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“Don’t finish that sentence.” Victor turns his whole body to face mine, cupping my cheek to turn me to face him.
“Victor …”
“What if I stayed?” he quickly asks.
Lying here, I am completely taken aback. “I can’t ask you to change, not for me.”
“You don’t want me to stay?”
“No, I do! Believe me, I don’t want you to leave, but I can’t ask you to give up your life for me. I mean, your whole life is across the United States. Not just that, but we live in different worlds.”
Victor sits up and his body tenses. “You want me to stay, but then you also don’t. We live in different worlds?” His tone is stern and slightly cold. “Wow.”
Our discussion revolves around being truthful about our feelings. I try to calm the situation. It’s burning down fast.
“This wasn’t the way I imagined this conversation to go. I don’t need it thrown in my face from you about living in different circles. I get it at work all the time. Didn’t think I’d get this from you.”
Anger is welling up inside of me. “I’m sorry… What? You get it from work about us?”
“Yeah, but it never mattered to me because you made me happy. I just didn’t realize that it was something you thought of. You never seem to care what anyone thinks,” he accuses.
“It doesn’t! We wouldn’t be together if I cared what other people thought,” I say louder, trying to convince myself of my own words. His leaving, this conversation, and the fact other people have pipped up thinking they know anything about us, has me wanting to pull my hair out. “I didn’t realize you’d get such crap by slumming it with the lower class.”
My words are being thrown out like daggers, all because this emotional side I had hidden has surfaced. My defenses are building this wall back up.
“Stop saying that shit, Collins! I can’t believe after all this time you would throw that out there! Is that the kind of man you think I am?”
Words are escaping my mind and I can’t find the right things to say. Do I want him to stay? Of course, I want him. I want the forever kind of time.
I should stop talking, I should open up and tell him to stay. I should … I should … I should, but I’m Collins and everyone leaves. Eventually, everyone leaves. Finally, my emotions getting the best of me.
“Let me ask you this… Is it fair to ask someone to give up a life for me when I am not willing to do the same for them? My brothers are everything to me, and I won’t leave them. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know.” His tone couldn’t be more sarcastic if he tried. I have a feeling this is just the surface of what he can do.
“So, how can I selfishly ask you to stay, knowing that I don’t want to give up my life?” I wish I felt like I was making a valid point, but the uneasiness settles in deeper.
“By saying stay,” he yells. His chest heaving as he looks over his shoulder at me. The eyes that I’ve fallen for are wet and red.
“Victor…” I try to explain my point further, but he cuts me off.
“By saying I love you. Stay with me because I love you,” he screams at me. My heart stops. “I love you, Collins.”
I can feel tears stinging at the edge of my eyes. The shock has sunk into my nerves and I replay this whole moment in my head. Minutes pass by with us in complete silence. The line has been drawn in the sand. I want to say it. I want him to stay. I want him. But my body and mind betray me by repeating “how” and “why” in my mind. A good man wants to stay.
“You … You need to think of what I mean to you.” He pushes himself off the sand and walks away.
My heart most clearly has stopped, and I am internally beating my ass at the cowardly actions I just displayed.
I finally stand to go inside and foolishly think that Victor is still here. He’s left in a fit of anger, and that is all because of me. Sitting on the perfectly made bed, his fancy pajamas are neatly folded. In the chair next to the French doors that lead out to the beach are a few of his shirts and shorts, again perfectly folded.
On his side of the bed, there is a copy of one of his finance and law magazines that is seamlessly sitting on the nightstand along with this morning’s paper. The business page has been marked, and he’s pulled out the section that holds the week’s weather prediction. He started leaving it out so I could plan my surfing trips.
All of this is in my unorganized, eclectic home. He had started to make a space for himself here in my home and my heart. And there I went, ruining it with shame. He has taken my thoughts of everyone leaving and just replaced them with when will I see him again? I still can’t ask for someone to change for me if I’m not willing to make the commitment. I can’t risk leaving my mom and brothers.
Quiet like a mouse, busy as a bee. He has taken my heart and filled it with love. Unwavering and full of life and love.
Damn him.
