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In the deepest corners of my soul, I found stillness. Something in me was dead now and it was the best place to protect myself from the way I had wrecked all our lives.
Even Jordan…
I left him alone downstairs to face his father. I couldn’t stand to be there anymore. I couldn’t let myself cry in front of them over the hurtful things she had said. The things I deserved to be told. But worse than that, she had put the blame on Jordan. And what had I done? I stood in stunned silence until she was finished.
A coward and a degenerate. An unlovable, disgusting monster with sexual appetites that cared nothing about family.
Oh, my heart…
I buried my face in the pillow, wishing, for just a moment, that I could remain still there and let the endless sleep carry me away. But I couldn’t. My body protested that fluttering thought, and I lifted my head, inhaling deeply before tears surged into my eyes.
SIXTEEN
Asher
The second storm had nothing to do with the rain, wind, and thunder outside my window. It was a much harsher one, ripping my soul to shreds and twisting my heart. If that was all, I might have hoped to survive, but the nauseating new reality made the whole world around me tilt and sway.
I had managed to stumble up the stairs and lock myself inside my room. I had abandoned Jordan to the mercy of his dad. And I had lost my mother. It was a lot for one morning’s work and we hadn’t even had breakfast yet.
My face was pressed deep into the pillow I had been sharing with Jordan for so many nights. His scent lingered on it, lifting my heart at every inhale.
The ringing in my ears reminded me of the one time I’d gotten into a fight with a boy at school. He’d somehow managed to slap me across my head after slipping a hand between my angry fists, leaving my head abuzz for the rest of the day. Mom had raised hell over it, grounding me for two weeks for my manners and storming both the school and the other boy’s family. She had been tough on me, but she had never been unfair. Never.
Until now?
My stomach turned when I tried to touch that question. Acid climbed through my body and my throat tightened like I was about to vomit.
Would I ever be able to decide whether these were the appropriate consequences? Would I ever be able to look Jordan in the eyes after what had happened today? And would my mother ever speak to me again?
I struggled to imagine all of those things being possible simultaneously. They just felt very exclusive. Each of them was unlikely on its own, let alone as a freaking bundle of miracles. To her, it was clear as day. She had brought a slightly older boy into her home and he had worked subtly for years to impress me and infatuate me. And I was the gullible victim of that horrible crime.
Just like that time in school, she was furious with me for letting me be drawn into something unimaginable, but she also pinned the blame elsewhere. And yet, she was disgusted.
You knew, I scolded myself. You knew this was where you were headed.
For half my life, I had been dreaming about Jordan. And when reaching out and taking him became a possibility, I was afraid because I knew what would happen. Somehow, in the magic that had entered our lives for a short while, I had forgotten about our final destination.
When I got out of bed and crossed my room to press my ear against the door, I heard her again. “George, drive me home.”
George was hesitant and Jordan wasn’t making a sound. If he had spoken to his father at all in the last hour, I hadn’t heard a word. Mom, however, didn’t hesitate.
“I want to go. Now.” Her tone was pitched to carry a command that was hard to ignore. “I won’t stay here, so either drive me or give me the keys and be without your car.”
“Eileen, be rational,” George muttered just loudly enough that I could hear him through my door.
Mom’s voice shifted as she walked through the house. She was nearing the front door and her words were clearer. “I am rational, George. Maybe you’re the one who’s irrational, not saying a word when we find our children naked in the same bed.”
My heart dropped lower. I hadn’t exactly hoped for her to blow off some steam in the bedroom and come out with a new opinion. I hadn’t expected a happy ending. So when George agreed reluctantly to drive her and return this evening, it wasn’t a surprise. Even so, the sob inflated in my chest, threatening to choke me if I didn’t let it out.
But I wasn’t going to.
This was my last shot, I was sure. What else could I hope for? If Mom walked out now, she wouldn’t look back. If she decided our sins were too big to forgive, how could I ever be with Jordan again? How could I hope to look at him and not remember the price we paid?
I turned the key in my lock and walked out of my room. As I reached the top of the staircase, Mom was standing at the open door, waiting for George. She was facing the drizzle outside, her back stiff and straight, her head held high.
“Mom,” I murmured. I couldn’t see if Jordan was in the living room and George wasn’t there either. It was just the two of us. A long time ago, it had always been just the two of us. I’d had nobody else growing up. Only her. And I’d thrown that away for the thrills with the one person I should have kept at a distance.
My mother turned on her heels and looked at me with a dead stare. “Don’t call me that,” she said sourly.
