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She made me want to be a better person, made me not want to be so dark, my life not so set in stone. There was hope and possibilities of me having a future when I was with her.
“The day you left, I felt like I’d been dropped into this dark pit, no hope of light ever penetrating to the very bowels of it.” I opened my eyes and stared at the wall again, getting lost in thoughts, just rambling, letting the words out. They needed to be said. “I embraced that darkness, let it grow and fester inside me. It became this friend, this companion. I never stopped searching, even when I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere, when there would be no answers, no hope of me even finding you. I never stopped, Nadja.”
She pulled back then and tipped her head to look into my eyes. It didn’t matter what she looked like now. She was still the same woman I loved, would always love. I could see this darkness in her eyes too, the same one that had its claws dug deep into my soul.
We’d always been one and the same. A part of me knew it wouldn’t be like before. She’d need time, no matter how strong our connection was, how it had only grown with time.
But she was mine. She’d always be mine. I would keep telling her that, cementing it in her so she knew without a shadow of a doubt that we were tethered together for life. She’d never be alone.
“I’m sorry for just barging back into your life.” Her voice was so soft, light, like a feather, as if she really didn’t want to say the words. “I had no right to come here, seeking your help, but I had nowhere else to turn.” She looked away from me then, staring at her hands, which rested on her lap. “You probably have a new life, a… family.”
That last word was tense, stiff. I lifted my hand, a finger underneath her chin, and tilted her head back so she was forced to look into my eyes again. For long moments, I didn’t say anything, just stared at her, wishing things could have been different, that there hadn’t been that distance between us.
“You’re my family.” Those words seemed so tame for how I really felt, for how I really meant them to sound. “You’ve always been my family, Nadja. I’m glad you came back. I’m glad you knew you could turn to me for help. That’s how I want it always to be.” I knew she assumed I had a woman in my life. I knew what she’d meant when she said “family,” that she didn’t mean my brothers. I heard that in her voice, saw it in her expression.
I didn’t know how to accurately say all the things I wanted to say. Of course there was the obvious, just coming out with it, but I wanted her to feel the words. I wanted her to experience that what I said was the genuine, bone-deep truth.
So instead of saying anything else, I just leaned in and pressed my lips to hers, closing my eyes and moving my mouth against hers. For a moment, she was stiff against me, but it only took a second for her to melt against my body, for her to wind her arms around my neck. Her breasts were pressed against my chest, and I felt the stiff outline of her nipples.
But this wasn’t about sex. This wasn’t about that kind of pleasure.
And in this moment as we kissed, we connected in a way I hadn’t felt in so long. We were two souls finally coming back together.
I hadn’t realized until this moment exactly how empty I had been without her in my life.
20
Nadja
I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the tray of food Frankie brought hours ago. The room was submerged in darkness, the only light filtering through the open blinds of the room. I’d been sitting in the blackness, letting it swallow me up for so long my ass had gone numb.
I closed my eyes and exhaled. I wanted to ask him to sit and eat with me, but things were very weird right now, and I knew it was me making them that way. All the things he told me earlier tonight told me I wasn’t alone in how I felt.
But I really didn’t know for certain how things would play out, and my biggest worry was Frankie getting caught in the crosshairs of my problems.
I only have myself to blame, since I came to him for help.
I rubbed my hands over my face, feeling so exhausted, but it went deeper than just being physically tired.
I looked over at the closed bedroom door. I wanted to go to him now, to slip under the sheets beside him and just curl my body against his, let his strength surround me. I wanted to feel that safety always, and I felt that when I was with Frankie. I was selfish, so selfish, because I’d come here, because I wasn’t leaving him and making sure he was safe.
