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"Yes," the word stumbled out, a lie, bitter and acrid on my tongue. I would not deny this man, but I would not, could not find happiness after he was dead.
There was no one left in this world for me. The selfishness of our world stuffed bellies full but choked off any other genuine emotion.
I'd been living a half-life for so long, I didn’t hope for anything more.
Douglass, the only man who hadn’t betrayed me in this life, would die, and my trust in this world would go with him.
He searched my eyes, as if seeing the lie behind my acquiescence, but he didn't say anything more, forcing it back into me through my guilt. He nodded, then his eyes slid downward, his fingers slipping from my grip. "And now," he exhaled, squeezing eyes shut as if to hide from his next words, an action so unfamiliar I had to blink to reorient myself. "I must beg your forgiveness."
“There is nothing to ask. You never need to ask for my forgiveness. I owe you everything?—“
"Shhhh," he waved me silent, "let a dying man speak."
I clamped down on my next words, swallowing them down with their uneaten truths. "Okay.”
"It's my fault, and I did not tell you."
I didn't answer him. I was confused, but I knew he would tell me, though my chest tightened with fear.
"It's my fault," he repeated himself. "It was my, my..." licking dry lips once again, but this time, I didn't reach for the drink. He didn't need water but a cleansing of his soul. "When they killed her," he didn't need to clarify who, "they went after Summer. And so, I gave them…” he faltered, two breaths before he could speak again. "I gave them you." His eyes finally met mine, unafraid. "I gave them you. And. Be-because of me, they kill—killed your nana.”
The fear clenching my chest roared up, choking and suffocating. It burned the back of my throat, rancid and acidic.
I shook my head, blinking. "No. That's not true. If it was, you would've told me years ago.”
"You loved me, and I could not give that up."
“What?” I jerked to my feet, unable to believe what he was saying. Realization washed over me. “Greybone Estates.”
“Yes.” He didn't falter but stayed, staring into my eyes, his back straightening. His last act of courage before death claimed him. “The land; it belonged to you. I gave them your information, and they killed your nana. Then I looked into your eyes and lied to you. Lied in everything I said and did because it was my fault that they killed her. It was my fault that you had no one and not a penny to your name," His fingers again, around my wrist, tightening as his voice changed, growing desperate, "It was my fault. I hated myself for what I did." He shook his head, his hold on me releasing as he turned away. "I don't deserve your love or forgiveness."
Leaning down, I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me. To be a man. To tell me the fucking truth. My voice hissed, betraying the rage I was feeling inside. "Who did it?"
His chin tilted upwards, his eyes meeting mine. "Saul."
The thread of our connection, of the bond giving me life, snapped. My heart stopped as the betrayal became clear.
"And you didn't tell me?" I exploded outward, slapping against the cup. Water sprayed, the sound of cheap plastic hitting the wall behind me bouncing, bouncing. "All this time, he was right there. You knew I was looking for the truth, and you didn't tell me."
Salty tears were once again dripping from his soul-filled, guilty eyes. "Yes. I am a coward."
"You most certainly are." I wanted to regret my words, but I couldn't.
I turned away, turning my back on my closest friend, raging inside. I clenched my fingers into fists, the need to smash something overcoming all else.
How could he?
My whole life was one betrayal after another.
The only man I ever trusted.
And it was a lie.
"I'm sorry." A whispered tone, filled with agony and grief that I knew was all too real.
It had haunted him for years. Tortured him.
And I…I didn't want it to end like this. Did I? Could I leave him with his guilt? After everything he’d given me?
