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She probably would. So what I had to do was decide if that was something I needed or if I needed to just be left alone for the moment.
The problem was then that I didn’t know what I wanted. Not one bit.
“It’s going to be okay baby.” My mom massaged my shoulders and I looked up at her gratefully. “I’m here, and I’ve got you.”
“Thank you.”
“Shall we get something to eat? It’s getting a little late.”
“That sounds good.”
I followed my mom into the kitchen, where I was comforted by the sounds and smells of her making something for the two of us to eat until everything else seemed to fade into the background.
* * *
After dinner, I headed up to my room and contemplated what I should do next. I did really want to talk to someone about what was going on, what had happened, so I decided that my best course of action at that moment was to text Vanessa.
I pulled out my phone and sent her a simple ‘hey’ before tossing my phone on my bed and grabbing a book to read while I waited for her to respond.
Books had been my escape for a very long time. Especially when I was young and didn’t have very many friends—often no friends at all—I found solace in being able to read. I would often carry books to school. I stopped doing that when Lucas and I became friends, as I finally had someone that I could talk to and hang out with.
I sighed. I knew that we would still be friends, we always had been, but I didn’t want to think about him right now. It just made me miss him. So, I turned back to reading my book.
I didn’t get very far though. Vanessa responded to my text within another few minutes.
Hey, what’s up? her response read.
Uh, I don’t know where to begin.
Don’t worry, I’m here to listen, do you want to call?
I seriously considered it for a moment, but I knew that I might cry again talking about everything and I didn’t want her to hear that.
No, I’d rather just text.
That’s perfectly fine, just text, I’m here for you.
I took a deep breath and then began typing out the story on my keyboard. I typed out how my mom had come, what a disaster that had been, then how Lucas had tried to break up with me to make things better and I left in tears, then the apology that my mom had given me and where I was now. I feared it was a lot, and it took me several minutes to type everything out.
Then, when I pressed send, I couldn’t bear to see the text bubble as Vanessa began to type so I tossed my phone to the other side of my bed and tried to turn back to my book. But I was way too anxious. I couldn’t concentrate on reading at all.
Then my phone buzzed, and I picked it up as quickly as I could, scanning Vanessa’s message back to me.
That is a lot, and I can understand why you would be upset and need to talk to someone. But it also doesn’t sound to me like Lucas was actually trying to break up with you. I think he may have been offering a solution that he thought you might want, but he wasn’t forcing it on you. I’m glad that your mom apologized, but I still wish she would say or do more. It sounds like she hurt you a lot and I don’t think a simple apology is enough to negate that. But it’s all your choice.
I sighed; I had a feeling this was coming. Deep down in my heart, I knew that everything she was saying was true, I had just needed someone to confirm that for me.
I just don’t want to lose her again now that I have her.
Like I said, it’s your choice. But I do hope that you will consider what I’ve said and that you understand where I’m coming from when I say this: I want your mom to do more to apologize. If she’s not willing to accept that you want to be with Lucas, then that’s extremely selfish considering the turmoil that she’s put you through. I know you’re going to say that she’s just trying to protect you, but this seems to go beyond that.
I suppose you’re right. I think I may just have to think about it for a few days. I sighed. Of course, Vanessa was right, it was also just a lot more complicated than that. I had a lot of feelings involved and invested, and part of me wanted Lucas to show me that he wanted to be with me. I wanted him to come to me, instead of the other way around.
It would help me to gauge if he was really sincere, and this was something I seemed to have had a lot of trouble with recently.
And as far as my mom went, I had a feeling she would continue to show me that she was sorry. And, in time, things could go back to the way that I was used to them being.
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