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I shake my head. “My essential nature is complication, as it turns out.”
I must have said these words more bitterly than I intended, because the karmoko’s eyes gentle. “You are who and what you are, Deka, no more, no less. Always remember that.”
I sigh. “I will, although…I imagine a god would be much more. That a god would have to be much more.” I don’t know what I’m saying, or even truly why I’m saying all this. All I know is that I feel a heaviness again, the same heaviness I felt all the way here, as if every step is leading me closer and closer to my doom.
“If you choose it to be.”
When I glance up at them, confused, the karmoko explains: “I don’t know much about gods—in fact, I’d be hard pressed to think of all the times I’ve truly prayed over the years. But what I do know is that gods have choices, just like we mortals. They can choose to become whomever they want.
“So if you’re uncertain about what type of god you will be, perhaps you should take time to contemplate it—preferably before you retrieve your divinity.”
The karmoko looks into my eyes, their gaze unwavering. “You choose who you want to be, Deka. This child will one day,” they say, fondly stroking their daughter’s fluff of hair, “and the only reason they’ll be able to do that is because of all the sacrifices you and your companions have made.
“Why, then, should you, one of the main engineers of our new world, not do the same?”
“But what if I fail?” I whisper, frightened. I glance around to make sure no one else is listening before I add in an even lower voice, “What if I’m unable to stop the gods and the world ends? Or, worse, I do stop them, and I become even more corrupt than they were?”
Karmoko Thandiwe must hear the hysteria in my voice, because they just look at me. Then they sigh, juggle their baby onto one arm, and reach out with the other to pat me on the shoulder. “You won’t fail, Deka,” they say plainly. “It’s not in your nature, and it’s never been. That’s why I’m not worried, despite everything that’s going on. Because I believe in you. And more to the point, I know you. No matter what happens, you’ll make the correct choice. I know you will.”
My eyes are awash with tears now. I look up at the karmoko, humbled beyond measure. That they would say such words, express such faith…
I hold on to the feeling as White Hands finally arrives to brief us, confirming that the jatu are still searching the area around Keita’s summer house, and then as I say my goodbyes and mount Ixa, my determination building all the while: I won’t fail. Not just for my sake, but for these precious baby girls. For every person who’s never had the chance to live their life in the manner in which they desired.
Holding on to this determination, I summon the door. Then I turn to Keita, who’s walking beside me, as the others all are, his eyes still uneasy.
“Ready?” I ask.
“As I’ll ever be.”
I nod, squeeze his hand. Now I turn one last time to the others—to White Hands and the equus twins, to the aviax sovereigns, who have just arrived, to the Kamandas and Karmoko Thandiwe, as well as everyone else who came here to see me off. “Farewell,” I say. “Hopefully, when we meet again, it’ll be with joyous news.”
“I look forward to it,” White Hands replies.
Then I mount Ixa and ride through the door.
28
Even before my friends and I exit the door, I can hear wings flapping faintly in the distance: Melanis’s. Their rhythm is distinct, even mixed, as it is, with the sounds of the other hunters. No doubt she’s here for the same reason we are: following the jatu. According to Sayuri’s spies, Melanis’s hunters have destroyed all but one group of them and they haven’t left the region yet. If we move fast, we can overtake them. Or, better yet, Melanis and her hunters can, leaving us space to hunt for my kelai at our leisure. After all, the Gilded Ones still don’t know that it might be here, or that I’m coming to look for it. If they did, this entire area would be crawling with every alaki and deathshriek at their disposal. As Melanis and her hunters are the only ones here, we still have time, although we have to be swift. If the ancient Firstborn is in contact with the goddesses, as I assume she is, it’s only a matter of time before they inform her that a door has been opened here. The moment she hears this, she’ll come searching for the group who opened it.
I give the signal to move out, ears cocked for any sign of Melanis’s group. Thankfully, she and the hunters have all but disappeared. They’re too busy pursuing the jatu to notice us.
“This way.” Keita brusquely motions us toward the thick copse of trees that marks the entrance to the jungle surrounding what remains of his family’s summer house. He’s been tense ever since we entered the door, as if he’s bottled up all his emotions so tightly his entire body has turned rigid. “If we use this path, we can overtake them.”
I quickly follow his directions, breathing out a sigh of relief when I see no trace of blood-eaters sprouting among the bushes; the throbbing, black-petaled flowers are the first telltale signs of the Bloom, the expanse of greenery that displays the extent of the Gilded Ones’ recovered power. Even better, I don’t hear any strange sounds coming from this jungle that might accompany one of the proxies the goddesses have created. The Bloom hasn’t stretched to here, visible confirmation that the goddesses’ power hasn’t recovered substantially since our confrontation despite, or perhaps because of, all the vales they’re opening. If there’s one thing I learned from my confrontation with Okot, it’s that opening vales requires vast amounts of power. It’ll take the gods time and numerous sacrifices to recover what they’ve lost.
But once they do…
I push the thought away as Keita beckons us over to a particularly thick stand of bushes. “The cave should be just around this corner,” he says, making his way through the foliage.
Before we left Ilarong, he explained that a system of caves lies under this area. He used them to flee to safety after his family was massacred. Today, we’ll use them to enter his summer house without being detected.
It would have been so much easier if I could open a door, but I can’t create doors to places I’ve never been. Now, more than ever, I regret not visiting with him when I had the chance.
“Are you certain the caves are this way?” I turn my attention to Adwapa as she examines the area, scowling.
As does her sister.
“Everything looks like overgrowth to me,” Asha says.
