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FINAL CHAMPIONS
JARED
This fucking prison.
Gods, but I was half fucking insane. Because now I not only had all that Marcus had told me to process, but also the knowledge that she had made a blood oath with my past self. Not that this part was exactly surprising. Because even without knowing who Ella was to me, I would have been possessive enough over her to know I would have done anything to ensure she couldn’t escape me.
And escape me she most certainly would be trying to do.
She was trying to come home.
Something I knew my past self wouldn’t have allowed. And I couldn’t say that I fucking blamed him, as I would have done the same thing. Fuck, what was I saying, it was fucking me we were talking about, so of course I would do the same thing. Gods, but this was a cluster mind fuck! For starters, how I could I be jealous of my fucking self!? Sitting here right now wondering what the past me was doing with her… to her?
It was maddening, infuriating, and confusing as fuck! But then I knew myself. I knew how hard I fell for her the first time. Knew of the obsession that grew inside me. How hard I fell after only that first sight of her on my stage. And now I would bet my HellBeast’s tail that the very same thing had happened. That she had danced just as she had done that night, and I would be lost in all the beauty that was her.
The most beautiful sight my stage had ever seen. Gods, but I could see it so clearly, like a bitter balm rubbed raw over my soul, knowing what the past’s poor bastard version of me was going through. Had he been just as hypnotised as I had been? Had he lost his heart that day just like I had? Knowing myself, I would have fought against it for as long as possible before allowing it crack its way through my thick skin of denial.
Fuck, but I just hoped that I treated her right. That I didn’t repeat my old mistakes and had gotten my head out of my stubborn ass quick enough. That I protected her regardless… that I did a better fucking job of it than in my own time.
“J?” My brother’s voice penetrated my self-loathing long enough to answer him.
“When will I ever stop fucking up?” I admitted, trying to swallow the guilt like rocks were stuck in my throat.
“Brother, come on.”
I shook my head at that, unable to stop from thinking back to every mistake I had ever made with her.
“I don’t deserve her, Orth,” I told him in return, unable to stop my head from falling forward between my arms that were resting on bent knees.
“Bullshit,” Orth said, making me shake my head and a tear escaped, dripping down my nose. Admittedly, not a feeling I had felt since the day she died in my arms.
“J, listen to me… Fucking look at me, brother,” he demanded, making me suck in a heavy breath and look up, letting him see the pain there for himself. A sight I was not embarrassed to share, for only my regrets were left for me to be ashamed of.
“Right, you want the truth? Yeah, you fucked up…”
“Great pep talk, steroids,” Marcus muttered, making Orth shoot him a ‘shut the fuck up’ look, before carrying on.
“…But, J, you both did, and no doubt you both will again.”
“She can’t be blamed for this,” I told him, making him scoff.
“The fuck she can’t. Look, I love the girl like the sister I’m sure as shit she will become, but her decision making is lacking.” I gritted my teeth at this and reminded him,
“She nearly died, Orth!”
“Yeah, she did, but it was her choice to push her body to that point. It was her choice to hide that shit from you. That, brother, is on her, not you.” I shook my head again and told him,
“Yeah, but if I had taken your advice, if I had only gotten my head out my ass long enough to…”
“Fuck me, brother, but how long do you wanna torture yourself, huh? Lerna died through her own choices, just like Ella would have if you had let her.” I growled at this.
“If she hadn’t overheard the shit I was saying, all the fucking lies I was telling myself, then she…” Again, he was quick to interrupt me.
“What? Wouldn’t have done stupid shit? No offence, it was bound to happen at some point, because the truth is, she was taking a risk every fucking day she didn’t say shit about her illness. But that day she had a fucking choice, J, and her choosing wrongly… well, that isn’t on you,” he said, making me sigh back against the wall, scrub a hand down my now damp face, and say,
“I don’t agree… I pushed her.”
