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“Oh, well, I bet mom can make you some tea with honey. I’m sick in a different way. Do you remember Kelsey’s mom being sick last year?”
Astrid nods. “Yes. She had cancer, but she’s better. Do you have cancer?” She narrows her eyes.
“I do. Mine is a different kind of cancer.”
“Are you going to lose your hair too?”
“No.”
“We don’t know yet, baby,” Amelia adds.
I glance over Astrid’s shoulder at my wife. Her arms are crossed, and she quickly averts her gaze.
“There’s a lot we don’t know yet.” I rest my hands on Astrid’s legs.
“Are you going to die?”
“I hope not, but cancer is a serious illness. And sometimes people die from cancer. All I know is that I’m going to do everything in my power not to die. And that means I’m going to take time off from work to take better care of myself and spend more time with you and Mom. But while my body works to feel better, I might have some rough days where I’m not doing as well. And that’s okay. You and Mom have each other. I want you to go out to dinner with Mom, go Christmas shopping, and do all the fun stuff so you can come home and tell me all about it. Can you do that?”
She rests her warm hands on mine. “What if you don’t get better?”
Amelia sniffles, but I don’t look at her. It’s taking everything I have to find the best way to answer Astrid. “My lovely girl, you are so smart. So I don’t want to tell you anything but the truth because I know you are brave enough for me to tell you this. Nobody knows how long they have to live. Every day is a gift. And when someone we love dies, it’s sad. It doesn’t matter if they are nine like you, thirty-four like me, or one hundred. But that sadness slowly disappears, and you find a new kind of happiness in your memories of them.”
“Like Gumbo?”
I chuckle at her reference to her dead goldfish. “Yes. Remember how sad you were when Gumbo died? But now you see fish and smile because they make you think of Gumbo. Well, if I die, whenever you see a handsome man with a little gray in his hair who eats an entire jar of black olives in one sitting, you’ll smile and think of me. And a little part of you will still miss me, but you’ll also be happy to know that I’m taking care of Gumbo.”
Astrid slays me with her brave face.
“Why don’t you go upstairs while I clean up the mess? I don’t want you getting any glass in your feet.” I run my fingers along the bottom of her bare feet.
“Stop!” She giggles and squirms.
I lift her off the counter and carry her to the steps. When she’s halfway to the top, she turns. “Daddy?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think when people die, they can miss other people? If you die, will you miss me and Mom?”
The lump in my throat nearly suffocates me. I can’t fucking speak, so I find a believable smile and nod.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
JUST SURRENDER WITH ME.
The second opinionconfirms the first.
My wife pleads her chemo case again.
I can’t do it.
The pain gets worse. I get worse.
But I keep reading. And if I can’t keep my eyes open to follow words on a page, I listen to the audiobook.
While Astrid’s at school, I try to meditate, but it’s hard to do it when Amelia refuses to leave my side. Her fear and worry feel as debilitating as the cancer.
I try to eat foods that help fight cancer.
