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“You took a big step by talking to me today. A step toward letting the past go and focusing on your future. If you like, I’d be happy to see you again tomorrow. We’ll work on some techniques for turning off your negative voice and continue to build your self-confidence.”
I smiled for the first time, relieved that the hard part of laying it all out there was done. “Good. Let’s set it up, then.”
* * *
Over the next week,I met with Dr. Mac a few more times, trying to cram the sessions in before we moved. I was becoming more comfortable with each visit and making progress against my insecurities. Although I’d gone in with the intention of ensuring I didn’t sabotage my relationship, what I’d gotten out of our sessions was so much more. I could feel myself growing more confident and more forgiving of myself regarding the past. I was ready to focus on our future. Together.
That future was also on Mark’s mind, judging by the mission he’d undertaken to knock me up. Not that I was complaining considering the man could hardly keep his hands to himself. I found myself looking forward to this new chapter of my life. A life with Mark, Tristan and, with any luck, a new baby. I wondered how Tristan would take to being a big brother.
Intending to leave town in the next couple days, I spent the entire morning on Wednesday packing and cleaning the apartment. By afternoon, I felt restless. I picked up Tristan from upstairs, bundled him up, and put him in his stroller. We could take one last walk across the Yale campus.
Winter was settling in, with the air crisp and fresh. I walked with a pep in my step, admiring the Christmas decorations starting to crop up around the town.
The plan for the move was that Mark would drive down with me. I’d stay with my mother for a week while he did some business-related travel and prepared to relocate his job down to Charlotte. I’d lined up a couple of rentals we’d be viewing this weekend. With some luck, I could move in plenty of time to put up a tree for Christmas and make it festive. Then Mark would hopefully be moving in after the new year.
I listened to Tristan jabber while I pushed him and shifted my thoughts to the dinner I was planning to make tonight for Haylee. It would be our last girls’ night, but at least I got to look forward to her moving to North Carolina in the next couple of years.
Imagine my astonishment when, amongst the dozens of students milling around in the quad, I spotted Mark coming out of one of the buildings. He was walking toward us. Since he was still affiliated with the law school, it didn’t strike me as strange that he was here. But it wasn’t until I was less than five feet away from him, about to say hello, that I realized he wasn’t alone. Walking with him was a pretty blonde with a fuzzy beret and a long down coat cinched at the waist. She was smiling up at him while he said something to her.
I saw the moment Mark’s gaze focused on us. Telling my inner doubts to shut the hell up, I swallowed down my unease. She was probably a student or a colleague. “Hey, Mark.”
“Mark, Mark,” Tristan said excitedly.
“Hey, guys.” His voice sounded weird, strained.
The blonde stopped, looking at us curiously and then back at him. Since it was clear he had no intention of doing so, she made the introductions. “Hi, I’m Lauren.”
I smiled, as she appeared warm and friendly. Definitely not catty or the least bit territorial. “I’m Juliette, and this is my son, Tristan.”
She gave him a little wave and then glanced between us and Mark. “Uh, how do you guys know one another?”
The moment suddenly suspended, seemingly slowing down while I awaited his answer. I was unprepared for how much his next words hurt.
“Uh, they’re my neighbors. They moved in a couple months ago.”
I could feel my face heating with a combination of humiliation and anger.
“Oh, in the Tinkermans’ house? I’ve always loved that place.”
“Uh, no, I meant at the building with my office.”
She knew where he lived? Knew the Tinkermans lived next door? “And how do you, um, know each other?” I was impressed with how calm my voice sounded despite the dread settling in my stomach.
“Gosh, I guess we’re sort of like family. He was engaged to my sister.” Checking her watch, Lauren gave me an apologetic smile. “Sorry. If we want to make dinner on time, we’d better go, but it was nice meeting you, Juliette. And you, too, Tristan.”
I forced myself to smile in return as she’d been nothing but kind. Though Mark wasn’t meeting my eyes, I didn’t want to make a scene. “You, too. Take care.” I turned on my heel before Mark had the chance to say something even more hurtful, like “see you around, neighbor.”
* * *
One of thethings I’d become scarily adept at doing toward the end of my marriage was completely internalizing the hurt and shutting off the pain. It was a coping mechanism that came in handy as I made dinner for Haylee that evening and listened to her chat on. I refused to think about the knock that didn’t come, the explanation which wasn’t given, and that Mark was at dinner with Lauren and her family tonight.
Haylee and Abby provided a welcome distraction through the meal.
“Everything okay with you?” Haylee looked at me curiously after we’d stuffed ourselves on chicken parmesan.
“Yeah. Sorry. Just stressed, I suppose, about moving back.”
She smiled. “I bet. And please don’t worry about cleaning the apartment before you go. One less thing.”
