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I ignored her words and passed Jordan’s door, wondering what he was up to, then banished those images from my head. Instead, I entered my room and shut the door before I became aware of movement to my right.
“Fuck,” I snapped as I jumped and grabbed my chest. “You scared me shitless. What do you want?”
Jordan clenched his teeth and balled his fists. “What do you think?”
I snorted contemptuously. Was he really doing this to me now? My resolve hardened even as temptation battered against the walls I had built around my heart. “If you want to tell me we can never make the same mistake again, I’m way ahead of you.”
The hurt that showed on his face morphed into annoyance. “You are?” It was a low, angry growl.
“Yeah,” I said, stepping back from him and turning on my heels so I didn’t have to face him so fully. “We were drunk. Shit happens.”
“Shit happens?” he demanded in a barely controlled voice. He kept it low while our parents moved through the house. “Are you fucking kidding me? I poured my heart out, you little…”
“Little what?” I snapped in a harsh whisper.
He chewed on the words and swallowed them instead of name-calling. “Nothing’s changed, Asher,” he said.
Those were probably the hardest words I could have heard. It took all my strength to stay calm and cool. “Everything has changed, Jordan.”
“Bullshit.” He stepped toward me and I moved a step back. I would soon run out of space. The desk and the wall were behind me now that I turned to face him. But he continued talking. “Why does it matter that they're here? They were still out there that night even if we didn’t realize they were about to show up. We were still stuck in the same mess, with them or without them in the house.”
“But they almost caught us,” I hissed.
“Almost.” He breathed, his chest rising and falling sharply. “We were careless and they surprised us.”
George had called him, but Jordan had left his phone in his room all day and missed it. We had been lucky, but nothing else.
“It felt right, Ash,” he said in a tight voice. “And you wanted it. Don’t pretend you didn’t.”
Could he doubt it? Ever? I had been in love with him since the day I had entered that goddamn diner. Of course I fucking wanted it. But was it smart? “And what’s the end goal?” I asked sourly. “We will either break up before anyone finds out or we’ll have to tell them.” I gestured at the door, encompassing the entire world in that gesture. “Or be caught,” I added in an even lower voice.
My big stepbrother frowned. “Is that all you think about? The way it ends?”
“What else?” I rasped. “What’s the point of anything?”
He folded his lips, tension knotting his muscles. “I’m not entering a philosophical debate with you,” he said. “I’m here to tell you to stop overreacting. Stop leaving the room when I walk in. And stop acting like we don’t know each other. Nothing bad happened.”
“And nothing bad will happen,” I informed him as my heart gave a painful cry, tearing through the center. “We can’t.”
His face was stone-cold as he stepped back from me. He gave a deep nod, his mouth twisting with disappointment and disgust. Yeah, I was weak. But this was no mere fantasy. Actual lives were at risk. Real relationships were in the way of a pipe dream we had shared for less than ten minutes.
Jordan turned away from me and I refused to look at his broad, muscular back. Even if I knew I had made the only right choice there was, it didn’t soothe the longing that spurted from my bleeding heart. It didn’t tame the wild lust I had for him or the hatred for this life that I clutched so close to my chest.
But what else was there?
The choices were all wrong. This way, at least, nobody else had to suffer. And the two of us? We deserved it. For the selfishness and the thoughtless actions of the other night, we deserved this.
TEN
Jordan
That just wasn’t something I would accept.
For one moment in the night, his lips had been on mine, and the world hadn’t fallen apart. In fact, the world had never been in a better shape. Everything had fallen into place in ways I hadn’t dared to hope for.
But I hoped.
In those few heartbeats, so many wild hopes roared to life within me that I couldn’t hold them back anymore. Years of holding it together had cost me the kind of strength I hadn’t been prepared to spend. There was no way I could cage the feelings that had escaped their confines. I couldn’t put a leash on them anymore.
