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Confused is the right answer, because damn, I’m all over the place emotionally.
Dani looks beautiful. The blushing bride. The pregnant blushing bride. I’m very aware when I look at her that she is carrying a baby. Our baby. Cookie & Co. It might be mine. Or it might be Michael’s. I suspect Michael’s, but does that really matter? Not with what we’ve said we all are to each other.
It’s a lot of responsibility, a baby, marriage, a home, forever.
I want that. All of it, with Dani. Hell, with Nate and Doc too.
But at the same time, it freaks me the fuck out. I can barely feed myself and manage my finances, how the hell can I be a husband, a father? The other guys love to give me a hard time about my snack food choices and lack of housekeeping. Then there’s hockey. It’s my career, my dream, and we’re right in the middle of playoffs. It doesn’t feel like there is enough of me to go around.
Or if there is, what my role is here now.
I concentrate on standing still and not rocking back on my heels and fidgeting the way I really want to.
I’m damn happy to see Nathan and Michael commit to our girl. They want this. She deserves it.
But I still feel a mix of emotions I don’t exactly know how to describe.
Or maybe I can. I feel like I’m letting them down.
That’s what it is. I don’t like naming it, but I can’t avoid it at this moment.
That gorgeous, sweet, loving, amazing woman standing five feet from me wants me. I don’t always understand why, but I believe it. She'd be thrilled beyond measure if I stepped forward and said, "Me too," and added myself in as a husband and not just the best man.
Me not standing there with her, vowing alongside Michael and Nathan, disappoints her. I know it does.
She’s been more supportive of my feelings on this than she probably should be, but she loves me and I never forget how lucky I am that’s true. But this isn’t exactly what she wants.
I also feel like I’m disappointing Nathan and Michael. And their opinions of me matter. I respect them. Hell, I love them. We are a family. Of course letting them down makes me feel like shit.
"Do you, Nathan, take this woman, to be your wife, until death do you part?"
"I do," Nathan says in a strong, confident voice, even as there are tears in his eyes.
The raw emotion he’s allowing everyone to see is touching as hell. He deserves to be part of a family after everything he’s lost in his life.
"Danielle," he says, cupping her cheek with one hand. "I always thought I’d be alone, that my fate was to be a bachelor forever, and I was fine with that. Then you walked into my life, and in an instant, I rewrote everything that I knew about the rest of my life. You bring me joy, a purpose, contentment, and a love I don’t even deserve. You complete me, and I will spend the rest of forever making sure you’re taken care of in every way possible. I love you, Danielle, with my whole grumpy heart."
Dani gives a soft laugh. "Nathan, I love your grumpy heart. I love how strong you are and how safe you make me feel. I love knowing that you’ll be there for me no matter what and that I can bring you happiness. We’re a family now."
I don’t feel jealousy watching them, hearing their vows of dedication and love. I’m happy for all of them. There’s more than enough love emanating from Dani for all three of us. But I feel… left out. Which is stupid, because it’s my choice to not be standing there in front of Isaac with them.
Dani says "I do" to Nathan, then to Michael.
"Michael," she says, turning to Doc. "I love that you hear me, that you know me inside and out, and are so careful and thoughtful in how you love me. I love your smile and your heart."
"Dani." Michael stops and clears his throat. "I love you. You’re my soulmate. My counterpart. The woman who understands me, who appreciates me, who supports me. I cherish every moment I’ve spent with you and look forward to a forever of making beautiful memories together."
I think about that word. Forever.
It’s hard for me to think beyond the now. It always has been.
I’ve always been that guy who lived in the moment. Who existed in this practice, this game, this tournament. With one goal laid out for my future—play pro hockey and win a championship.
I always had a crush on Dani. I always hoped that someday I’d wind up with her.
But I never pictured all of this, and not because I consciously didn’t want it, but because I was just enjoying the beginnings of a very fucking awesome relationship.
And yet, I’m happy they’re all happy.
