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We sat in silence for the longest time. I wasn’t sure what was running through Pasha’s head, but the news was a lot to swallow. Their divorce was fresh, and now the man who contributed to a lot of her pain was dead. I could only imagine that it was a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, she couldn’t celebrate his death. On the other hand, she had no reason to be sad that he was gone.
Chapter
Thirty-Three
Pasha
Raymond’s untimely demise came as a shocker. I felt for his daughter, who had lost her father, and his parents, who had lost their son. But I couldn’t find it in my heart to feel any remorse for him. I also didn’t have the energy to focus on him at all. Today was Saturday, the day of my baby’s funeral. All of my focus and energy had to pour into that.
When I went to bed last night, I was unsure how I would feel in the morning. I thought I would be overcome with emotion. I thought I would wake up in tears and not even want to go to the ceremony. However, what I woke up with was peace. There was comfort in knowing that my son was finally going to be laid to rest. There was comfort in knowing I had a place to visit him with my parents.
I spent the night at Callum’s. The morning was a quiet one. I was sure he didn’t know what to say to me, but he expressed his love in subtle ways. There were the forehead kisses, the gentle hand squeezes, and light hugs from behind as I got ready. Currently, I was in his bathroom, putting the finishing touches on my makeup.
When I finished, I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer. I asked God to continue to give me the strength to make it through today. I was thankful for Callum and his initiative in this process. The trip to the funeral home to inquire about an urn vault took a lot out of me. When he volunteered to take over the rest of the planning, I didn’t stop him. I needed him, and he unselfishly provided me with his time.
The funeral home had provided a beautiful powder-blue marble vault for my baby. Inside, his remains would be safe from moisture or any disturbances in the ground once he was laid to rest. As Dr. Thomas said, they offered me the service for free, expressing their deepest sympathy for my loss.
Opening my eyes, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was time. After taking a deep breath, I left the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. As I made my way into the living room, I could hear voices. When I rounded the corner, I was surprised to see all of Callum’s friends, Bella, Martin, and Precious, all dressed in black. When they noticed me, everyone stood. Callum came to me and reached for my hands.
“I hope you don’t mind, but they all wanted to support you.”
I looked around at everyone. I didn’t mind them being here at all. Their support touched my heart.
“Thank you,” I said softly.
Precious, Armani, CJ, and Evan approached me with flowers. I stooped down to take them and hugged and kissed them on their cheeks.
“Thank you.”
They all kissed my cheek before returning to their parents. I made my rounds, greeting and hugging everyone.
“Are you ready?” Callum asked.
I nodded. We all left the house and dispersed into our respective vehicles. Avyn and the girls were meeting us at the cemetery. I settled into the soft leather seat and closed my eyes. For the duration of the fifteen-minute drive, I stayed like that. I just needed a moment to myself to mentally prepare for what I was about to do.
Callum alerted me when we pulled up to the cemetery. He got out of the car and walked around to my side to let me out. The funeral home director was already waiting for us. I watched as he opened the trunk of his SUV and pulled out the vault housing my son. My heart fluttered. This will be the last time I ever got to hold him.
“I need a minute,” I said, looking up at Callum.
He nodded and let go of my hand. I made my way over to the director. He offered me a warm and sympathetic smile.
“Good morning, Ms. Brooks. It’s an honor to be able to do this for you.”
“Thank you.” I hesitated for a moment. “Can I hold him?”
“Of course.”
He gently placed the vault into my hands. The moment I held it, I felt a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach. Tears sprang forward to my eyes. Bending down, I pressed a kiss on top of the vault.
“I’m not ready to say goodbye to you, but I know this is something I have to do. You have your grandma and grandpa, and there’s no need to be afraid. I know they’re gonna take good care of you. I know they’ll shower you with all the love I wish I could’ve given you.... I need you to know that I love you and am sorry you couldn’t be here. You can finally rest now.”
Again, I kissed the vault before placing it back into the director’s hands. Walking back over to Callum, he received me with open arms. For a few moments, he held me and gently rubbed my back.
“Are you ready?” he asked softly.
I nodded. He grabbed my hand, and all of us followed behind the director. As we neared the plot where he would be buried, I noticed a group had gathered. Not only had my girls shown up, but their families had shown up as well. All of them held roses in their hands. Pastor Richards, who’d given my parents’ eulogy, stood in front of the plot. My heart swelled once again. The love being shown today was unmatched. When we came to a stop, Pastor Richards came to hug me.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Pasha. I had no idea.”
