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Exasperation reached its tipping point. “Did you ever think it wasn’t only about you?” Because all of a sudden, it dawned on me that it hadn’t been. “You may have been content to have them think that you took advantage of Brian’s little sister or that you’re the bad guy here, but I’m definitely not comfortable with those assumptions. I deserved, and yes, I’m using that dreaded word, for them to know there was something real between us. That what we had meant something. Contrary to the belief that my one-time crush blinded me, I’m not some sort of victim of your charms. This was more than a fling. And if you weren’t going to explain that to them, then I was.”
He stood there saying nothing.
“And by the way, if you think for a second I’m the girl who’s basing all her decisions on you, then you aren’t giving me enough credit.”
“I wasn’t the one who said it, Brian was.”
“He was lashing out, clearly not thinking rationally and you believed him.”
“You deserve more than I can give you, Kenz.”
“You’re right I do.”
Hurt flashed in his eyes making me quick to clarify.
“I deserve to have someone who’ll fight for me.”
“Yeah, well you saw how great of a job I did with that.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t mean in Vegas, I mean right now. There you had a knee-jerk reaction to your kryptonite which isn’t unlike what I’ve done in the past with my mother. The point I’m making is if you really wanted to be with me, you’d figure out your shit and find a way.”
“You think this is easy. I’m trying to do the right thing, despite how I feel.”
“No one asked you to play the martyr.” It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him he was scared, but what kind of person would I be to call the kettle black while I was the damn pot. “I don’t have any regrets about being with you, Colby—even now with my heart breaking. Because the fact that it hurts this much is a testament to how good and how real it was at some point. At least it was for me.”
“It was for me too.” He scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration as if he was having an internal struggle with what to say next. Looking resigned he settled on, “I’m sorry, Kenz.”
I wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for tonight or in general, yet I realized it didn’t matter if that was all he had to say to me. If he didn’t believe he was worthy of my love, or trust that he was capable of a long-term relationship, then how would I ever convince him otherwise? He made no move toward me, and I knew I couldn’t be the one to do it this time.
“I’m gonna go before I violate ex-girlfriend etiquette and throw myself at you.” I leaned up on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek, watching his eyes close when I pulled back. “Take care, Colby.”
Since I couldn’t stand not to touch him another minute, I put my earbuds in and took off jogging, tears flowing down my face. The burn in my muscles and twinge in my ankle were nothing compared to the acute pain in my heart.
By the time I returned to my apartment, he was long gone, and I’d exhausted myself enough that I fell into bed without the energy to cry any more tears.
I was more determined than ever to continue with Operation Do Me tomorrow, with the first order of business to change the unfortunate name of said operation.
