AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Uh … to live longer and maybe lessen your symptoms.”
“But palliative chemo has side effects. Why would I totally give up on my body and accept a slow drip of chemicals in my veins for six months to a year? And not good months. Name one person you know who had an ‘easy’ time with chemo.”
She lifts onto her elbow. “But what if it’s more than a year? That’s just a guess. Everyone is different. There is a one percent five-year survival rate. And I know … honey, Iknowthat feels like zero. But we have to believe in miracles.”
I turn my book so she can see the cover. “You’re right. This guy survived stage four colon cancer without chemo.”
Amelia frowns. “You have pancreatic cancer that’s in your liver too.”
“I don’t think it matters. His story isn’t about the type of cancer. It’s about his approach to cancer.”
“Approach? What does that mean? How does one approach cancer?”
I slip the sticky note onto my page and close the book. “I think stress has caused my cancer, or at least has played a role in its growth.”
“Then take some time off work.”
I slide my book onto the nightstand and sit on the edge of the bed with my feet dangling off the side. “Amelia, I’m nottaking time off.I’ve been given three months to a year to live. I’m simply not going back to work.”
“It’sjust a guess.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “Listen to yourself, baby. Either I’m going to die before our daughter learns how to drive and getsher first kiss, or something really fucking life-changing has to happen for me to have a prayer of beating the odds.”
The mattress dips behind me, and I glance back at her sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, tears painting her cheeks.
“You h-have to f-fight.”
I stand slowly, grabbing my aching back for a second before running my fingers through my hair. “What if I live instead of fight? What if I let go of everything? Sleep when I want to sleep. Only put things into my body that are good for it. Meditate. Spend time walking barefoot in the grass? Get rid of my phone, my computer, and the television. What if I took away everything that cancer loves? Starve it.”
“Then the chemo would have a better chance.” She wipes her tears and nods.
I deflate. “No. Not chemo.”
“Price—” She shakes her head, pointing to the book. “That’s bullshit. Maybe he didn't even have cancer. Or if he did, maybe it wasn’t really stage four. If sleep and walking in the grass cured cancer, don’t you think it would be all over the news?”
“No.” I laugh, resting a hand on my hip. “I don’t. But it doesn’t matter, Amelia. This is what I want. I want this headache to go away. I want my back not to feel like a goddamn truck is sitting on it. I don’t want to add more pain. And I don’t want to die.”
“Dr. Faber said it could help with the symptoms.”
I blow out a long breath. I’m eternally tired. “If I do the chemo, I will die. If I don’t do the chemo and keep doing my routine, I will die. My body is screaming for me to listen to it. Maybenothingis the greatestsomethingI can do right now. And it’s what I want. Don’t I get a say in what happens to my body?”
“How can you let Astrid watch you die without a fight?” She wipes more tears.
“What if I don’t have to die?”
“Price, it’s a year. A year might not seem like much, but I want every single second. A year is a lifetime to my heart, and it will be to Astrid’s, too. If you don’t do this for me, at least do it for her.”
“Amelia, I am doing this for herandyou! What if I don’t have to die?”
Before she can speak through her soft sobs, our bedroom door cracks open.
“Mom?” Astrid shuffles her bare feet into our bedroom, rubbing her eyes behind the blonde hair hanging in her face. She’s a miniature version of her mom.
Amelia quickly turns away to hide her emotions.
“Hey, sunshine. Sorry. Did I wake you?” I scoop her up, ignoring the searing pain in my back.
“Are you fighting?”
