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“I got you.” Donald hangs up the phone.
I toss the burner phone on the dresser and stare at the other phone that sits idle next to it.
Why? Why did you have to be so fucking wonderful?! I prepared for the uptight bitch that I saw in the office. It did not prepare me for everything else. My chest tears itself apart from the thought of her being with anyone else. The bullets that burned through my muscles or the knife that sliced my skin are child’s play compared to the fictitious fantasy in the form of Reese that sits on the dresser.
I grab the phone and hold it out in front of me. Taking a moment, I find her number and steady my thumb over the call button. Biting the bullet, I hit call. This has to happen.
After a few rings, her soft voice picks up. “John.”
I can hear the tenderness in her voice. She is happy to hear from me. “Hey, busy?”
“Collecting garbage.” She laughs. “Nah, I’m sitting at home watching a show.”
“What’s on?” I drop my head. It’s becoming unbearable.
“Cupcake Wars or something like that. They compete for the best cupcake. Some of this stuff is so off-the-charts weird. Sweet potato in a cupcake?”
“Sounds disgusting.” I tried to laugh. I can’t hide my hurt and disappointment.
“What’s wrong?” Reese quickly catches on. I huff, trying to find the motivation. She stays quiet on the other side of the line, which is slowly choking me. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. “John, what happened?” she tries again.
“I can’t do this.” I blurt out. Momentary silence falls on the phone. I can hear her breathing on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean you can’t do this?” she questions. “Do what?”
“This… us.”
“Wait…”
“I’m sorry,” I reiterate.
“Sorry?” she whispers. “Sorry—everyone is always sorry. What are you sorry for?”
“We went too far. It never should’ve gone this far.”
“So, you regret it?” she asks. I can feel her standing tall trying to be strong. Not allowing anyone to see her weakness.
No, god no! If she could only know the truth! But she is safer the less she knows! Such bullshit with it all, but I’m a dangerous man. If PTSD didn’t kill the good we have, then it would be the constant paranoia that follows me. I can hear Kevin pacing outside the door.
“I regret having it go this far.” The moment our lips touched, I instantly knew it was a mistake. “I am not the man for you. You deserve better.”
“I deserve better?” she huffs. An angry laugh escapes her sweet lips and I know I’m in for it. “I am so fucking glad that everyone seems to know what I deserve or what I need.”
“Reese—” I’m not sure what comes over me, but I want to comfort her. I don’t want her to hate me but I need her to.
“No!” she cuts me off. “My parents would remind me I didn’t know what I wanted. They were not even home enough to understand who I was. I was always just a kid. Kevin kept things from me all the time. He didn’t think I could see it, but I could. And then you came along. I knew you had shit going on that you didn’t tell me and that day after the shooting, I thought…” her voice trails off. Her heavy breathing has turned into cries. “I thought you were different.”
No, baby! I am different. I can feel the veins popping out on my neck. I want to scream until my throat bleeds.
“I don’t know what you mean when you say I deserve better. You are going to have to give me a better excuse. All I see is you pushing me away—as Kevin did after his last deployment. I am not stupid, John,” she challenges me.
I loathe the name John.
“I can see you are struggling with things and I can help! I will not give up on us that easily. John, I want you!”
Her cries that accompany her begging are painful. I can’t let her get hurt. I have to assume that Jessica told the lawyer about me, about Reese, about everything, just to see my downfall. To me, Reese is the only good thing in this world. She is why I could dream of the possibility of a normal life instead of darkness.
“Please, don’t do this.” I can hear her faint pleading.
