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The bright light of a new day poured into our room. I sat up, rubbing the back of my neck. Something hurt in my chest like I’d swallowed a really big bite of food without chewing. The corners of my lips dragged down hard as memories returned to me. Dixon and his big arms and broad chest; Jennifer and her venomous words; Tyler comforting me. As I thought of him, the door to our room opened quietly.
“You’re up,” he said in a casual, conversational tone. He carried two steaming mugs of coffee on a small tray. He shut the door with his foot. “I bring gifts.”
I blinked a couple more times before I took in the details. His bed was perfectly made, pillow fluffed, but he still wore his pajamas. My mattress was flattened, however, like it had supported twice my weight for a night.
I pressed my lips and forced a grateful smile. It didn’t reflect the feelings in me, but it was the best I could do. Tyler didn’t have to hear it spoken to know I was thankful. We had been in this situation before. He had always anchored me and protected me from the storms taking me adrift.
As I got up, the weight of my embarrassment and shame at how yesterday had turned out pulled me down. I mustered my strength and marched to the bathroom. After I had brushed my teeth and splashed my face with cold water, some alertness returned to me. In the room, I changed into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. It was for appearances if nothing else. However cool Tyler might have looked, I knew precisely how concerns tensed his facial muscles. And I didn’t want him worrying about me.
Tyler had set my mug on my desk and was leaning back in his chair. His feet were on the desk, legs crossed at his ankles, and he wiggled his toes playfully when I looked at him. “Today’s agenda is as follows: have your coffee. Take all the time you need, but you only have forty-five minutes. Good? Good. We’re grabbing breakfast on the way, something light, and hitting the gym. I’ve got an essay in need of sources, so you’ll keep me company at the library. It won’t take long and you can make a list of assignments in order of importance while we’re there.”
I was silent, sitting in my chair, holding my mug in both hands. “Actually…”
“…you would rather stay in. I know,” he said, not unkindly.
I nodded.
“We have drills tonight,” he reminded me. “Coach Murray wants to poke holes in our defense tactics.”
Apparently, our strategies were becoming predictable. I knew that, too. “I’ll be there.”
“Of course you will,” Tyler said with a cheery smile. “We’ll go there together after we have lunch and play a couple of matches in the den.”
“Ty,” I said softly.
There was no interrupting him. “I already made the plan. You better start sipping that coffee, dude.”
I did as I was told, but that didn’t mean I agreed with the rest. Coffee helped put the gears in motion in my brain, so I sniffed and looked at my friend. “I’d still like to stay in today. Let’s not pretend we don’t know what happened.”
“Let’s not,” Tyler agreed. “Let’s take it by the balls and tell it to fuck off. You’re above this, Sebastian.”
I snorted. Right now, I felt lower than a slug. I felt like I was rolling in the dirt. Disgusting, unloveable, pathetic. “Can’t I just lick my wounds for one day?”
“Absolutely not,” Tyler said. He softened his voice and dropped his feet from his desk. He leaned in, crossing his arms where his legs had just been, and looked into my eyes. “I know it feels like you lost her, Sebastian. But you have to believe me, if that’s how she treats good guys, you lost nothing at all.”
He didn’t get it. Even if the real person was cold-hearted, I lost the idea of her. I lost the thing I cared about. And my self-esteem went with it.
“I don’t mean to push you too hard,” he said. “I just need you to trust me. Just a little.”
I trust you with my life, I thought. It was hard to speak over the thickening knot in my throat.
“This is what’s best for you, Sebastian. The shock will wear off and you’ll be glad that you’re out of that snake nest. But until then, I won’t let you fall into the trap of self-pity. Or, worse yet, to start idealizing her, justifying her, and thinking how you could change to suit her better. I’ve seen you do it, man.” He wore infinite compassion on his face. His chestnut eyes were warm and kind as ever. His light brown locks were extra wavy and messy from sleeping. “Do what I tell you. I’ll make it all better. I promise.”
And I believed him. He was absolutely right. I had gone through the mental gymnastics of justifying and glorifying my ex-girlfriends in the past. I had attempted to change myself and everything around me depending on the whims of those who didn’t want me. And I easily fell into the trap of wallowing in despair.
If anyone knew it as well as I did, it was Tyler. He had pulled me back from the brink more times than I could count.
So, for the rest of the day, my activities were decided for me. We had coffee, then a light breakfast. We walked for a time instead of going straight to the campus gym, letting the breakfast settle a bit. The trees were bare. Some evergreens towered tall over us, their branches weighed down with thick lumps of snow. The world was asleep. There was nothing I wanted more than a cozy little room and someone to hold.
“What are you thinking about?” Tyler asked as he nudged me gently.
I shook my head. “How I keep falling for the wrong people.”
He sucked his teeth. “You’re doing it again, Sebastian,” he said.
“Doing what?” I blinked against a cool gust of wind.
Tyler threw his arm over my shoulders as we strolled down the path through the heart of the campus. “You’re making it your fault. The way ‘you fall’ for the wrong ones. In truth, they keep betraying you.”
