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For years, I’ve been the one saying, ‘I don’t get it personally,’ and now that someone else is saying it, it makes perfect sense. She’s not asking me to convince her of anything, just taking at face value that I know what I’m doing. I mean, I don't, but the fact she isn’t going to judge what she doesn’t understand means more than she could ever know.
It also makes me realize that’s a courtesy I didn’t give Xavier. Not completely. Even if I had my doubts about why he was going to change schools, I should’ve trusted him to make his own decisions. Or at least given him the freedom to make them without judgment whether I supported them or not.
I barely know Dani and she’s already a better friend to me than I was to the guy I thought of as a brother.
“Cruz.”
My head pops up.
“Where’d you go this time?”
“Sorry, just remembering something. I didn’t mean to zone out.”
Dani gives me a skeptical look before repeating herself. “Are you going to tell him how you feel?”
My stomach starts doing flips, the panicky kind, and I begin to ramble. “That’s a lot of pressure for us. We share a room, and he knows I’m ACE. What if he doesn’t feel the same and we’re stuck with each other? Or he feels obligated to like me back since I’ve never liked anyone before?”
“Whoa, slow down.” Dani laughs. “I’m pretty sure the ‘back off’ glares he gives people mean he’s into you.”
“He hasn’t said that.” Liam said he likes it better when I touch him than when he touches himself, but that’s not the same thing.
“He’s probably trying to respect your boundaries and follow your lead.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you need to make the first move.”
“What’s considered a first move?”
Dani gives me another of those sympathetic smiles. “I guess that depends on what you’re ready for the world to know about you.”
“The world?” I huff with a snort.
“Campus, then. Or your teammates.”
“Why do they need to know anything about me?”
Dani worries a pink lip. “I guess they don’t, but that doesn’t mean you get to avoid the question.”
“What question is that?” I lean back in my chair and cross my arms, bracing for what I’m not sure, just…bracing.
“Whether you want to stay in the closet.”
I let out the breath I’ve been discreetly holding. “I’m not in the closet.”
“Then why did you give me the drunk excuse at that party?”
“To avoid hurting your feelings when I knew I wouldn’t have the reaction you were expecting.” She arches that villain brow again. “And to avoid the whole ACE conversation,” I mutter.
“Look Cruz, I don’t think it’s fair to put you in this position. I don’t think it’s fair that anyone has to explain themselves. But the truth is, until you can publicly admit you’re ACE, or you aren’t into women, or you’re into Liam, you are in the closet. And since he isn’t, your next move with Liam is going to depend on what you’re ready for.”
“I’m confused. Are you saying I shouldn’t tell him I’ve got a crush on him? I thought you were just trying to convince me I should?”
“I’m saying to be honest. If you aren’t ready to be out, then don’t give him false expectations by asking him on a date. Tell him you’re interested and ask if he’s willing to explore that privately. But if you are comfortable being out go ahead and ask him on the date. Now do you follow?”
My head bobs slowly up and down as I replay her words. “Yeah, I do.”
“So?” I swear her eyes have a mischievous glint to them, and I have a brief, guilty thought that I’m glad Liam is the one who interests me because her whole ‘go for it, don’t go for it’ advice is super exhausting. “What are you going to do?”
