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“Go enjoy dinner,” he spoke softly before he walked down the darkened hallway. But I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t even want to come to this dinner and the only reason I did come had just walked away from me. He couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as me. Gods, I must have looked psychotic to be possessive and jealous during dinner. I turned quickly on my heels and went to my room. I tore the fancy dress from my body. I tossed it and the shoes away from me as if they were the reason I was upset.
I had hurt him. I had said mean and nasty things to him. I had no right to be upset by his dismissal of me. He probably hated me now. Gods, I love you. His voice echoed in my broken and useless mind. I laid down to try and sleep but I was too preoccupied with what memories would plague me tonight. Would it show more happy memories, or would it show me nothing? I stared at the dark ceiling wishing to just fall asleep.
My silent prayer never came true, as the early morning sun peeked over the mountains and filled my small room with light. Great. I was running on no sleep, and I felt shittier and shittier about myself.
Chapter 21
Isat on the edge of my bed, staring at my daggers. Then my eyes shifted to the bow and arrows that still sat in the corner from when I saved Cassius. I needed to disappear for the day and be alone. What I needed to do was try to make sense of this jumbled mess inside of my head. If that was even possible, I snorted to myself. How could I piece together a puzzle when I had less than half the pieces?
I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was rely on the words of others to understand my own life and I struggled with that. I struggled to trust anyone who tried to be friendly to me and now I had to trust that they would be honest with me. My chest clenched with uncertainty. Would I ever know the full truth of any of this? I wanted to believe Cassius and everyone else here, but I wasn’t a fool to also see how easily they could manipulate me if they wanted.
My clothes itched as I slipped them on. These walls and thoughts were suffocating me slowly. Opening the door to my room, I peeked my head out slowly. I saw no one and not a sound could be heard. I knew it was way earlier than breakfast would be ready, but the complete silence of the castle unsettled me. I hurried to the front doors and closed them softly before heading to the stables. I looked around but no noise greeted me until I climbed on the back of Cassius’s black horse. My head whipped around towards the castle when I heard the doors bang open.
Cassius was standing with three other guards looking around until he spotted me on top of his horse. He took a step towards me, but I flicked the reins and his horse darted into the woods without direction. I leaned far forward so the branches would not hit me. My cloak flew freely in the breeze behind me. I didn’t know where the horse insisted on taking me, but he seemed to have his own destination in mind.
I turned when I heard galloping behind me. Cassius was coming up behind us. The horse he rode was white as clouds and didn’t fit him in the slightest. I smirked to myself at the sight of the ill-fitting horse and his big frame. I turned forward, not seeing anyone else following me. Cassius’s horse slowed to a steady trot before a clearing emerged.
My breath caught when I realized where we were. There was still a white circle on the ground, but it was overgrown with grass and shrubs. My eyes peered to the left where the stone wall stood, unchanged from the memory of Cassius taking me against it. The horse brought me to where Cassius and I used to train together. He stopped and I heard the crunch of his feet on the ground getting closer to me. He walked up to me and yanked me off the horse and placed me down in front of him. His shadows curled behind him like black wings and his eyes swirled with irritation.
“What are you doing?” he hissed. “You stole my horse?”
“I would have brought him back.” I sighed. “Why did you follow me?” I breathed heavily, trying to show my annoyance.
“You snuck out of the castle at an ungodly hour and stole a horse. I was making sure you weren’t trying to leave the trials.”
His black shadows bowed slightly in defeat as he said what worried him. His eyes swam with emotions that I should have been able to read but couldn’t. I didn’t even trust myself enough to believe the thoughts going through my head. Cassius’s hands still gripped my arms as we stood there staring at each other.
“I just wanted a day to myself,” I whispered.
“You didn’t come back to dinner last night.” It was a statement, but a question lingered within it. I looked away from him and towards the horses behind him.
“I only went to that stupid dinner so I could see you,” I said defeatedly. Tell him the truth, I told myself. Tell him what you’ve been seeing about the two of you. “And you were too busy with Flora and after she left you didn’t care to stay. You ran from me.”
I gave him a hard glare, but his eyes held no distaste or malice. They softened as he listened to my reasoning.
“You said you hate me, yet you protect me from a man with a knife to my throat. You tell him if he ever harms me, you will send his head back to his Kingdom. You get jealous when they mention me taking a bride. I don’t know what you’re thinking inside of here,” he pointed at my forehead. “I left dinner, but I came back. I just needed to not be near you for a moment.”
He stepped past me and rubbed his hands down his face in defeat. The Wisp was dancing around our horses in her dark green flames. She hadn’t been around lately, or maybe I had been too stuck in my own head to notice.
“Your possessiveness and desire to want to protect me was too much. It’s torture to have you act like you care for me, but also hate me just as much.” His eyes shifted to me as they turned dark. “I left so that I could collect myself because all I wanted to do was slide my hand up the slit of that dress and show you how fucking good we are together. It is killing me that you might hate me, Thea. That you don’t remember us. I pray to Gods I don’t believe in that you will find your way back to me because I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you.”
His eyes stared into mine. “I’m lost without you.”
My heart beat hard in my chest because Cassius looked so…heartbroken. His pain made my body ache. Something inside of me felt the same, the part of me still lost somewhere deep in my forgotten memories. The part of me that remembered him.
“We’ve been here before,” I whispered and moved my hand around the white circle. His eyes didn’t move from mine. My heart beat so wildly in my chest at his words. The tug that I felt deep within me when he was near me pulled tightly like it wanted me to go near him. I took a step forward. His chest heaved in short puffy breaths as his hands clenched into fists to his sides.
“How do you know that?”
“Sometimes I have small flashes of memories. Little moments about you and me.” Admitting it felt good. “We trained here. You were so playful with me, so different from that first memory I had of you.”
Sadness flickered across his handsome features again. He glanced around the clearing and focused on the wall for a moment, and I wondered if that was the first thing that he thought of too. How many times have we done that here?
“So, I guess I just need to get naked to beat you in a fight?” A smile tugged at my lips as I repeated my words to him. His head snapped to mine quickly at recognition of the phrase.
“You remember that memory?” His voice was strained.
“Yes.” I nodded. “You've been haunting my every dream and waking thought since I said those horrible things to you. I wonder if my heart is trying to help me understand who you are to me. How good we were together because it remembers even if my mind doesn’t.”
