AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The misery I’d been trying my best to hold at bay came washing over me like a tsunami and I put my palms on the counter to brace as it did its worst, battering and drenching.
I’d never suffered. Not like this.
I’d never hurt and yearned and felt a desperate need for something I couldn’t have. And I didn’t know what to do with it.
I’d done everything “right” and yet everything was wrong.
Everything.
My head fell forward, and I simply let myself feel it. For the moment, it was all I could do.
A sharp rap on the bathroom door jolted me from my pain stupor and I lifted my head. “What?”
“Just making sure you didn’t drown in there.”
I was drowning. Emotionally, anyway. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
I opened the medicine cabinet and removed my razor, but then stood there looking in the mirror again. The scruff felt like all I had left of her and so I put the razor back, unwilling to let this very small piece of her go in the dwindling hours before my responsibilities could no longer be ignored.
I dressed quickly and went back out to the kitchen, where Lexi was just sliding a plate of bacon and eggs onto the counter. I sat down and studied the food warily. It appeared edible and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, so I picked up a fork and took a bite, chewing for a moment before admitting, “This is decent.”
“Well, thank you,” she said. “I’ll take that as a high compliment from you, Mr. Foodie. I’m more capable than you might think.”
“I never said you weren’t capable.” I picked up the coffee she’d placed next to the plate and took a sip.
“No, but you think it. I can tell. That’s okay. I have nothing to prove to anyone, unlike you.”
I looked at her over the rim of my mug. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Listen, I’m not going to beat around the bush with you, Gage. I’ve taken the last two days to investigate exactly what went on since the last time I was here. I talked to Mom and Blakely and Faith Lorenz too, and I drove over to Pelion and visited the Hales as well because I wanted the full scoop from everyone involved. The only place I didn’t go was Mud Gulch because while I obviously don’t mind overstepping, I thought that’d be a step too far.” She put her hand up when I opened my mouth to interject and demand that she not to make this more difficult on Rory. “However, I don’t think that’s necessary anyway because I figured out the gist based on”—she waved her hand around in the air—“the club and the critters and the scruff and the fire hydrant in the park.” She exhaled and then pulled in another breath and went on. “It’s obvious you’ve landed yourself in a big ol’ mess of your own making, brother of mine. I’m not surprised, and I’m actually not disappointed because I think it might be exactly what you need.”
What the actual hell was my sister going on about? “Lexi, whatever you’re trying to say, just spit it out.”
She raised her hands and then dropped them. “An engagement to Blakely, Gage? Really? A woman you’ve never treated as anything other than a sister because it’s obvious that’s the only way you see her? In an effort to move on from her heartbreak, she came up with this? And then she pushed you into it because she knows your weak spots. Not to mention that low-down move at your party.” She set her hands on her hips. “It might have actually worked under different circumstances,” she murmured. “Jesus, I’m annoyed with the both of you.”
“I made it clear that I never agreed to an engagement.” I’d spoken to Blakely and her mom who had both apologized for attempting to force the issue with that false announcement. “But, initially, she didn’t push me into thinking about it…and it wasn’t the worst idea,” I muttered, because my sister was looking at me like I was something she’d found on the bottom of her shoe and I felt the need to defend myself. “Marriages have been built on less.”
She slammed her hand down on the counter, making me startle and slosh coffee onto my half-eaten eggs. “Is that what you think you deserve, you imbecile? A marriage of convenience that will never be anything more? I can’t believe you even considered the proposal for a hot minute. Of course you’d come to care for Blakely—you already do. But you were willing to accept a life lacking in passion?” She shook her head, looking heavenward. “God, why am I even asking? You’ve already accepted that.” She paused, watching me for a moment. “Who are you, Gage? What sets your soul on fire? I’d really like to know. And I’m sorry Dad never asked you that question, never encouraged you to find yourself. He tried to create a clone of himself, and he succeeded, not because he’s a bad person, but because he clawed and fought for everything he had all his life, and he turned that ambition on you too. And you, so eager to please, so kind and generous and good at everything you do, you went along with it out of love and out of duty. But Gage…the world needs you. The people who love you want you, whether or not they know it yet. Fight for yourself first, and then fight for the life you want. Fight for the people you want in it. I’m pretty damn sure there’s one in particular.”
I let out a loud whoosh of breath, overcome by the ball of emotion that had made its way up my throat at her words. God, Rory had said something similar to me but she’d said it with understanding because she felt duty-bound too.
Lexi was right. Maybe I didn’t fight for the things I wanted because I was still able to have a small portion of them. I’d made due with scraps, giving most of myself to others and suppressing my strongest desires. But I couldn’t do that with Rory. I wanted all of her, every imperfect bit. But I knew that I owed it to her to give all of myself as well. And if I was going to do that, it meant acknowledging my dreams and trying my best to live them.
“If I do, it’ll kill Dad,” I said on an exhale, the words streaming together.
Lexi watched me for a second and I saw the empathy in her eyes. “You underestimate him. Dad pulled himself out of squalor with nothing more than a library card and the grit of a thousand men. He forged his own path and he can handle you choosing your own for once as well. He can adjust his sails. If given time, I know he can. And even if he can’t, you get to be more than Dad’s legacy, Gage. Your happiness matters too.”
I leaned back in the stool and clasped my hands behind my neck as I considered my sister. Perhaps I’d underestimated my father, but I’d definitely underestimated her. I’d thought of her as flighty, someone to write off because she was doing something I considered whimsical and unnecessary. But who was I to say whose dream was irrelevant? She was out living her life in the way she wanted to live it while I was accepting an existence where, most of the time, I felt cooped up in a Gage-shaped mold of other people’s construction. I didn’t fit in it, and I didn’t want to. Not anymore. “Most of my life, I’ve done things for other people,” I said, the words gritty, scraping past my throat because even now, I was afraid to say them. “I was never scared to lose because I wasn’t attached to the outcome—it wasn’t mine. But now,” I released another pent-up breath, “I want her for me. I’m all in. Every piece of my heart and soul, and I don’t know how to lose because I’ve never experienced it before. I’m so scared,” I admitted to my sister.
She reached out and grasped my hand in both of hers, holding tight. “Good,” she said. “It’s about damn time.”
My father stood as I entered the room, his smile slipping when he took in my expression.
“Hi, Dad,” I said, my voice cracking slightly. Jesus, my heart was knocking so hard in my chest I felt breathless.
“Gage? Are you okay?” He glanced at his watch. “I would have thought you’d be on the way to the airport by now. Your flight leaves in a couple of hours.”
I sat down in the chair in front of his desk and he lowered himself back into his, his expression growing more concerned.
