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Inhaling deeply, I laid my head back and closed my eyes. “Nah. It just stirred up some of that anxiety, and I haven’t had much sleep since.”
“You need something?”
My eyes instantly shot open again, and I sat up, my back straight like a metal rod. “What? No.” He leaped to his feet, hurrying to a rich, mahogany desk across the room. It was old and didn’t match the two large white bookcases that filled the walls on either side—those were so much more modern and new. “I don’t… Ali… seriously…”
The mismatch of things in this house had me curious.
There were old, expensive pieces that I’m sure were worth thousands, but they were paired with these newer, less sturdy-looking things—almost like someone had run out of money halfway through decorating.
“Shay, I’ve got this. It’s fine,” he placated, throwing open the top drawer and shoving his hand inside, up to his elbow. “What are big brothers for if not to help solve their sister’s problems when they need help. I’ll always have your back, you know that.”
But was it really having someone’s back if you’re supplying a reformed addict with the thing that almost destroyed them?
“Ali, you know I don’t do that shit anymore,” I tried to tell him. “I haven’t since you went to prison. I’ve been clean this whole time.”
A smile flashed across his face as he pulled a small Ziplock bag from within the depths. “Ah-ha!” he sang joyously, shaking it in the air, the three or four pills shuffling around. “Here, you can take these.”
He tossed them, and without even thinking, I reached out. They bounced between my hands a couple of times before I finally managed to wrap my hands around them.
It was jarring.
Feeling the shape of them clutched in my grasp, the muscle memory still there as I imagined myself pulling the sides of the baggy open and digging around inside with two fingers to try and get one of the pills out. It always took a couple of goes. The bags were so tiny I always struggled to grasp them.
“No.” I tossed the bag onto the coffee table and leaped to my feet. My heart was racing, and I couldn’t stop shaking my head. “No, Ali. I don’t need them.”
“There’s no shame in admitting you need a little help, Shay,” he whispered, holding my gaze from across the room. “I can see how tired you are. I can tell how desperately you want to rest.”
He wasn’t wrong.
It was a week since I’d had a full night’s sleep, and it was less than that before I needed to be back at work.
How was I meant to be responsible for other people’s lives when mine was slowly falling to pieces?
Something needed to change before then. Something desperately needed to change.
At the moment, I was getting by from napping during the day because that’s when there were no shadows.
A couple of hours at the clubhouse when Bishop needed to be there.
An hour or so on the sofa when we were just hanging around the house.
I’d even fallen asleep in the bath and woken up when the water was completely cold.
Anywhere I had a moment, I closed my eyes, but at most, it added up to four, maybe five hours a day.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the drama queen.”
For once, I was so fucking happy to hear Jason’s voice. It was the slap in the face I needed to pull me out of the exhausted haze that was beginning to make that tiny packet look somewhat inviting.
He strolled into the room looking just as I remembered, maybe a few pounds heavier but still just as smug with self-importance. “Shay, it’s great to see you.”
“I wish I could say the same,” I answered, my voice dripping with disgust. I refused even to fake being nice or polite. Ali may have forgiven him for the way he’d acted when we got arrested, but to me, he was still the asshole who used Mommy and Daddy’s money to make sure Ali took the fall for things he’d had his slippery, snake-like hands in.
He didn’t flinch at my lack of a warm greeting. Instead, he seemed to delight in it, his eyes growing wide as his smile stretched at his cheeks. “Has Ali given you the tour yet?” he questioned. “We could take the boat out. It’s a nice afternoon for a cruise, maybe you could get a tan? If you didn’t bring a bathing suit, most girls just go topless.”
“What an enticing offer,” I answered dryly, squeezing my fists together as he came closer. “Unfortunately, I’ll have to pass. Too much of a risk that I’ll be sick.”
“That’s a shame.”
