AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“It’s nothing. You brought my bestie back to me. It’s the least I can do.”
She pulled me in for a hug before we exited the room and went our separate ways. Back in my car, I settled into the driver’s seat and pulled out my phone. Going to Pasha’s and my text thread, I hit the button to send her a voice message like I’d been doing for fourteen days now.
“Hey, baby.... It’s day fourteen. I miss you, Pasha. My days and nights have all seemed to run together at this point.... I’m worried about you, baby. I know you told Avyn that you’re okay, but I can’t believe that until I lay eyes on you or at least hear your voice. Just please... Call me or come home.”
I gripped the phone as I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“I love you, Pasha. That’s not how I wanted to tell you, but I love and miss you. Come home.”
I sent the message and placed my phone in the cupholder. Silently, I said a prayer. I hoped wherever she was, she was safe and taking care of herself.
Chapter
Thirty-One
Pasha
I stood on the balcony of my hotel, sipping a glass of wine as I looked out at the ocean. The cool breeze and sunshine felt wonderful against my skin. For the last week and a half, I’d been down in Charleston, South Carolina, clearing my head and my heart. After signing my divorce papers, I immediately packed a bag and left the city. I desperately needed a getaway, even if it was only an hour from home.
I had planned to come here and release my son’s ashes into the ocean. I walked along the beach the night I arrived to find a good spot. I’d said a prayer and tried to free his little soul, but I’d only been able to dump a small amount of his ashes. If I’d released all of him, that was it. I’d never have him close again, and I didn’t want that. That night, I sat along the shore and cried my eyes out.
I knew letting go was hard. I knew it would be impossible to let go completely. But I didn’t think saying goodbye would cause me so much distress. Since that night, I’d mostly been in my room. I practiced yoga and meditation. I prayed for strength and healing. My son’s ashes sat in the urn on the desk next to my journal. I’d been writing in it every day. I wrote to my parents, my son, my girls, Callum, and myself.
Callum.... I missed him terribly, but I couldn’t talk to him right now. I missed being in his arms. I missed his hugs and kisses. I missed his comfort. Every day since that night, he’d sent me messages telling me how much he missed me. He sent beautiful affirmations and words of encouragement. He pleaded with me just to hear my voice. It was hard ignoring him, but I needed my space.
Avyn only heard from me because I promised her I’d be in touch. I sent an “I’m alive, and I’m fine” message every three days. She has slipped in a few other messages, and I’d respond to what was necessary, but that was it. I needed to grant myself the peace by any means that had been disrupted the last few years of my life.
I left the balcony and headed back inside to the desk. After sitting, I went to my contact information and sent Dr. Thomas a video request. It was time for my therapy session, and she graciously agreed to do a virtual chat. The screen populated, and her face suddenly appeared. She held a warm smile.
“Good morning, Pasha.”
“Good morning.”
“How are you feeling this morning?”
“I feel okay. I was up at sunrise to meditate and do some reflective journaling.”
“Meditation? That’s new for you. How is that going?”
“Well. It’s peaceful and helps to clear my mind, if only for a little while.”
“How are you feeling after finalizing your divorce?”
I smiled softly. “Free. I know I shouldn’t have confronted Raymond the other week, but I needed to get that off my chest. Even if he didn’t care, it was important to me that he knew what he did to me and how he made me feel. Being free of him lifted a world of weight off my shoulders.”
“I imagine so. Have you accomplished anything you wanted to do since being away?”
I sighed. “I’m becoming more in tune with myself, slowly but surely. I haven’t cried in four days, so that’s a plus. Um... I still haven’t been able to let go of all of my son’s ashes. I released a little, but I can’t bring myself to do the rest.”
She offered a sympathetic smile. “That’s okay, Pasha.”
“It haunted me for days, Dr. Thomas. I saw him in my dreams, and even there, he was dead. I touched him and held him. I cried for him the same as I did when they placed him in my arms in the hospital.”
“Dreams like that have several meanings. I’m no expert in dream interpretation, but in your case, I think it means you have yet to let go of your grief. You have to find a healthy way to let go so that you can heal, Pasha.”
I shook my head. “I can’t let him go. He’ll think I forgot about him. I could never forget him, Dr. Thomas.”
“You don’t have to forget him. But I can’t imagine he would want his mommy to continue to blame herself. He wouldn’t want you to walk around carrying all of this guilt. His death was not your fault, Pasha. I saw you throughout your pregnancy. You told me how careful you were about what you ate, how you exercised regularly, took your vitamins, and went to all your appointments. You were careful. What happened to him was a horrible accident, and there was nothing you could do.”
