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“I’m sure he knows your intentions were good, even if he couldn’t see it at the time.”
He tries to give me a smile, but he can’t seem to get his lips to cooperate. “Anyhow, Xavier fired back that I wouldn’t understand. He knew, or at least believed like I did, that I’m ACE. At the time it felt like he was attacking my sexuality, but now that we… Now that I am learning what it’s like to be with someone, I think maybe I wasn’t fair.”
Now the nerves make sense—he’s carrying around a ton of guilt—and while I don’t want to make light of any of this, I feel like I need to lighten the mood before Cruz beats himself up any further.
“Damn, you hit the trifecta.”
“What do you mean?” His brows draw together.
“You lost your best friend over an argument about relationships, wind up in a relationship yourself, and may or may not be risking your NFL career because of it. Trifecta.”
“Is this an attempt to get me to laugh?” Cruz wrinkles his nose.
Right there with you. It sounded better in my head. “Is it working?”
“God no.”
“Well, I am the ironic sunshine. I guess you do a better impression of me than I do you.”
He almost chuckles as he turns to look at the gravestones lining the hillside. “Ironically, even after all this time I still think Xavier was doing all the giving, sacrificing his dreams for Piper’s. But I can also see that it’s not as black and white as I first thought. He told me she became part of the dream, and if that’s true, keeping his scholarship would be like sacrificing her for his football dreams. Right?”
“It sounds like that’s what he believed.”
“What do you think?”
“Are we still talking about Xavier and Piper?”
Cruz’s shoulder lifts slightly, though he makes no effort to look at me. Fuck!
Given his past, and our current situation, I get why he’s asking these questions. Hell, I’m actually glad he’s asking them, even if it might be a little soon to be going down this road. But if he’s looking for me to give him an answer that he needs to come to himself, I can’t help, no matter how much I might want to exert my influence.
“That’s a loaded question. I think you need to do what’s best for you, and I need to do what's best for me. Right now, those two things are the same. That might not be true six months from now, and I can accept that. But wherever this goes, I don’t regret it. I won’t regret it. I’m closer to my old self than I’ve been in years, and that’s because of you. I refuse to think that’s a bad thing, no matter what. Now come on.”
I hop out of the Jeep and walk around to the passenger side, opening his door and lacing our fingers together as I guide him to stand next to me.
“Your dad said the best way to keep Xavier close to you was to follow the dream you had as kids, so let’s go tell him all about your first season.”
Chapter twenty-three
Cruz
The walk to the grave is quiet, the sound of grass crunching under our feet the only thing to pierce the silence. My palm is sweaty in Liam’s despite the brisk, December air, and when we reach our destination, a white cloud of nervous air leaves my lips on a shaky exhale.
“So, you’ve probably got some questions,” I tell the headstone with Xavier’s name as I raise the hand still linked to Liam’s. “And I don’t have all the answers, but long story short, it turns out I can feel attraction to someone. Liam. My boyfriend.”
Liam gives an awkward little wave. “Hi.”
I feel terrible for thinking it, but there’s a part of me that appreciates how he understands and talks to a rock like it’s perfectly normal.
“We ended up as roommates at school,” I continue, “and at first, it didn’t look too good since I literally collapsed on his bed while he was in it—long story—which he didn’t love. Who would, right? Anyhow, he plays lacrosse, and he’s teaching me how to pass the ball with a long ass stick, and I’m getting pretty good.”
“Eh, you’re getting better,” Liam says.
“Seriously?” I swing my head to glare at him. “You’re going to make me look bad in front of my friend?”
“He probably already knows, anyway.”
“Maybe he wasn’t watching at that particular time. Maybe he doesn’t watch me at all since we fought the last time we saw each other.” I don’t know which is worse: the idea that he wouldn’t watch me, or the idea that he would, and he’d resent me for finding Liam.
