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ONE
END OF MAY
“How is it so easy to make people hate you, but hard as hell to get them to love you?” Candi asked out loud as she stared into her reflection. She was tired in both the physical and mental sense. Life had chewed her up and shitted her out. She was lost, but somehow, still found the strength to search for something she knew wasn’t there—love and someone to have for herself.
Broken and angry.
That was how she’d described herself every waking day. Crazily, Candi somehow still woke up, no matter how much toxic shit she’d consumed. Truthfully, she wanted to blame everyone but herself. Then when therapy and rehab kicked in, she was reminded that life was hers to man. She was the captain and crew of her own ship, which meant when shit fucked up, she had to place the blame on herself.
Her road to recovery and redemption was littered with obstacles. Candi often second-guessed her ability to get through it.
The vibration of her phone pulled her eyes away from the mirror. Grabbing it, she checked the notification and her breathing stalled as she clicked on her big sister’s profile. Jazze was beautiful. Her tanned, beige skin glowed from being loved properly. With two daughters now, Jazze was living her dream life with her dream man and family. Candi was happy for her sister—still, a twinge of jealousy lingered in her heart and mind. Not enough to have her doing anything flawed, but there was sometimes thought of, What if?
What if, she and Drama had tried to be more than fuck buddies?
What if, Candi didn’t permit her sister to fuck with Drama?
So many what-ifs. But the truth was, Drama was with her sister with plans to be married soon. That was the only reason Jazze wasn’t pregnant again.
The coin was two-sided. Candi loved that for her sister, but on the flip side, she wanted it for herself. Although she and Drama were no longer involved sexually, he was an important person in her life. He saved her when no one else knew she was drowning. And maybe, just maybe, had they still been fucking around, he wouldn’t have noticed her in distress. For that, she would love him until the end and respect his relationship with her big sister, whom she also loved dearly.
Loving all the new pictures on her sister’s page, she closed out of the app and dialed up her girl, Merci. The phone didn’t ring twice before her girl answered.
“Hey, girl,” Merci greeted. It sounded like she was moving around, based on the noise Candi heard in the background.
“What you doing, boo?”
“Girl, washing these boys' clothes. I’m not understanding how they have more dirty clothes than they wore. That shit be pissing me off,” Merci fussed.
Tossing her work shirt on, Candi looked at herself in the mirror once again. A deep sigh escaped her lips.
“What’s wrong, Candi?” Merci asked. “How’s Sapphire City? I don’t understand why you had to move away to get your mind together.”
“I don’t know how I feel right now, but I know I’ll be good one day. Merci, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time.”
“Why won’t you just tell your sister how you feel? Jazze loves you so much, girl. I wish I had siblings. It was just me and my parents.” The bond Candi had with her sister, Jazze, and best friend, Navee, was one Merci wished she had. They were so understanding and loved one another through their flaws.
Annoyed, Candi took a seat on her bed that sat on the floor. The move from her hometown of Jade City to Sapphire City wasn’t easy on her pockets. Back home, she was a stripper. She made good money, but just as fast as the money was made, she spent it. Designer clothes and shoes ate her pockets up. When it came time for her to change the scenery, she didn’t have much—just enough to put the deposit on the apartment and get the necessities like a mattress, dresser, couch, TV, and stand. Her small dining room was bare, but she’d been saving to get a cute little table big enough to fit two.
“What the fuck is that supposed to do? She has kids with him. They are getting married in a few months. And I don’t want him. It's just—”
“Just you have FOMO.” Merci cut her off.
With a scrunched-up face, Candi was confused. “The fuck is FOMO? Man, you be showing your white side every other damn day.”
Merci snickered. “Fear of missing out. You think if you would’ve told them you weren’t cool with them messing around, you would be the one happily engaged with kids.”
“But I don’t want him!” Candi raised her voice. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Merci.” Her eyes swelled with tears.
“Aww, babe. Have you talked to your therapist about it?”
“So much that I’m sure she’s tired of hearing the shit. I feel like a hater. Like, I want to be happy for my big sister, but something dark in my spirit takes over and I get mad and sad. Am I wrong?”
“You’re human, Candi. And although I know you don’t want Drama for yourself, I think you need to have a conversation with your sister. When’s the last time you talked to her, anyway?”
Candi squeezed her eyes together at the question. Conversations with her sister went from every day to maybe once a month. She talked to Drama more than she talked to Jazze and Navee. Navee was the third wheel to their trio and like a sister to them both. When it came to Navee, they didn’t talk as much because Navee was always working. Navee went from the strip club to being a dancer in videos and owning her car club. Her girl was booked and busy. Plus, Candi didn’t want Navee to feel like she had to pick a side. Therefore, she kept her distance from both Jazze and Navee.
“I talked to Drama. He said everyone was good.”
