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“Let’s just go to bed,” I say as I get up and put his teddy bear back. “Mama is very tired too.”
He settles into the sheets with a yawn. I kiss his forehead and smooth his wild hair down. It pops right back up.
“Mommy?” Lucas asks when I turn off the light.
“Yeah, honey?”
“Do you think my dad loves me?”
“Anyone would be crazy not to love you. Now, close your eyes and get some sleep. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I close the door, leaving a crack, and then walk into the hallway.
“Oh god,” I whisper as I shake out my arms, feeling the nerves coming alive inside me. This is so bad.
I don’t know how to navigate any of this. He wants to meet him? Meet Harris?
What am I going to do?
I’m all shaky as I head into the kitchen. I pass right by the colossal pile of dishes from the party and head straight for the wine. I don’t go easy on my glass.
How can I tell Harris that he has a son? He’s either going to be furious that I kept it from him or totally indifferent. I don’t know which one would be worse.
It’s going to break Lucas’ heart if he’s rejected by his father. I don’t want to put him through that. It’s going to break my heart too.
An old fear comes raging back as I sink into the couch with my wine. What if he takes him away from me?
He could too. Harris is a multi-millionaire who can afford the best lawyers in the country. If he wants to take him from me, he’d be able to. I’m just a single mom who works as a receptionist in a dentist’s office. I can’t even afford a bargain bin lawyer, let alone a whole team of expert ones.
That was always my parents’ fear. They convinced me to keep the baby a secret from Harris. They said he would take custody from me. They said he would drag out a long court battle until I was bankrupt and forced to hand over my child.
I had wanted to tell him, but I was young and scared. I was afraid he would be angry. I was afraid he would try and convince me to have an abortion.
I ignored his calls and his emails, crying as I listened to the desperation in his sad voice on the messages he left.
I decided to have the baby in secret and then I would tell him. If he wanted to be part of our lives then, he could be, and if he didn’t, that would be fine too.
But then I had Lucas and I fell in love with his squishy little face. A protective motherly instinct took over. I was terrified of someone trying to take him away, even for a week at a time. I couldn’t handle the thought.
I put telling Harris off. Just until I recovered from my delivery, I’d tell myself. Once that happened, it was just until I stopped breastfeeding. And then it was excuse after excuse until I stopped making excuses and just got used to living without him.
I know it was wrong. I know it was unfair to Harris, but… Life is complicated sometimes.
I pull out my phone and look up images of him.
Memories of that magical night come flooding back to me. I had never connected with anyone like I did with Harris.
I was an inexperienced virgin and this handsome, powerful celebrity picked me. Of all the beautiful women there, he picked me.
We talked and laughed the whole night long. It was wonderful. I felt like I had known him my entire life. I had never experienced that before.
I went back to his hotel room and I gave him my virginity. It wasn’t a quick impersonal screw either, it was special. It was romantic and perfect and it’s still giving me shivers all these years later.
It was my first and only time having sex. I have a one hundred percent success rate when it comes to getting impregnated.
I smile as I spot a gorgeous black and white photo of him accepting a big crystal award. He’s wearing a black suit and tie, and he looks magnificent.
