AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Shit.
If he feels even half as connected to me as I’m starting to feel toward him, on top of the blow job incident we just had…
I am in so much trouble.
Chapter fifteen
Cruz
It’s never easy for me to relax on a plane, but with last night’s conversation playing on a loop in my mind, it’s virtually impossible.
I still can’t believe Liam and I have both lost someone close to us. It’s not exactly a common thing for people our age to have to deal with, and while I hate that it’s the hand we’ve been dealt, it’s also a relief to know there’s someone else out there that gets it.
Even if the only thing we’ve actually said aloud is ‘I get it.’
There’s so much truth in those three little words we don’t have to go any deeper, but if we do feel like talking, we can without worrying. Other people feel the need to walk on eggshells around us, but we don’t have to do so around each other.
That makes me feel anchored, like I’ve got a connection to my old life. It also makes me feel a little conflicted since Xavier used to be that anchor, but I’m hoping he’ll forgive me for that since he’s the reason I feel this connection with Liam.
Unfortunately, as grateful as I am for that connection, it’s also wreaking havoc on my ability to turn my brain off. I’m pretty sure that’s because of what happened before we discovered the similarities in our past, which I still haven’t been able to sort through or even talk to Liam about. We passed out the moment we got home last night, and I left for a road game this morning. There wasn’t time.
I got hard.
Got a blow job.
From Liam.
The memory has my cheeks flushing, so I keep my gaze pinned to my lap in the hope that if I don’t make eye contact with anyone, they won’t notice it.
God…Talk about a mindfuck. I mean, one minute I’m helping him out like I’ve done several times before, and the next I’m turned on.
How did that even happen? Why? And the big one, why did it happen with Liam? Why not any of the other people I’ve tried hooking up in the past? I’ve never gotten further than kissing or rubbing our hips together before giving up. I haven’t even kissed Liam, and he may have been grinding on me, but I wasn’t trying to grind on him. I wasn’t trying to do anything but make sure he found his relief. Is that why it was different? Maybe I was trying too hard before.
The longer I spend trying to understand what happened, the harder it is to explain. And I guess I don’t need an explanation, I’ve come this far without having any answers about myself, but I also only had one question: What’s wrong with me?
Now, that one question has bloomed into dozens.Am I a late bloomer? Am I gay? Do I want to be with Liam again?
Liam is my roommate. My friend. And yeah, I take all my friendships seriously, but after learning the extent of what we have in common, there’s another level of trust and understanding between us that I don’t want to lose. If we add sex into the mix, too many things can go wrong, and I stand to risk the only person I’ve truly bonded with here.
But sex with Liam…
I swallow down the lump that’s suddenly lodged in my throat.
Who knows if it would be the same a second time around, but given the way people talk about sex, I’m inclined to think it would be. And if that’s the case… Hell yes, I want to do it again.
For all I know what happened could’ve been a one-off. A fluke. I’d do well to remember that, so I don’t get too far ahead of myself.
Oh shit.
If I’m over here questioning the significance of what happened, what’s Liam thinking? He knows I’m ACE, or maybe gay ACE, and he knows last night was the first time I’ve gotten hard with another person. Will he assume he’s the reason? Will he feel obligated to do it again, or pressured to achieve the same result?
Have I ruined what could’ve been a good friendship already?
God, why does my body have to be so fucked up?
My mind spirals, and it’s not until I realize that I’m panicking over losing my friendship with Liam–and not beating myself up over filling the void Xavier left–that I pause. When did Liam become my first priority?
I’ve tried so hard to balance fitting in and finding my place without getting close enough to anyone to replace Xavier, but I get one erection and my first instinct is suddenly to think of Liam. Is that normal—to put a new friend in front of a lifelong friend because they turned you on? Considering I felt like Xavier chose Piper over me after just a few short weeks, I think it might be. And I’m not sure I like it.
