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My mind spirals back to Thursday before last. I raced out of the hospital like a woman possessed, legs like lead. I’m not even sure how I made it to my car, it’s all such a blur. I sat in the driver’s seat and cried and cried and cried, banging my fist against the steering wheel as if it were Nick’s face and screaming, “You bastard, you liar. I hate you. How could you do this to me?’ A couple walking past tapped on my steamy window, asked if I was okay, if I needed any help. I did need help. I was in no fit state to drive. I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. Ronan answered on the second ring.
“Audrey? His voice was a bit hoarse. I wondered if I’d woken him. “Audrey is that you?”
“Oh, Ro…I…please,” I blubbed. “I he…she…I can’t…” I wasn’t making any sense at all.
“Where are you, for God’s sake? Just tell me and I’ll be there.”
“I’m at…” More snotty sobs, “please, Ro, help me, please come…I can’t…he’s…”
“Are you still at the hospital?” Ronan sounded terrified. “Is it Nick? Has he taken a turn for the worse?”
“Yes,” I managed, between gulps. “I mean no, no! Nick’s the same but I’m still here…I’ve…”
“Just stay where you are, I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m leaving right now. Okay?” he said firmly. “STAY WHERE YOU ARE.”
“Okay, Ronan, thanks,” I sniffed. “I’m in the car park.”
Fifteen minutes later I saw Ronan climbing out a black cab through my rear-view mirror. I bustled out of my car as quickly as I could and stood beside it waving at him frantically. When he spotted me he raced over and I flung my arms around his neck, sobbing onto his white t-shirt, all the time telling him how stupid and let down I felt. And he held me tight, stroked my hair, soothed me with calming platitudes as I droned on and on – how could he? He promised me there was no one else. You said he loved me. Everyone was right about him. Why didn’t I listen? I’m such an idiot.
“Come on,” he said, when the tears finally stopped. “I’ll take you home.”
“But what about you?” I sniffled, searching my pockets for another tissue.
“Don’t worry about me.” He dabbed at my eyes with his handkerchief gently, “I’ll jump on a W7 bus. It’s only a short ride away.”
We drove home in silence, punctured only by Ronan asking me if I’d eaten, if I wanted him to stop off for a takeaway. But I was in no mood for food. I felt as if someone had plunged their hand into my chest and wrenched out my heart. Like a fool, I believed Nick when he swore on Coleen’s life that there was no one else. My mind was racing, ticking away like a time-bomb - how long had he been shagging her? Why did he lie to me? When did he meet her? Then as we reached Highgate, a sudden feeling of dread washed over me like a huge, angry wave.
“You knew,” I said accusingly.
“What?”
“You knew and you didn’t tell me. You just let me go and visit him day after day.”
“No!” Ronan insisted, raising a hand. “I didn’t know a thing. I swear.”
“Don’t lie to me, Ronan,” I screamed, “we all know that you and Nick are joined at the hip. You didn’t even seem surprised when I told you.” I swivelled in my seat and glared at him as he switched lanes. His face was red, ginger brows knotted, eyes wide and moist. I knew I was right. He just strung me along with all his charming comments so that he wouldn’t have to face this alone. So good old gullible Audrey can do a few hospital shifts.
I undid my seatbelt, the warning bell chimed and chimed. I’d always found that noise incredibly annoying, but at that moment I wanted to rip it out of the panel and hurl it out of the window at a passer-by. I was livid.
“Audrey, what are you doing?” Ronan glanced at me quickly then his eyes darted back to the road.
“I’m getting out, that’s what. I don’t want to spend another moment in this car with a lying, cheating scumbag like you. Stop the car!”
“Audrey, calm down, will you.” A sheen of sweat glistened at his hairline. He glanced at me again, swallowing hard, a car overtook us.
“Stop the car right now or else I’m going to jump out.”
“This is your car, for fuck’s sake. I’m taking you home.”
And then I don’t know what came over me but I leant over, grabbed the steering wheel and started turning it towards me. We swerved along the road, wheels screeching, our voices blaring. Ronan, being much stronger than me, managed to keep control of the car, and I lost my grip. I fell back into my seat, hair wild, heart pumping hard and fast in my chest, my ears. “Let me out,” I cried.
“Calm down, Audrey. We’re almost home.”
He put his foot down on the pedal. Angry drivers beeped their horns and swore at us from their rolled down windows as they sped past, faces twisted in fury. But I was having none of it. I had to get out. I felt claustrophobic, breathless. The indicator clanged as we turned into a side road. I straightened up and managed to get my hand back on the wheel, forcing it again to the left. Ronan hit the brakes as a car veered past us, horn blasting, wheels screaming, and then we were still.
The road was quiet. I was halfway down the passenger seat. For a moment I was frozen, terrified I’d broken something, and then I felt blood trickling from my nose. Ronan looked at me, face ashen, chest heaving, hands still curled around the steering wheel tightly.
He spoke first. “Are you okay?” I shifted back up the seat and wiped my nose with my fingers, no blood; just watery mucus. I nodded. “Are you sure? Do you want me to drive you back to the hospital to get a once over?”
