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“Do you think you can accuse me of being testicularly challenged and expect that I wouldn’t react? You want alpha male, sweetheart, that’s what you’re getting. Brian, we’ll be outside talking.”
“It was testicular fortitude, and you’re making a scene.” I was bright red but glad he couldn’t see the big goofy smile on my face when I should have been yelling at him for acting this way. As he stalked out of the restaurant, I finally managed a protest. “Put me down.”
He complied once we were next to his SUV in the parking lot, but he didn’t let go. “You and I are hashing this out. Get in.”
“Says you. I’m catching a cab.”
Since I was backed up against the side of his car with his hands on my hips, breathing hard, and staring at him without moving a muscle, my threat was empty. Dammit, why did I have to be unbelievably aroused by this dominant display?
“And yet you’re not moving,” he murmured before devouring my lips in a kiss so raw and full of need that I was sure I’d never recover from it.
Finally coming up for air, I felt a myriad of conflicting emotions. Hadn’t I challenged him to declare his feelings and accuse him of not having the balls to do so? The problem was that admitting something and proving it were two different matters.
His eyes were stormy and his voice husky. “I should’ve told you before I said it in front of everyone else. I love you, Kenz. I was trying to get some time to talk to you today, but you avoided me.”
I was on the brink of tears. It would be too easy to throw my arms around him and return the sentiment, but he wasn’t really addressing the issue that had led us here. “What’s changed?”
“What are you talking about?”
Despite what I’d been through the last few days, this by far was the toughest thing I’d done to date. To look at the man I’d loved for as long as I could remember, who had just admitted he loved me back, and tell him it wasn’t enough took everything I had.
“You left that morning in Vegas because you let your fear over what people thought about your past completely trump anything you felt about me, not to mention you accused me of giving up my dreams for you. Then you got angry when you learned I defended you because you didn’t think you deserved it. So what’s changed?”
He was at a loss. “I’ve been absolutely miserable these last couple of weeks and I don’t want to be without you.”
I shook my head at his attempt. “Although that’s nice to hear because the time apart has been rough on me too, we could barely stand to be apart before Vegas. Hell, we didn’t last two nights that weekend, hence that hasn’t changed.”
He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “I could tell you every sordid detail from my past. Put it all out there for you to decide if you can live with it.”
For him to offer full disclosure showed me how much he wanted this to work, but he was missing the point. “That’s the complete opposite of what I want. Not because I’m afraid of what you’ll tell me but because I’ve always meant it when I said it won’t alter the way I feel about you. What needs to actually change is for you to trust that. You need to get past this shame over what you can’t change and believe that you deserve to be happy. It’s not really me you need to convince, it’s you. And I can’t do that for you, and more importantly, I can’t wonder when it’ll come up again. You said that you were afraid of me giving up my dreams for you someday, so I’ll put it out there so we’re clear: I want to get married and have kids in the future, but I won’t do that with someone who doesn’t think he’s worthy of that kind of life. I can’t wonder when there will be a next time you’ll freak out.”
“You say my past doesn’t bother you, but I heard your gasp and saw your face go pale that morning in Vegas when you overheard what your brother said to me about my indiscretions. It gutted me to see your reaction.”
My jaw about dropped as comprehension dawned. “I wasn’t upset about what was revealed. I was horrified that my brother would say such things to you. As if he’s some saint or something to throw in your face your transgressions from when you were twenty-one years old. I was upset on your behalf, not with the content. Jesus. You thought that this whole time? That’s what made you leave?”
He nodded. “Partially, but it was also the fact I didn’t give you enough credit.”
No he hadn’t.
“I’m not sure how to put this without you attempting to whack-a-mole-me, but over the years I’ve always kind of liked you having a crush on me. It meant you couldn’t possibly know all of the things I wasn’t proud of. It’s almost like I got to be the best version of myself with you, but I didn’t give you enough credit that you’d already seen the real me.”
I cracked a smile. “No, you didn’t.”
“You know if I could erase the past, I would.”
“But then maybe you wouldn’t be the person you are now, and that would be a shame. The thing is that I’m not that girl anymore with a crush. Big shocker: you have flaws, but I’m in love with all parts of the man you are, including the one from the past that you’d love to see changed. He’s pretty great, and I’m not just talking in bed.”
He chuckled, caressing my face. “You’re crazy.”
“Exactly. And goofy, dirty minded, and even a bit violent with my tendencies, but lucky for me: you don’t seem to mind.”
“Not only do I not mind, I find all of it adorable. Well, except for the violent tendencies because that straight up turns me on, because it so happens I’m crazy, too. God, the thought of you grabbing Rebecca’s hand and threatening to hit her, then telling her if she so much as rolled her eyes you’d throw her out—It’s probably a good thing I wasn’t there. I would’ve wanted to haul you into the nearest coat closet.”
A giggle erupted at the image before I turned serious again. “I’m glad we talked, but I’m still leaving tomorrow night.” I couldn’t have him accuse me of putting my dreams on hold and then turn around and cancel a trip that I’d been looking forward to because we were trying to work things out.
A protest died on his lips, replaced with a heavy sigh. “I think somewhere in the relationship manual this is where it says absence makes the heart grow fonder, or if you let someone go and they come back, it’s meant to be?”
“Something like that. I need this time for myself to focus on what it is I may want to do in my future. You hurt me, Colby, and I’m not telling you that because I want you to feel bad, but if we’re to try again, you need to be sure you’re all in, without reservation.”
