AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Because I know you.”
Her head jerks backward. “I’m predictable?”
I step back, shaking my head. “Jesus Christ … what is going on? Who are you? What happened to my wife?”
“You abandoned her and your child!” She bites her lips together and shakes her head a half dozen times, regret pooling in her eyes.
“Say it, Amelia. We'll never get past it if you don’t say it.”
She crosses her arms, fingernails digging into her skin. “I can’t,” she whispers. “I don’t mean it.”
Taking a step backward, I lean against the closet island. “You wouldn’t think it if you didn’t mean it a little.” I sigh, dropping my chin. “We don’t have to get through this with any sort of grace or pride. It’s okay to let go of the ugly. I can take it.”
When her gaze meets mine, I see resignation. “You left me to be with your first love. And yeah, I met her.” She frowns, shoulders slumped. “Scottie seems very kind. And she loves you. She’ll always love you. And that just … what? Is okay? But I’m the woman who apparently loves you too much. And that doesn’t feel as okay.”
I can tell from the pain in her expression that the words aren’t there, but she’s finding the best ones she can. It’s how I’ve felt since the day I was diagnosed.
“And now you’re supposedly …miraculouslycured, but I don’t know that for certain because you won’t go to the doctor. You’re too busy with your new full-time job of spending the whole day going through your rituals. And I get that it’s important, but my life feels like it’s on its head. I’m trying to keep some sense of normalcy for Astrid, but nothing about our life is normal. You’re not at work. I’m tiptoeing around you because I don’t know what I can ask of you. You’re back, but it doesn’t feel like you’re really here.”
I don’t react. Not yet. There’s too much to consider. What are we doing if I can’t be her safe space and accept her raw emotions without judgment? What is the point of this marriage and our commitment to each other?
But I’m human too. The reaction I’m holding back is disbelief that she can’t see that I’m alive. Maybe Astrid’s dad doing whatever he can to stay alive is more important than anyone’s feelings. Isobadly want to let those words fly off my tongue.
But I don’t.
“I’m an awful person,” she whispers. “Because I want to go back to the life we had before your diagnosis, but we can’t. I wish I could un-know that you bought that apothecary. But I can’t. And I don’t know how to deal with these stupid thoughts and insecurities that won’t go away. I’m so sorry.”
I take two long strides and pull her into my embrace. “I got the diagnosis, but you’ve felt just as much pain. I don’t want you to apologize. Not ever. The ‘sickness and health’ part of marriage is hard to comprehend until we’re in the trenches with no good way out.”
When I step back to hold her at arm’s length, I focus on her tired, sunken eyes and prominent cheekbones. What is this doing to her health?
The stress.
The worry.
The guilt.
“Maybe it’s time for me to put on a suit and return to work for a few days a week. Give you some sense of normalcy again.”
She glances around uneasily, eyebrows pulled together. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard to judge an idea as good or bad until you try it.”
After a few breaths of hesitation, she nods. “Promise to let me know if you’re feeling too much stress or unwell in any way?”
So many promises. It will be hard to keep them if anything goes wrong. Still, I smile and offer several tiny nods.
Relief washes over her face, and she hugs me. “Let’s go out to dinner tonight. Astrid’s been asking for pizza and ice cream.”
“That’s …”
The beginning of the end.
“Great. Sounds great.”
“Can you do me one more tiny favor?” She leans back, holding up her thumb and forefinger an inch apart.
“Anything.”
