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Even if I wanted him to be.
The Mercedes looked boxed in by the other cars, but Ian tucked me into the passenger seat with surprisingly tender hands, and then proceeded to drive out of the tiny space without touching any of the nearby cars. The warm spring night spread out in front of us, but I couldn’t feel it. I was cold inside the car, and wrapping my arms around my body wasn’t doing me any good as I shivered.
I tried to tighten my muscles, to keep from shaking, but I was already stiff from fright and disgust. I needed to get home, get away from everyone, and then I’d be all right. Up until then I simply needed to be calm in front of Ian, act like it didn’t matter.
And then I started crying. Fuck! Bella would never cry, Bella would laugh at anyone who tried to frighten her like that. She wouldn’t have missed his balls when she kneed him; she would have laughed and had another drink and gone on to the next man.
And I was sitting in the darkness beside Ian, shivering and crying like a baby. I could only thank God that he didn’t notice.
We were halfway up the deserted road to Mariposa, and I knew I’d manage as long as he didn’t look at me, as long as he didn’t express any sympathy. Not that Ian the Wretch ever felt sympathy, at least not for my sorry ass. Bella’s sorry ass. I surreptitiously wiped the tears from my face, trying not to sniff.
We’d almost made it home when he suddenly jerked the steering wheel to the right, slamming the car into one of the passing places on the road, shoving it into park and turning to glare at me. “Why are you crying?” he demanded, and for some reason, there was real anger in his voice.
I shrank back against the passenger door. I’d had enough, and I couldn’t fight back—Bella had left the building. “I’m not,” I said stiffly.
He’d undone his seatbelt, and he reached over and flicked mine open before I realized what he was doing, and then he’d pulled me into his arms.
“Damn you, no!” I sobbed, burrowing against his chest. “I’m f-f-fine!” And then I couldn’t say anything at all as I wept. I hated it, I hated the weakness, the vulnerability that was wracking me, I hated the real terror I’d felt in that man’s arms, I hated the real comfort I felt in Ian’s. In a moment, he would push me away, mock me, tease me, and I thought I would shatter if he did.
He didn’t. He kissed me. He kissed my face, wet with tears, his mouth warm and hard against my mine, he kissed my eyelids, my cheekbones, and then my mouth, and this time I kissed him back, my fists tight in his shirt, feeling his strong body beneath my fingers, and I pulled at it, wanting it off.
He pulled back, suddenly. “Don’t!” he said.
I felt as though I’d been slapped in the face, and I froze. I needed to get away from him, get away from the lies, the deceptions, the old insecurities, and I fumbled for the door, managing to get it open before he reached over me and hauled me back, closing it once more. “Stop being a baby, Bella-Beast.”
It was the last straw. I hit at him, trying to break free, but he was too strong, overpowering me, holding me on his lap, and I could feel how hard he was beneath me, I knew how turned on he was, and it made no sense. But it aroused me. “Stop it,” he said again, in a different voice.
Neither of us moved, staring into each other’s eyes for a long breathless moment. What would Bella do, I thought dazedly, but my doppelganger was nowhere. And I found my voice.
“Make up your mind, Ian. Do you hate me or want me?” My voice was raw but my words were clear.
“Can’t I do both?” Releasing my arm, he slid his hand behind my neck, under the thick fall of hair, and pulled my face to his, my mouth to his, and this time he used his tongue.
I wanted to kiss him back. I wanted to straddle him on the front seat of the Mercedes; I wanted him to fuck the fear, the hurt, the lies out of me.
But he’d said no, and I wasn’t going to get hurt again. I pulled away, and he made no effort to stop me this time. “Please take me home,” I said. My voice was weaker than I would have liked, but I couldn’t summon my righteous anger any more than I could summon Bella. “Please.”
Without another word, he put the car into gear, and I realized with shock that the motor had been on all this time. Clearly, he hadn’t been that blinded by passion.
We reached the deserted stable yard in less than five minutes, and I was out of the car before he could stop me, putting distance between us. “I can’t say it’s been lovely.” My voice was brittle. “Let’s not do this again.”
“You’re forgetting one thing,” he drawled, totally unmoved by my iciness.
“What’s that?”
“Someone threatened you tonight. There’s no one you annoy anyone more than me, and yet I don’t want to hurt you. I want to know who does, and why.”
“What a compliment. The man was probably just drunk.” But I shivered, remembering the specificity of his words. He knew me, he knew what would terrify me, he knew...
And it wasn’t until that moment that I finally realized the patently obvious. He’d been threatening Bella, not me. I almost sagged with relief.
“If you believe that, then you’re a bigger idiot that I thought you were,” Ian said. “You wouldn’t be so freaked out by some random drunk.”
“Aren’t you going to tell me I was asking for it, dancing with everybody, shaking my ass for the hoi polloi?” I snapped.
He shook his head. “Not likely. Particularly since you were shaking your ass for me, not anyone else.”
He’d finally managed to silence me, but only for a moment. “I hate you.”
