AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Despite their uncontrollable shaking, my fingers manage to open the calendar on my phone. The semester ends in May, leaving me roughly four months to figure out how I can stay in Colorado.
Please be worth it, Cruz.
Chapter twenty-five
Cruz
“What’s happening with Liam?” Dani sets her pencil down with a sigh.
I look up from the equations that are starting to blur together on the page. The quiet in the study room we’ve claimed in the library is suddenly oppressive as I meet her stare. “What do you mean what’s happening with Liam?”
“Last time you were this distracted during a study session it was because you were confused about Liam, so…” she prompts.
Sometimes having a perceptive study partner sucks.
I don’t want to get into my history with Xavier and the strange parallels I’m experiencing with Liam, or the fact that my cousin is disappointed in me for even considering putting my career first. Most of all, I’m not sure I’m ready to admit to Liam, to Dani, or to myself, that I think I might be in love with him. Not when it wasn’t so long ago that I was convinced that shouldn’t—or couldn’t—happen at my age.
I’m not afraid to admit I might’ve been wrong, but I am afraid of what that could mean for my future.
If I love him, I should probably be thinking in terms of our future, not just mine, which is a massive departure from how I felt a year ago. Back then, I told Xavier if things with Piper were real, she’d be there regardless of where he went to school. But now that I have Liam, and I feel like things are pretty real, I’m struggling with whether it’s fair to ask him to wait for my career to take off before I publicly acknowledge who he is to me. It makes me wonder if I was way off base before.
Which means that fight with Xavier the night he died shouldn’t have happened.
He shouldn’t have been angry, rushing to leave my place.
And had he not been, he might not have died or hit that tree.
I fucked up, and he paid the ultimate price. Yet somehow, acknowledging the mistakes of my past doesn’t make my current situation any easier.
I get that Liam and I aren’t an apples-to-apples comparison with Xavier and Piper since they would’ve only had to live in different locations for a while, not hide their relationship. But when you get down to the core of the issue, things aren’t all that different. I’d be asking Liam to wait to live the life he deserves until we can do it on my terms. That’s at least three years before my NFL career—if it happens—will be stable enough that my sexuality won’t be an issue. Will Liam still be there for me if I want to keep him a secret that entire time?
Fuck it. Since I can’t figure this out on my own, maybe another perspective could help.
“I think this thing with Liam is more than a crush,” I start.
Dani’s eyes grow wide. “Define more.”
“I’m not sure I can. It’s just…” I think back to coming out as ACE, or demi. About losing Xavier and visiting his grave. About defending me to my own cousin. Each time Liam articulated what I was thinking and feeling better than I could’ve done it myself. And he seems to accept those feelings completely, in a way that’s more generous than I have a right to expect. “He gets me in a way that’s almost like looking in the mirror. Only he doesn’t just see me, he knows me. Without me having to explain anything.”
Her expression morphs from curious to awed. “You didn’t mention anything about attraction.”
I didn’t, did I? “What does that mean?”
“Well, my guess is that means you aren’t experiencing lust or infatuation. More like affection. Or, something deeper?” Her voice rises like she’s asking a direct question instead of simply making a suggestion.
When I don’t answer she tries another angle. “Do you want to date him? For him to be your boyfriend?”
A surge of heat rushes to my face. “We sort of already are. Secretly.”
“I thought we agreed you wouldn’t tell him how you feel before deciding whether you were ready to come out?” She arches her brow.
Ducking my head, I rub the back of my neck. “Yeah, the order of operations got mixed up. He’s okay with it, though. He knows this is all new to me so he’s fine with giving me time to figure things out before we say anything. If we say anything.”
“Ahh, so this is less of an I don’t know how I feel conversation and more of an I don’t know what to do about it conversation?”
“That’s fair.” I exhale heavily. Damn. What are the odds that I meet two people who get me so well in my first year of college?
“What does Liam say?”
