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“Mmhm,” My cock stirred, on the same wavelength. “No dress at all.”
“Oh my gosh,” she laughed, the sound of it wrapping me in its warm glow. “A bold choice, and I'm pretty sure my sister would go into cardiac arrest, but I'll save the nakedness for my boyfriend.”
Was it crazy that hearing that word without the word 'fake' attached to it made my heart beat excitedly? I didn't care if it was. I was embracing crazy. Embracing something good. “Your boyfriend is a lucky guy.”
“Don't I know it.” She nestled her chin on my chest and her hazel eyes rested on me, a smile in her gaze and on her lips. “Your girlfriend is pretty lucky too.” Her smile faltered slightly and she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth. The way she bit her lip was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen, but this round was more pensive. Almost worried. “You're not the only one that's screwed up. We can be screwed up together.”
My mouth lifted into a smile. “That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.”
Growing up, I was taught that men didn't share their feelings, so I learned to view them as an inconvenience. Something to get over or power through. All my baggage was carefully stacked in the darkest corner of the closet. It lingered, but I didn't shine a light on it. “When I finally fought back against the bullies that were making my life hell, my father sent me to military school. That's where I spent my formative years. It should have been enough to show me that there was nothing wrong with me, that there was something broken in my father, but I spent a lot of years trying to be the perfect son.”
She pressed her lips against my chest. “Nothing stings quite as much as a parent's rejection.”
The familiar digging in my heels whenever I felt that pain crept over me. I locked every muscle in my body. I could hear my father's voice in my head, calling me ungrateful, listing off all the ways I was lucky, reminding me that it was the women's job to whine and complain and it was up to the rest of us to get shit done.
Penny read me like an open book, pulling herself up with concern wrinkling her brow. “If you don't want to talk about him...”
I slipped my fingers through my hair, clutching the strands tight before I let them go. “I've spent a lot of time and energy not talking about him, believing that my silence is denying him power. I'm realizing that not addressing heavy shit just increases the power those things have over us.” I was talking a big game, but my throat was on fire when I remembered the call. I dug my heels in again, but this time, it wasn't out of fear of the unknown-it was because I knew exactly what was waiting for me.
My mother, who was always bubbly, always perfect, was barely able to get the words out. The part that brought me shame even with all the ways my father had disappointed me was hearing that he was terminally ill with only a few months left to live, and I didn't shed a single tear.
“When I found out my father was dying, I felt nothing at all. It came out of left field. My father was built like a goddamn ox, and he treated his body like a well oiled machine; all organic everything, worked out religiously even at 55, and then he winds up with cancer. All the kale smoothies in the world won't help if your body's out to get you.” I cringed inwardly at my poor attempt at a joke, making light of something that was far from humorous. I expected Penny's gold flecked eyes to be burning disapprovingly, but she was just listening intently, her soft touch telling me that it was okay. That I wasn't alone. After months of putting a stopper in the bottle that was overflowing with pain, it felt good to smash it open and talk about my father. “When I heard about his grim prognosis, I expected to feel relief. He barely treated me like a son, and we had no relationship to mourn. I could finally take the reins of Wade Enterprises without worrying that he'd decide he was renewing interest in its operations and I had to share the wheel. But there was no relief, and yet, there was no sadness either. When you hear your parent is dying, there should be some tears, or anger, or something.” I clenched my fists and inhaled deep, exhaling through my nose. “And that's where I've been. Ambivalent-until his lawyer called me into his office a few days back and told me that if I don't settle down for a month, or until he croaks, whichever comes first, I'm out of a job. Then the anger I couldn't find wouldn't, won't, go away. After all the work I've done, this job is my life. I finally found my purpose. And just like that, he can take it all away. I feel angry and helpless and-” There was another H word that clutched my throat. From the way Penny's cheeks darkened, I knew I didn't need to say it aloud.
“Hate's a pretty strong word,” she said quietly.
I nodded in agreement. “Which is why I didn't say it. I've only said it aloud once in my life and I didn't mean it. And it didn't change anything.”
Fuck. That was just what I needed. I was already whining about my father, now I was bringing my ex into it? I said a silent prayer, hoping that she hadn't caught my last sentence, but the look on her face told me she was waiting for me to elaborate.
“Since I'm already Debbie Downer, I should just continue the trend and do one of the most taboo things you can do in a new relationship...talk about my ex.”
Her eyes dropped mine immediately. “Oh.”
I scooted backward, wanting to pull her close and explain that we already had so much more than Jenna and I had in the years that we dated, but I knew that this was all probably overwhelming, so I gave her space. “We don't have to talk about her-”
“No.” Her voice was soft and insistent. “We don't—but I said I wanted the unabridged Xander Wade story, and she's part of your story.” She slid closer to me and reached out to squeeze my knee. “It's okay.”
I took her hand and brought it to my lips. I had no idea what I'd done to deserve her, but I didn't take it lightly. “An unnecessary disclaimer, I'm sure, but I want to say it anyway. Jenna Wells is my past...Penny Robertson is my future.”
She scrunched her nose playfully. “Jenna—I never liked that name.”
“She didn't either, ironically. Everyone called her J, and she was a sea of contradictions. She was from a wealthy family like me, but she lived off ramen and wouldn't shop anywhere but goodwill. That being said, she found the best things, vintage and name brand everything. Her hair was always in this wild bun with strands sticking out every which way, but there was never a wrinkle to be found on her clothes. She wanted to be an elementary school teacher, but lamented at every turn just how much she hated groups of kids.” I chuckled to myself, recalling how entranced I was by her. “She was like something wild and feral, which should have been clue one that she was looking for someone temporary. But for me, she was everything. My first love. The first girl I saw myself having kids with, a future with...but she didn't want those things. A five word text the summer after we graduated from university was all I got. ‘I can’t do this anymore’. I never heard or saw her again.”
“I'm sorry,” Penny offered, her mouth twisting to one side. “And not to steal the mic or anything, but I kind of wish my ex had been cowardly enough to send a text instead of looking me in the eye and telling me that everything we'd built was bullshit. Every time he told me that I was safe with him, or that he loved me, he was planning his next tryst to the city to meet all the women he cheated on me with.”
If there was any person that deserved hatred or animosity, it was the man who broke her heart. “It's probably a good thing I don't know his name,” I said grimly.
She hitched a brow, her thick lips spreading into a grin. “Why? You gonna kick his ass?” The smile flatlined when she saw that I just might. “Oh my gosh, Xander. The alpha thing? Super hot in the bedroom, but in real life, it's too much. Like you said, my ex is in the past. If I'm being generous, maybe he was supposed to be an asshole so I could be dragged to a sex club in San Francisco and meet you.”
I leaned toward her, scooping dark and gold strands that spilled into her eyes behind her ears. There was a symmetry to all of this. When I leaned in and kissed her, I knew that whether it was fate or coincidence, for the first time, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
I was happy.
Chapter Seven: Penny
“What's got you grinning from ear to ear?”
Usually the very sound of Lara's voice was enough to send me spiraling toward some version of a panic attack. What cruel thing would she say? What snide look was she throwing the people around me? If I made myself as close to non threatening and invisible as possible, would that lessen the blow?
