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“You didn’t,” I told him with a sniffle, before swiping away the tears.
“Mama!” Charlie raced over and then clambered up onto the step before toddling to me. “No cwy Mama.”
Oh boy, the tears were sliding down my cheeks too swiftly to be just wiped away. “Mama’s not crying—well she is, but Mama isn’t sad.”
Emotions ping-ponging, I scooped Charlie up for a hug. He clung to me like a barnacle and I tucked my cheek to the top of his head. One common thread through all of my pregnancies had been wild emotional swings. They hadn’t been so bad with this one.
Until now.
Worry filled Eddie’s eyes as I met his gaze. “We can skip giving Blue Ivy anything ever again. I know Archie wasn’t always a fan.”
“No, it’s not that and Archie didn’t like being dumped there. His words, not mine. But he did like being close to Grandpa Ted and his Nana.”
Eddie nodded slowly. “We could have handled a lot of that better.”
“Maybe,” I said, then sniffled again as Charlie patted at me. He was trying to rub my back but could only pat my shoulder. It was adorable. “I can’t imagine how it was for you and Muriel.” Not that I liked the woman. I didn’t hate her, but I didn’t really like her. Mostly, I just felt sorry for her. “You guys missed out on a lot. I was just thinking, I couldn’t imagine sending any of them to boarding school. Just the idea made me miss them so damn much.”
“I remember when we discussed it for Izzy,” Eddie said before taking a long drink of his coffee. “I know we could have done things so differently. I wish I could turn it all back and fix it…”
“But we can’t,” I said and held his gaze. There was a loneliness in his eyes. A sadness that shifted, and sometimes decreased, but never went away. He still missed my mother. Despite everything that happened and all the hell she put him through—the hell she put all of us through—he missed her.
I hated that for him so much. I didn’t even miss her these days. I had for a while but after Izzy? After holding my own daughter and the love that filled my chest then seemed to consume me whole? No, I didn’t miss Maddy one bit after that.
“We can only move forward, and you’re an amazing grandfather. My kids are so lucky.” Because Eddie, like Archie, didn’t treat any of them as anything different. They might have different biological fathers, but we were all family. Eddie was every bit Izzy’s grandfather too. “I think sometimes you’re the favorite grandfather, but don’t tell Dad I said that.”
That earned a real laugh from Eddie. “No, the real favorite is Jeremy, but I’m definitely a close second.”
“Gonna go play again?” I asked Charlie and when he flashed those worried eyes up at me, I smiled. “Mama’s not crying anymore. All better, see?”
Charlie studied me like he wasn’t quite sure then he pressed a wet kiss to my cheek. “Mama betta.”
“Definitely better now.” I raspberried his cheek and he let out a shout of laughter. Then he was all squirms to get down. The sadness that had struck so profoundly retreated like a passing cloud on a beautiful day. “As for the children’s foundation, I really like what they have in mind. I don’t know if the grants they applied for will be enough. Maybe we write into the grant acceptance that we review in one year and increase the amounts as needed to hit their major goals?”
They had some good ones.
“I like that,” Eddie said slowly. “I’ll put a pin in Blue Ivy until we talk to Archie. What did you think of the language programs for the local schools? It’s a smaller charter, but it will provide second language support and tutoring for elementary age kids to help them develop sooner rather than later. There’s a lot of studies that suggest longer term language study can lead to greater comfort and more open minds. It also works the other way for immigrants and others who may not have English as a first language at home…”
“Eddie?”
The animation in his eyes was real. “Guilty,” he admitted. “This is the program I wanted to talk to you about most.”
“Doesn’t Helena Endicott currently run that whole program?” I’d met her briefly at a lunch back in the spring. Eddie had been…quite interested in everything she had to say.
“Don’t start,” he told me, lips compressing. “Helena and I are friends.”
“I didn’t say anything.” I also kept my smile buried.
“Uh huh. Helena is an old friend, her husband was also a friend before he passed away.”
“Of course.”
Eyes narrowed, Eddie half-glared at me. “Don’t bring it up to Archie.”
“Why would I?” I went for total innocence.
“Because I can see the wheels turning in your head.”
“I like Helena,” I told him. “She’s really nice. Sharp. Savvy. Absolutely a shark when it comes to closing a deal for raising money. I think the language program is fantastic. It’s up there with the arts one. What if we ask them to expand to community centers as well?” Coop’s devotion to the series of community centers he worked at was a constant reminder that not everyone had access to what we did.
