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I never wanted Eva or Chris to feel like I made their moment about me. That wasn’t my intention. Their baby was a beautiful blessing, and I wish them a happy and healthy pregnancy. I just couldn’t wholeheartedly share in their moment.
A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. It crept open, and Avyn stepped in with a coffee mug.
“I made you some tea,” she said softly. She placed it on the edge of the tub and sat on my countertop. “Talk to me, Pash.”
“I want my baby, Avyn.”
“I know, pooh.”
“I don’t understand how I can be blessed with something so beautiful, and he be snatched away from me before I could really love him. I know they say God doesn’t make mistakes, but I can’t believe he would want this. There had to have been something I could’ve done, Avyn. There had to be. I refuse to believe that God wanted me to lose three babies and then turn around and give birth to a stillborn. I refuse to believe that I deserve this type of pain. It had to have been me.”
My tears started up again. Avyn began to get down from the counter and approach me, but I stopped her. I had to get it out of my system.
“Pash.... None of those losses were because of anything you did. The doctors all said that.”
“Then somebody is lying!” I screamed. “Something’s wrong with you. You’re sabotaging these pregnancies. You didn’t eat right! You didn’t take care of yourself. It was me, Avyn! Me!”
“Did he say that to you?”
“Yes! Over and over and over again!”
She hopped down from the counter and came over to me against my protesting. I tried to push her away, but she kept coming to the point where she climbed into the tub with me, clothes and all, and wrapped me up in a hug that I so desperately needed. I cried profusely against her, letting out anguished cry after anguished cry. I cried for me. I cried for the babies I’d lost. I cried for my son. I needed to purge because it was eating me alive.
Avyn pulled back and cupped my face.
“You listen to me. Raymond was a narcissistic, evil, selfish son of a bitch. He manipulated you for years, Pasha. You were good to him until you could no longer fulfill his desires. That is not on you. The loss of those innocent babies is not on you. I was with you through every single pregnancy. You did everything you were supposed to do, baby.—Everything. Losing them was not your fault. Your miscarriages were developmental. Your stillborn was... was an accident, something completely out of your control. It wasn’t you, and you have to stop believing that. Do you hear me?”
I nodded with tears streaming down my face. I heard her. It didn’t make it any easier to accept. Not when I had my own husband in my ear, blaming me every chance he got.
“I’d like to be alone,” I whispered.
“Pash—”
“Please. I just want to shower and go to bed, Avyn. I promise I’m okay.”
“You are shutting me out again. I won’t let you do that. I love you, and I’m gonna be right here whether or not you like it. I don’t care if I have to camp out in your living room. You are not getting rid of me tonight.”
She stood from the tub and stepped out. After grabbing a towel and wrapping it around herself, she left the bathroom. I sighed as I sank under the water. This was going to be a long night.
By the time I got out of the shower, I wasn’t feeling any better. I actually felt worse. On top of my grief, I felt deep, immense anger. I wanted to break something... hit something... fuck up something. I knew exactly who I wanted to direct that anger toward, but there was no chance of me getting out of my apartment tonight.
I heard voices in my living room when I walked out of the bathroom. Peeking around the corner, I saw Blake and Tia. They were all dressed in their pajamas and had made themselves comfortable on my couch. I remained quiet as I went into my closet to change into a pair of leggings and an oversized T-shirt.
Back in my bedroom, I plugged my phone into the charger and placed it on the dresser before turning back the covers and climbing into bed. Just as my head hit the pillow, my phone gave a notification. I saw it as I picked it up to see a message from Callum.
Callum: Avyn already assured me that you were safe and going to bed, but I needed to reach out to you. I care for you, Pasha. I know you know that. I know you may need some time, but I’m right here, baby. Please don’t shut me out.
I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t. My heart wasn’t in the right place right now. I knew that it was all in my head. Sleep was the last thing on my mind. I rolled onto my side and stared out the window at the lights from the city surrounding me.
Every so often, one of the girls came to check on me. When I heard their footsteps, I pretended to be asleep. As soon as they were gone, my eyes flew open. This went on for two hours until they finally all fell asleep. The apartment was quiet and dark aside from the light above the stove.
Easing out of bed, I went into my closet and closed the door. I got my keepsake box down and sat in the middle of the floor. Lifting the lid, I pulled out the blanket my son had been swaddled in. Holding it up, I buried my face in it. It no longer smelled like him, but I could never forget his scent.
I set it aside and picked up the small container that housed his umbilical cord and wristband. Jordan Michael Sinclair... my little sunshine. I picked up the photos the hospital so graciously provided me with as part of their bereavement program. Tears whirled in my eyes as I looked at his handsome little face. He looked so much like my father. Even in his cold state, he simply looked like he was sleeping peacefully. Only it wasn’t a peaceful sleep. It was an endless slumber.
I put the items on the floor and picked up the final object, his little urn of ashes. Lifting it to my lips, I kissed the cold metal.
“My sweet baby boy... Mommy misses you so much. It’s so unfair that you can’t be here.”
