I may have fewer than one.”
At the legitimate question, Sam snaked her arm around Natalia’s waist and held her a fraction too tight. Somehow, it wasn’t tight enough.
“Babe, you might be the entire ocean.” She smiled and leaned in to kiss her. “I think you feel so much,” she whispered, lips so close they brushed against Natalia when she spoke. “You wouldn’t have closed yourself off for so long if you didn’t feel so deeply that it was unbearable.”
Punched in the gut with the truth, Natalia nearly squirmed away. “And if you’re wrong?”
“I’m not,” she replied with enviable conviction.
Natalia closed her eyes, feeling more supported than trapped by Sam’s body around hers. “I’m going to disappoint you,” she repeated her earlier disclaimer.
“That’s my problem. So stop worrying about it.” Sam’s hand on her back was warm and steady. “Stay with me tonight?”
The question was a sudden pounding in Natalia’s chest. A twisting in her stomach. “I can’t,” she whispered, but only said the rest of the sentence in her head, but I want to.
CHAPTER 42
The middle of April was an unfortunate time for a heat wave. Humidity was so high that it was more like an August afternoon than a spring morning when Natalia arrived in the office. Forced to pin her hair back when she could not tame the frizz, Natalia stomped into the office feeling unlike herself.
It had nothing to do with having left Sam’s bed just hours before sunrise. Or the fact that she’d been unable to sleep when she finally made it home. It was the weather and her hair and not the ache in her belly. Why people called the unsettling feeling something as whimsical as butterflies, Natalia had no idea.
Sitting at her desk, Natalia found it impossible to concentrate. She’d operated significantly more sleep deprived before, but she couldn’t string two damn thoughts together without drifting to Sam. Without feeling her on her skin and lips. She’d almost been unhinged enough to consider skipping a shower. To keep the scent of her close.
“Natalia,” Lola’s voice forced her attention to her open glass door. “Do you have two minutes to go over my proposal for the United in PRIDE gala? Silent auctions are so overdone. Instead of spending money on retreats and spa packages, I was thinking about funneling our energy into creating stipends for young adults living on their own.”
Nodding, Natalia invited Lola to sit with a look. While she presented her well-researched idea, Natalia’s mind sparked.
“What do you know about starting a scholarship fund?” Natalia asked when Lola was finished and she’d given her feedback.
