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“Because you fucked him?” Jay was no dummy. From the way she chose her words to the way she smiled when she answered the phone for Drama, he could tell there had been something there. Maybe the something was one-sided but it was something.
Standing to her feet, Candi paced. “At one point, yes. But it’s not like that now. Plus, he’s a different man than the one I knew when we were fuckin’.”
“And the nigga with your sister?” Jay’s frame towered over hers. Their height difference wasn’t drastic but he was taller than her even if she wore heels. “And you think that nigga got love for you?”
“When you make it sound like that—”
“That’s what it is though, Candi. I ain’t trying to tell you what to do but I don’t like that nigga.” From the outside looking in, nothing about her friendship with Drama seemed to be healthy for her and Jay was willing to bet her therapist felt the same. “I know you feel indebted to him because he got you in rehab or whatever but I’m willing to bet he is one of the main reasons you ain’t talking to your sister.”
Fire danced in her eyes. “You don’t know shit!” Listening to him read her like a book didn’t feel good. Her irrational thoughts told her he was judging her and Candi hated feeling judged. “The fuck you know about my life? All you see is a bitch with easy pussy but you don’t know why I don’t think my love or body is special or sacred.”
“That ain’t what I said, though.” Jay waved her off.
“Then what you saying, Jayshun?”
“It don’t matter ’cause now you on the defense when you ain’t got to do all that with me. Go ahead and get on your Zoom with your therapist.”
“You trying to say I’m crazy?” Candi wasn’t hearing anything he was saying. She had put two and two together to get a million.
Jay looked at her upside her head. This was what he was just implying. Something about Drama was a trigger for her and instead of seeing that for what it was, she put the trigger on her sister. If Drama hadn’t pursued her sister after he’d done God knows what to Candi’s body, Candi would still be in love with her sister. He was willing to bet, she replaced one obsession with the other.
Jay wasn’t going to engage with her rage. He turned to walk away to give her time to cool down.
Jumping in front of him, his sweet Candi had turned sour. “Don’t fuckin’ walk away from me.”
“Watch out, Candi.” Jay tried to go around her but was stopped again by her. He could’ve easily gotten her out of his face but that wasn’t the type of shit he wanted to be on with her. If they were going to build something, he needed her to understand he wasn’t with all that aggression and putting hands on each other. His mama had raised him better than that.
“Oh, what happened to Magic? I ain’t all whimsical and shit anymore, huh? You finally took off those rose-colored glasses, huh?” Her almond eyes were tight, like slits.
The skin on his face tightened as he tried his hardest to remain calm. Jay wanted to see things from Candi’s point of view but he was drawing a blank. Her insecurities were more than he thought, and if he wasn’t so invested, he would gladly walk away. But the healer in him wouldn’t allow him to. That and the tiny voice in his heart pleading with him to see past the person she thought she was.
“I’m not ’bout to argue with you over a nigga I don’t give a fuck about. I’m ’bout to hit up my Ma and let her know you ain’t coming in today.” Placing his hands on both of her arms, he leaned forward. Face to face, his eyes never wavered when he looked into hers. “I don’t give a fuck about that nigga or any nigga that came before me. I also don’t give a fuck about you being crazy. Get on your fuckin’ call and calm the fuck down before I have to do it for you.” He kissed her lips before she finally allowed him to walk away.
Feeling stupid, Candi just stood there until she heard him on the phone with Jolene. She listened to see if he said anything bad about her. When nothing was said, she went over to the couch to retrieve her phone to call Dr. Joy. She had a lot of shit to unpack.
SEVEN
Candi sat in the middle of the living room floor in a daze. Her therapist gave her shit to think about. This was the first time she took the gloves off and gave them to Candi real and raw. It is time we got past the kiddie bullshit, Miss Candi. If you want this man, you’re going to have to be honest about who you were, are, and who you will be. This young man seems understanding but you’re in your head. Now, what did love use to feel like to you? Dr. Joy’s words replayed in her mind. All the soft and gentle therapy was out the window. Dr. Joy felt good roughing it up because, for the first time since they had been working together, Candi finally seemed ready. All thanks were due to Jay.
His genuine interest in her was the wake-up call Candi needed to see maybe she was worthy of love—deserving of something for herself.
Love felt like sex. That was Candi’s confession in therapy. Love felt like nasty, degrading pounding. She loved sex and people—men and women seemed to love sex with her.
Her session had been over with for hours but she remained in her position just thinking. The view of the sunset helped create vivid pictures of a healed version of herself. She couldn’t wait to see her reflection and not see the worn-out little girl anymore.
Her body jumped when Jay slid behind her but calmed when his cologne and arms wrapped around her. “How was therapy?”
“Heavy as fuck.” There was slight humor in her voice.
“I’m proud of you.” Jay’s baritone pulled water from her eyes.
Candi laid her hands on his arms, desperate to feel him— make sure he was real. “Why?” She needed an explanation to make his words more real. Tangible.
Kissing the back of her head, he stared at their reflection in the window. “I’m proud of you for doing what a lot of people are scared to do. I’m proud of you for waking up. Proud of you for trying. Proud of you for doing this. Proud of you for living.”
Candi thought Jay had to have a magic ball that showed him her life. How else could he know she’d thought about ending it all? On more than one occasion too. If not for therapy, she probably would’ve attempted it by now. Her body bounced from crying. Jay was an angel on earth. The way he could see her— seeing her without judging was a blessing to a girl like her.
“You gotta stop crying, Magic.” Jay rocked their bodies to soothe her.
