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“Don’t get upset on my behalf. The truth is I put up with it longer than I should have.”
“And after Tristan was born?”
“Although I lost forty of the fifty pounds, he told me that my body was stretched out and repulsive. I initiated sex one time, and he said he was no longer attracted to me. As for going down on me, he said after a baby came out of there, well, he wanted nothing to do with that particular act.”
“Jesus.”
“He wouldn’t hold Tristan, either. He’d say a newborn was too fragile or he was too nervous, but the truth was he didn’t want to. Not even as Tristan got older. Instead, Rob was convinced I’d chosen the baby over him. He accused me of loving Tristan more than him.”
“He was jealous of his own baby son?”
“All the time. After realizing it wasn’t getting better, I told him I couldn’t live that way anymore. Then he went out one night and didn’t come home. But the next day he’s all apologies. Tells me he’ll start going to individual counseling. Says he’s committed to working on things. That it’s him and his injury, not me, blah, blah.”
“What happened?”
“My guess is he met the girlfriend. At that point, he still wouldn’t touch me, but he said he didn’t want to lose me, either. More like he didn’t want to lose my paycheck and have to pony up child support if we split.”
“Did things change?”
“No. He continued to make digs, but I’d gotten so used to the ‘new normal’ I hardly noticed anymore. My self-esteem was in shreds. Looking back, I’m grateful we didn’t sleep together if he was having sex with someone else. We were in that place for eighteen months. He’d be mean to me, I’d love him a little less, and then he’d beg me to give him another chance. It was an unhealthy cycle, getting worse by the day, but I didn’t recognize it at the time. In addition to being sleep deprived, overwhelmed with a baby, and working full time, I guess I couldn’t believe the man I’d fallen in love with at sixteen could change so drastically. I talked myself into believing it was the pills or the pain he was in. That it was a phase I kept hoping would end.”
“He was verbally abusive to you.”
I expelled a shaky breath. “I understand that now. But at the time, I truly thought if I could lose the baby weight, do more around the house, make him happy, he’d change back into the man I’d married.”
“That wasn’t on you. No matter what else you believe, I hope you know this was his problem. Not yours.”
I nodded, getting there slowly but surely.
“What was the breaking point?”
I recalled the day with a shiver. “When I walked in on him screaming at Tristan. I was in the shower when Tristan started calling out for me. Rob was in such a rage that he’d been woken up. I knew in that moment I was done. How could I possibly stay married to a man who would flip his switch on a baby? I couldn’t even trust him around our child.”
I realized Mark was clenching his fists.
“Later that day, I unloaded on Brian what had happened, telling him I thought Rob was cheating on me and abusing prescription drugs. Brian encouraged me to go down and visit my sister in Florida. While I was there, he helped me hire a private investigator since I was looking for leverage to ensure I get full custody. A few weeks later, I filed for separation, and my PI turned over evidence to the police internal affairs about Rob’s suspected drug use. What I hadn’t guessed was that the internal affairs investigation would reveal Rob had also become a dirty cop. Here I’d thought the biggest issue was our divorce and his prescription drug habit. It turned out it was so much bigger. Much more serious.”
I stayed quiet until Mark finally spoke. “Thank you for sharing all of that with me.”
“Thank you for listening.” Then because I couldn’t help it, I added, “I’m not proud of who I became during my marriage or that I put it up with it for so long. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to run far, far away.”
He cupped my face and kissed me softly. “Not happening.”
I shook my head, hardly believing that after everything I’d told him he was still here holding me. “Maybe it’s you who’s crazy, then.”
“Who says crazy is a bad thing? We both have baggage.”
“I don’t know. You seem pretty close to perfect.”
“I think everyone develops a way of hiding their pain. I’ve had a lot longer than you to get better at it.”
“Sounds like it’s your turn to spill it.”
“Someday. But not tonight. I think we’ve reached our quota for the heavy stuff.”
Although I was genuinely curious about his past, I knew it was very different from mine. Tragically losing someone you love when on the brink of starting a life together was nothing like putting up with a marriage turned bad. I wasn’t sure how to reconcile that difference.
In an effort to change the mood to happier things, I burrowed my face in the crook of his neck. Realizing I had free license to act upon my naughty thoughts, I sucked lightly there and then kissed his delicious skin.
He breathed in sharply. “Jules, you know I’d never hurt you, right?”
I cupped his face and slipped off his glasses. The hall light pouring in gave me my first good look at him without them. In his eyes was the undeniable truth of his words.
“I want to believe you.”
