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She stands from the chair and moves around the table, landing on my lap. Her arms wrap around me softly until her small hand is brushing the back of my neck and her warm breath lands on the lobe of my ear. Again, no words are said, but she’s there, on my body, against me, holding me close.
I wrap my arms around her and lose myself in tears for the first time in twenty years. At first, the humiliation of crying wrecks me a little more than it should, but the tighter Kenzie holds me, the more therapeutic the tears become.
“You know he would want you to be happy, right? He’d want you to live the life he couldn’t… for him.”
“I know. Deep down, I know that, but… it’s not fair. He shouldn’t have been cheated out of watching his kids grow, out of holding his wife because of my mistake.”
“It’s not fair.” She holds me tight. “You’re right. It’s never going to be fair, but you have to know this wasn’t your fault. You were both there. You were in charge, but you were a team. You said so yourself.”
Reasoning tells me she’s right, but the emotion of it all clogs in my arteries and renders me immobile every time. I can’t figure how I deserve anything good. Even now, my entire being aches for Kenzie, but I feel guilt for that too. What did I do to deserve such a bright spot in the sun?
Nothing. So… I stole it.
I coerced her into working for me. I followed her around. I took what pieces I could get, because I figured that’s all I could have. But now that I’ve had it, I want more. I need more.
She brushes the side of my face. “You have to live for him. That’s how you honor his life.” These are words I’ve heard therapists say, friends say, my brother say. But until now, I couldn’t hear them. They held no meaning.
She balls up in my arms and rubs her hand over my chest, stroking the tight spot at the base of my neck. A scar, the first place I was shot. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
“I haven’t been able to let this go for years. It’s so hard to deal with all the ‘what ifs’ and to feel his loss every day.” A heavy sigh leaves my chest as I say, “I’ve never been sure what to do with any of this. Every time I try to analyze my feelings, I always come back to my guilt.”
She smiles gently. “James, you’ve cared so much about another person that you’ve tortured yourself with their death for years. You’ve suffered a great loss, but it’s not all your fault. Nothing is ever that simple.”
Beneath my skin, I’m vibrating. I want to believe her, but I should be punished, right? “But look at what I’ve done with the life I was given. I’ve pushed everyone away. Most people think I’m a piece of shit.”
“I don’t think you’re a bad guy, James. I think you’re human. I think you need love and someone who won’t leave, even if you make mistakes.” Her lips land on my forehead gently.
“Could you love a man like me?”
Her smile is sweet. “I think I already do.”
My heart falls to the floor and heat covers my cheeks. I don’t know what to say, how to act, what to do. I’m not even sure if I’m hearing her right. A second ago I wondered if she’d ever want to see me again. Now, we’re being vulnerable, opening up. It scares the hell out of me.
“I can’t love you and lose you.” It’s not the right thing to say, but it’s what comes out.
“Why will you lose me?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. You’ll get bored. You’ll realize I’m annoying as fuck, controlling, overbearing, possessive.”
She sighs. “Well, what’s wrong with me that I kind of like it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know… I’ve never had a guy who was so into me that he’d show up and threaten to drive through a building before.” She grins. “It’s exciting.”
“Well, that’s what I mean. You’ll get bored of that. Whatever happened at war has made me a different person. I realized that when I met you. The second I saw your sunshine, I knew it needed to be protected. I can’t stop being that guy. It’s a gnawing inside of me. If you’re mine, you’re mine.”
She lands both hands on either side of my face and kisses the tip of my nose. “You’re cute!”
I laugh, knowing how psychotic I sound, yet she’s still her happy-go-lucky, cheerful self. “None of this is cute, sunshine. I’m fucked up. I’m telling you that. If you’re going to be with me, I need you to tell me that you won’t leave and I need you to mean it. Oh, and this massage stuff, I don’t know if I can handle it. Seriously… I was going to burst watching you touch other men.”
She drags in a deep breath and stares toward me. “I see your pain, and all the hurt you’ve been through. I see it and I want to heal you. I want to take all the bad you’ve ever felt and make you good again, but that doesn’t mean you get to control me. I will keep working, I’ll keep massaging, and you need to know that it’s professional. That’s all.”
My heart squeezes and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I don’t want her hands on other men. I don’t want other men getting off to the thought of her touch. I don’t want her skin touching anyone else’s. That said, I understand what she’s saying, and I want her to know how much I respect her and all the hard work she’s doing. “What if you wear something a little less… revealing when you do it then.”
She grins and leans into my forehead for a kiss. “I can work with that.”
The sweet scent of berries linger in the air as I run my hand over the smooth edges of her skin. She’s perfection. This moment is perfection.
