Page 79 of The Pain We Allow


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“This rosary is the only thing I have left of my mother’s; you can borrow it. This is for you, to say your Hail Marys while you still have the chance. You need it more than I do. If I were you, I’d make each one count, from one sinner to another.”

And with that, Colin turned and strode out of the office, walking past Jonathan without a second glance. Jonathan held a hand up to his personal security, stalling him, walking up to the desk and snatching the rosary back up. “I don’t have anything to say, because it all goes without saying, really,” he raised his eyebrows at Carmichael and shook his head slightly, turning his back on the man with a little whistle and striding out the room confidently behind his friend.

Colin waited until Jonathan got into the car before he spoke.

“You will never tell anyone what I said in there,” he asserted quietly, keeping his gaze averted from his friend, every muscle tight with restraint.

“Of course not, brother. I would never. But you know I have to ask…did you mean that?” Jonathan said just as quietly, watching Colin’s mask fall back into place as he worked to school his features into an impassive expression.

Colin started the car, not answering his friend’s question, and drove off to pick Olivia up.

***

They returned home, and Colin remained quiet as he walked behind Olivia as she entered the kitchen through the mudroom. He curtly dismissed Mary and Beth for the day, ignoring Olivia’s raised eyebrow as he walked past her and headed to his study.

He closed the door and leaned against it, shutting his eyes from the mental images that Carmicheal put into his head about his wife. Shaking, he went to his desk and got out his anxiety medication and took a pill, swishing it down with a bottle of water. He lowered himself into his chair and put his head into his hands, trying to breathe.

The urge to go and kill the man was quickly taking over.

Lowering his hands, Colin sat back in his chair and stared ahead of him at his wall of pictures, seeing the one he had of Olivia on his monitor at work, in the center of the wall of photos. His eyes pricked, thinking of the judge getting his hands on her.

His chest swelled painfully, and he put his hand to his heart, rubbing hard. We’ve never even had a chance to have children, to have a life together.

He made a rough, distressed sound, feeling his heartbeat ramp up as fear and anger warred for the dominant emotion inside of him. He let out a ragged inhale, clenching his jaw at the absolute feral desire to head back out the house and hunt the man down. Reaching under his desk, he opened his safe, pulling out the gun he stashed there. Opening the chamber, he checked the bullets in the gun before placing it on the desk in front of him. The metal gleamed in the light of his desk lamp, and he let himself go wild with thoughts of shooting the man who felt like he had any right to his wife.

“Colin?”

Yanked out of his musing, Colin turned his head slowly, seeing Olivia walk through his office door before pausing. She stood in the wide threshold, her eyes riveted to the gun on his desk. They widened, the color coming high into her face. Irritated, he snatched the gun back up, placing it into the safe and closing it quickly, not wanting to alarm her.

Too late.

“What are you doing?” Her voice was small with shock and her eyes bored into his, still standing in that spot.

“Nothing,” he said gruffly, refusing to disclose just how close he was to leaving and potentially fucking up their lives. Olivia walked further into the room to stand on the other side of his desk, folding her arms.

“That wasn’t nothing. That was a gun, Colin,” she snapped, her brows furrowed as she regarded him from her spot standing up. “I didn’t even know you had one of those. What else don’t I know?” she bit out, her lips tightening, betraying her stress.

He paused, tilting his head at her as he regarded her angry, trembling form.

“What the hell do you mean ‘what else don’t you know?’” he said in a warning tone. It took everything in him to mask his own sudden surge of anger, an emotion that finally won the dominant spot in his body. He tensed, feeling his blood pressure skyrocket.

“I said what I said, you heard me! What ELSE don’t I know, Colin?” Olivia said sharply, her face tight as she regarded him back just as intently.

Colin stood up slowly, placing his palms onto the desk as he leaned down, leveling her with a stare.

“I suggest you fix your tone-“

“You don’t get to fucking tell me what-“

“Olivia!” Colin snapped, feeling his face darken with irritation. “You will watch your tone with me woman,” he tilted his head, and they stood for a few silent seconds facing each other down across the desk. Olivia leaned forward, placing her own hands down on the desk and staring at him. Her eyes were narrowed and her face was dusky pink, betraying her irritation. She sucked in an offended breath.

“Or what?” she taunted, her eyebrow arched haughtily. She slammed her palm on the desk between them, her face angry as she expressed her emotion to him. “OR WHAT, COLIN? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO-“ Olivia squeaked as he suddenly reached out and snatched her up by her throat, hauling her slowly onto the desktop. He relished her gasps and her scratching at his wrist as he pulled her to him, pressing her body to his as he flexed his hand around her throat threateningly.

He bent down to her ear, feeling his chest tighten even further, knowing he was so close to finally snapping. His voice was rough in her ear as his fingers flexed.

“You had better watch yourself. Fix your temper, now! I told you before, I have bent over backwards for you, I have coddled you, and I didn’t even punish you the way I wanted to when you left me for four months to do who knows what the fuck in China. So, If I can manage to control myself, then you will fucking mind your Goddamn place next to me, and you will show me that respect as my wife,” he said deathly quiet. His voice raspy, with the effort it was taking to lock his own vocal cords down from saying some seriously sick shit to her.

Olivia trembled, feeling her nipples tighten as her husband demonstrated that once again, he held control. He gave her nothing, while simultaneously giving her everything. She gasped for air as his fingers relaxed, letting her breathe, her knees slipped on the wood of his desk as she struggled to find purchase. His voice deepened, and Olivia whimpered as his beard scraped the sensitive skin of her jaw. His hand continued to press into her neck.

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