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She purses her lips and shakes her head. “No, but thank you.”
I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, but I don't know what to do. Opening up my phone again, I decide that maybe it's time to change tactics. I download an app while whistling the little tune that's playing on repeat in my heart.
There is nothing I want more than for her to know that I care and that I'm here for her. If she wants things to move slow between us, that is absolutely fine with me, but I'm not about to let her feel like I've forgotten about how I feel about her.
“You seem happy,” she says, and I quit whistling.
“Sorry, not trying to disturb you.”
She smiles at me. “You didn’t. I was just making an observation.”
“I'm about to have lunch with a very lovely lady; what is there to not be happy about?” I’m sure the words sound cheesy, but I feel cheesy and I want her to know it. Either she'll think it's cute or she won't. So no matter what, I'll have an answer.
“You’re cute,” she says, her beautiful eyes sparkling.
“So are you,” I say, picking up my phone as a notification chimes. The bouquet of white Chrysanthemums, and pink and purple daisies will arrive today; one for work, one for home. And every single day for the next month she’ll have more flowers to enjoy. I was careful to make sure that the cards for the work bouquet are ambiguous to anyone else but will have meaning to her. Today’s will mention that I want a moment with her under a willow tree. And I don’t even mean the kiss - the moment had been amazing before that, and I want her to know that she’s on my mind.
Of course, I’ve also set up some that are jokes, compliments, and silly. But every single one is heartfelt. I can only hope that nobody figures it out and that there’s no trouble or suspicion here at work. I don’t want to expose our secret, and if I was a betting man, I’d think that her fear for her reputation might be part of the reason she’s been so cool lately.
I just want to see her smile, know that I’ve made her day, and I can’t get the moment she’d told me that she bought her own flowers out of my head. Bringing a splash of color to her day might also make her happy and make her feel loved.
When lunch arrives, we both stop working and eat our meatball subs and it's almost like we’ve gone back in time to before my dad’s accident. We share jokes, laughter, and smiles, as well as tidbits of the cases we're working on around bites, and I hold onto the way those moments make me feel. She makes me feel alive, amplifies my happiness, and brightens my day.
I feel a flash of sadness when lunch ends and it’s time to get back to work. But I have other plans; I'm going to go visit my father in the hospital. Letting her know where I'm going, I slip out of the office before making my way to my car.
On the way over, all I can think about is the animated joy in her face as we shared lunch.
When I open the door to my father's hospital room, I'm struck by how much he's changed. Even though he's grown stronger, he has lost weight, leaving his face gaunt. He brightens up when he sees me, and I wonder how much longer he’ll have to be here. The bruises on his face have nearly faded, and the areas where the stitches were put in the side of his head have healed over. He looks better, but I know the things we can’t see are where the worry is. I can hear his voice that he's stronger, that he's doing better, recovering, and the optimistic, hopeful sound of his voice brings a smile to my lips.
“Clifton, it's good to see you.” As he says the words, I realize I don't doubt he means them, which is a nice and painful feeling all at once. Over the last couple of weeks we've grown much closer and gotten to know one another better. We've even shared fond memories of my mother and I learned things I never knew before - like that she’d worked in a bakery before I’d come along.
“So have you met anyone yet?” His question comes out playfully, but all I can think about is Emma.
“Dad, all I do is work, eat, sleep, and repeat.” As I say the words, I worry that he's going to feel guilty, like he's the reason I haven't met someone, as opposed to the reality... that it’s just an excuse.
“Life is going to pass you by before you know it.” He sounds sure, and sad. “Just promise me that if you find love, you'll hold on to it.”
“Of course.” I have no plans of letting her escape, unless she wants to go.
“Life is too short to hold a grudge, to be alone or unhappy.” I sense he's reliving old memories as he speaks. “Life is unpredictable and fragile. It can all be gone in the blink of an eye, so live it to the fullest and enjoy every moment.”
Given how close he'd come to nearly losing his life, I realize he's right. Of course, as amazing as his advice sounds, bills still have to be paid and empires need to be kept intact.
“Have you ever thought about selling the firm?”
I glance sharply at him, wondering if he's reading my mind. “What?”
“Have you ever thought about selling it? Taking a big chunk of money and just walking away. Retiring early. Going somewhere where you can dig your feet in the sand and feel the warm sunshine on your neck.” He drifts off again and I wonder once more if this is him or the pain meds talking. Of course, it could also be the traumatic brain injury... but this man doesn't sound like my father. He sounds like a man who has changed his mind about what’s important and no longer wants the same things.
He’s also offering me a neat way out that allows me to keep Emma.
He blinks at me, his eyes full of wisdom. “I don't want you to miss out or waste your life working like I did. The thing that I regret the most is not spending more of my time with your mother before she was gone.” Tears sparkle in his eyes. “And, of course, for pushing you away. I'll never get those years back.”
I know he’s right, but how would he feel if he found out that I want Emma? How would he react? Would he be angry and judgmental? Would he fire me for breaking company rules and policies?
I can't imagine he wouldn't be angry, disappointed, and shocked. All of my life he's been a very by the books kind of man.
Some little part of me hopes, as I sit down beside his bed, that he’d be happy for us. But right now, I want to focus on my time with him, just in case.
