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“My loss,” he remarked, smiling. We stared at one another for a few moments before he cleared his throat. “Thank you,” he began. “For coming over and, well… for giving me a second chance.”
“And thank you for giving me a second chance.”
Cole looked toward the kitchen before turning back. “You can really cook. The meal was amazing.”
I studied his body language. “You’re nervous too, huh?” I asked, attempting to make him feel at ease.
“That obvious?” he asked.
I nodded and watched him nervously uncross his legs and then recross them. He wore a tight white T-shirt and khaki shorts. No shoes. He was casual yet looked put together. Cole had a casual elegance I’d come to be attracted to over the years. Clint wasn’t like this. Clint was very much a masculine man in his dress and his mannerisms. A very attractive look indeed, but I had forgotten how drawn I was to a refined man.
“How old are you?” I asked. “I mean… gosh, that was rude,” I added, forgetting I barely knew this man.
“Thirty-seven,” he said. “Thirty-eight in three months.”
“I’m twenty-two. Just turned.”
We found ourselves in that uncomfortable stage of not knowing enough about each other to maintain dialogue. He picked at the bottom edge of his shorts while I moved my eyes around the room.
“So, just the one relationship?” he asked. “Clint, wasn’t that his name?”
“Two,” I corrected, displaying two fingers. “David and then Clint.”
“You mentioned at your mom and dad’s that you and Clint broke up last year. What about David?” he asked. We locked eyes as I hesitated to respond. “It’s okay. Forget I asked,” he added. “I’ve overstepped.”
“David died,” I said. “Three years ago.”
“Oh my God,” he stammered. “Shit, Chad. Gosh, I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” I admitted. “That was a rough one.”
“I can only imagine. I have nothing to compare except losing a partner in a break-up, but losing Jack was hard as well.”
“Did I tell you I never met Jack?” I began. “We connected quite…” I stopped, remembering his reaction the last time I admitted to speaking with a dead person. “I’m sorry for your loss, Cole.”
“You were going to say you connected with Jack, weren’t you?” he asked, leaning forward in his chair and focusing on me.
“Never mind,” I said, waving him off. “I understand you’re uncomfortable. I get it.”
“No. It’s okay if you talk about Jack,” he stated. “To be honest with you, I’d like you to. I haven’t had anyone to share him with.”
I was surprised to hear him say he hadn’t had anyone to talk to about Jack. “What about Perry? Or your ex?” I asked. “Surely you could speak with them.”
Cole leaned back in his chair and sighed, rubbing his temples in thought. “I never called Perry after the funeral,” he confessed. “And Alan had already left and didn’t seem to care that my best friend had been killed in an accident.”
I crossed the room and knelt in front of him and held his hand. “So you went through those losses alone?” I asked. “That must have been awful.” Cole’s eyes filled with tears as he stared into mine, nodding his head slowly. He opened his mouth and then shut it again, obviously unsure how to respond. “No need to speak, Cole. I never met Jack physically, but I love him, too.”
He squeezed my hand harder. “I didn’t have to go through it alone. Unfortunately, I chose to,” he whispered, his voice catching in his throat. “The breakup with Alan… the death of Ja…” Cole’s voice was cut off by emotion and he gazed at me with the saddest eyes I think I’ve ever borne witness to.
I rested my head on his lap, hoping the act would allow him to continue sharing. If he didn’t have to look into my eyes, perhaps the words would come easier for him. The idea worked as he began to explain what had happened.
“Alan leaving me was devastating. I thought we were doing well until he met someone else,” he began. “He moved out and just like that, I was all alone. I’d been in what I would’ve called a good relationship, and then suddenly it was over. Done. He simply wanted out.”
I listened carefully but did not speak. I sensed the effort it took and the pain he was in retelling the story.
Cole continued. “A month went by and I was still a mess. Mostly sad and angry. How does one go from sharing their life with a person to them abruptly leaving one day?” he asked. “I’d had plans, a future, something to look forward to. You’re so busy living the life of a coupled person that you don’t see the end coming. You don’t imagine an end even occurring. You’re together for several years, and then boom, you aren’t.”
Cole’s hand came to the back of my head and he began to run his fingers through my hair as he spoke. I was certain it was an instinctual action. I doubted he knew he was doing it. I found it comforting as I listened.
