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I picked up my phone and began typing. I wouldn’t call in case he wasn’t alone, but I could text. So I wrote and wrote and wrote, telling him to stay true to himself and to let the worst of their comments wash over him. And when I tired of typing, I looked at the mile-long message I had crafted, and shook my head. It was a huge intrusion to send this. It was me shoving my nose where I’d decided not to meddle any longer. And it was a lack of respect for the guy I was crazy about. It would appear like I didn’t trust him to deal with his own family.
So, I erased it.
Maybe I was overthinking this thing. Maybe they were playing Monopoly and singing together.
I chuckled bitterly.
There was no universe in which I could imagine Mr. and Mrs. Ramirez singing. Or having fun of any kind. Fun felt good. Sins felt good. Fun was a sin. That was the logic of my future in-laws.
I chuckled again, much less bitterly, because it just sounded right. I couldn’t imagine a future in which Sebastian wasn’t the very center of my universe. He was the well of gravity that pulled me into his orbit. I was the happiest when he was there, even if only in my thoughts.
Pull yourself together, I snapped at myself. It had only been half a day and this trip would be over before I knew it. Besides, it was good to spend a few hours alone with Dad. It was good to make sure he was calm.
After Mom had walked away from us, Dad had lost all hope of meeting someone else. He didn’t want other people. He wanted his garage and his paints. Even so, I had rarely felt like he was enjoying himself until now. He was happy.
And so was I. And so was Sebastian.
Life was beginning to make a lot more sense these days.
I closed my eyes as I lay flat on my back. I wondered what it was like at his place. Eryn would be there, of course, so he would have one person who understood him. One person who cared. The rest of them? I doubted they would show anything other than disdain and criticism. Why chase a rubber puck for a living? Why be on a queer team? Why not do something useful with your life? Are you attending Sunday Mass?
They would drive him crazy and I knew it. The knowledge filled me abruptly with fear of what that would do to him. His self-respect was fragile already, not even remotely helped by being betrayed by Jennifer, and I wondered if he was ready to face his family’s constant flow of doubts and criticism. They were like the ocean’s waves against a cliffside. They could chisel away the strongest mountains, let alone someone who needed protection the way Sebastian did. But nobody knew that. Nobody knew how deep it went with him except me. And maybe Eryn. His calm exterior didn’t let people see his hurts.
I held my breath. Part of me wanted to walk over there and demand to see him just to make sure he was alright. It would only take me a minute with him to know if they’d done a number on his mind. I didn’t doubt it.
Oh, but it was always subtle. Aside from preaching on a few topics, they rarely said things outright. They asked pointed questions. They suggested things.
I could already see Mrs. Ramirez making it seem like it was Sebastian’s fault Jennifer had cheated on him. I could see his brothers sneering and shaking their heads as if it was Sebastian’s flaws that caused the betrayal.
And if they knew about me…
I dreaded thinking about that. Who knew what those people were capable of? One thing was for sure. Nobody would be playing Dancing Queen in that house on the day Sebastian came out.
SEVENTEEN
Sebastian
At the end of the street, there was a small park too few people ever visited. There were bright green leaves on trees there and the grass was a little overgrown. It reminded me of all the times Tyler and I had played here as boys. Climbing the trees, jumping over the flowerbeds, and hiding in the bushes, we’d played every game imaginable, just the two of us. It had always been a welcome escape from reality.
Today, we weren’t going to play. There was no escaping reality anymore. We were too old to run away from things that were hard to face or admit to ourselves.
Three days had gone by since we had returned. Based on his texts, I felt like he suspected that not everything was rosy and great. Mine were short and to the point, not because I didn’t want to pour my heart out to him, but precisely because I did. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and unload all the guilt and shame and burden on him like I’d done all my life.
Selfish, a voice snapped at me.
And I had to admit that if there was any chance for either of us to be happy. My happiness was far less likely than his. It was as simple as this: I was only ever happy when I was with him. And being with him meant poisoning him slowly with my troubles.
Over the three days that had passed, my brothers were less present, but Dad was there to remind me of my failings. He was there to point out that the bright and wonderful future I had been hoping for wouldn’t just be given to me. All the work I’d put into it and I was still an unremarkable defense player with a mediocre report card in his final semester. The only chance of being successful was for a miracle to happen. And for a man who believed in miracles as much as my father, even he doubted I had earned one.
The odds were in favor of me getting struck by lightning sooner than landing a contract that solved all my problems.
I sat down on a bench in the park where I’d spent so much of my childhood. Tyler wasn’t late; I was early. I’d walked out of the house after nodding to Dad’s explanation of how the real world worked and how I’d missed my chance to study hard and have a plan B if my wishful thinking amounted to nothing the way it did.
The boiling rage I felt was directed at him as much as it was for myself. All I was capable of was tucking my tail between my legs and giving my feelings to someone else to deal with. Tyler. Always Tyler. I had used him as an escape my entire life.
As I sat down and gazed at the rustling leaves on the trees around me, I wondered if Tyler and I would have been such good friends had my childhood been happier. Would I have spent so much time with him if I hadn’t been using him to feel better?
When I heard his soft footsteps in the grass, I looked over my shoulder and found his beaming smile. It was so bright and beautiful that I couldn’t help but smile back, albeit weakly.
