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I slump against Ixa, suddenly unable to remain upright.
“Deka!” Britta sounds horrified as she hurries closer. She stops just short of me to look me over. “Wha happened? I look away for one moment an’ ye hurt yerself!”
“I was trying to find a way out of here,” I reply, weariness already taking hold, “preferably before we all get killed.”
And that’s looking more and more likely than ever. Because I’m weak now. A burden. I can’t do even the simplest things anymore.
The defeat must be apparent in my tone, because Britta stiffens. “Yer not gonna die, Deka,” she says quietly.
“Aren’t I?” I don’t even bother with my usual evasions as I stare back at her.
I can already feel it, the emptiness growing in my stomach that is a direct result of my attempt to use just a small fraction of my abilities.
So much of my kelai is gone now. So much. And once it’s completely finished…
Britta moves closer, forcing my attention back to her. She gazes into my eyes, her expression fierce. “I may not know wha we’ll find here in this mockery of a prison, but I do know this: I refuse to let it defeat us. Just as I refuse to let ye sink into whatever dark place yer wantin’ to sink into.”
She turns back to me, her eyes determined. “We’re gonna find our way out of here, Deka, an’ the moment we do, we’re gonna find yer mother, find yer kelai, an’ make ye a god.”
“But how?” My replying whisper is tinged with pain and frustration. “How do we find our way out? And even if we manage to do so, how do I become a god?” It’s a question I still haven’t answered, a problem I haven’t even come close to solving yet. “Do I just touch my kelai? Do I have to do a ritual? What are the basics of the process?”
“We’ll figure it out, Deka.”
“How? We’re trapped, Britta. We’re trapped here, and there’s no way out. And I can’t, I can’t—” I lower my head, defeat weighing down my entire body.
“No!” Britta’s sudden snarl forces my head back up. She rounds her gryph in front of me. “Ye will not fall to despair, Deka. I will not allow it!” As I stare at her, shocked, she continues, “I’m here with ye—we all are. So we’re all going to find our way out of here, an’ when we do, we take one step at a time, an’ we figure out how to reunite ye with yer kelai an’ then we make ye a god. Do ye understand, Deka? We will make ye a god!”
There’s absolute belief in her eyes now, a sureness even all my uncertainties can’t pierce. I let her words flow through me. Strengthen me. Finally, my spine straightens. “I understand.”
“Good. Now ye remember this, Deka: No matter wha it takes, I’m not lettin’ ye cross into infinity. I’m not lettin’ ye die.”
“I hear you,” I say quietly.
“But do ye believe me?” Britta’s eyes peer into mine as she waits for my answer.
I nod. “I believe you.” I may not believe in myself, but I believe in her.
My words seem to satisfy her. “Good,” she huffs. “Now let’s find our way out of this gods-forsaken place.”
She urges her gryph on, her face bright red with emotion.
I’m just about to breathe out the lump in my throat when another person falls in beside me: Keita, now on his hulking dark gray gryph.
I turn to him. Nod. “You heard everything.”
He taps his ears. “Sharp hearing.”
I’d almost forgotten about that. Almost forgotten that most of the boys now have senses as sharp as the girls’.
I keep my attention on Keita as he continues: “Also, Britta is very loud when she’s emotional.” He says this almost wistfully. “I’m the exact opposite.”
Which, of course, is one of the main reasons for the awkwardness that’s grown between us. It’s not just the lack of touch; it’s the lack of truths, of saying the things we need to say out loud.
Keita and I both know that sooner, rather than later, I’ll be either gone completely—dead and dispersed back into the universe—if I fail at my mission or, if I succeed, transformed into a god, a being so out of reach, he and I will never be together again.
But neither of us has said it. Neither has even broached the topic.
So the silence just continues growing, a gulf we don’t want to bridge.
