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By now the kids have clattered off to a mini play area in one corner of the diner.
My phone pings with a push notification.
Welcome to Date My Sibling! Congratulations, you’ve been signed up by your sibling to join our exclusive dating app. Click through to see your new profile and get looking for love!
‘What the …?’ I mumble.
‘You okay?’ Joe asks as I scroll through my new profile.
‘In a word, no. My sister has signed me up to some dating app. Oh GOD. It says I like “the smell of summer rain on freshly cut grass” and “Netflix and swill”. What the fuck is Netflix and swill? Hang on, my fake profile has an explanation. “I like to think I invented Netflix and swill, it means chilling in front of a good programme with a great glass of Malbec.”’
‘Netflix and swill sounds like it could be a kinky sex thing.’
‘Oh god, you’re right.’ I cringe. ‘Stop laughing, this is not funny.’
I scowl across the table at him. He straightens up his quite smug face and brushes his dark hair away from his eyes, trying to look contrite.
I try to delete all trace of Date My Sibling but it’s not an easy app to navigate. I vaguely register the fact that Joe’s started talking but it’s background noise. He’s … clapping his hands. What a douche. I continue to ignore him and scramble to find the log-out option. Can I just delete the whole thing in settings? Pretty sure Joe just called himself a genius. Why’s he being so distracting? Hang on, here! Is this where I delete my profile? Joe’s started waving at me to get my attention. Exasperated, I shoot him a fleeting look.
‘What is it?’
‘Wow, you’re rude when you’re busy.’
‘I’ve just been set up on a dating app against my will with a very creepy sounding profile, Joe. And now a man called Kenny, who describes himself as a “die-hard Hufflepuff”, has expressed an interest. His likes include writing Twilight fan fiction so, you know, now’s not a great time!’ How did Poppy even manage to install the app on my phone? If she unlocked my phone while I was asleep last night I will be exceptionally cross.
‘Sophie, Sophie, Sophie.’ Joe grins.
‘I’m kind of in a bind here,’ I mutter.
‘I think I can help,’ Joe says, hands up like he’s trying to tame a wild beast. ‘Could you put your phone down for just one minute?’
‘Can you delete my profile?’ I show Joe my phone and he gingerly eases it out of my hands.
‘I can do better than that.’
It’s at this point that I notice Joe looks like he’s just won the lottery.
‘Go on,’ I say, distracted by the fact that my phone is still pinging with app notifications.
‘We should fake a relationship,’ he says.
‘Okay, hand my phone back, you’re clearly a mad man.’
‘Just … wait,’ he soothes. ‘Will you give me a couple of minutes to explain my brilliant plan?’
‘The last person who told me they had a “brilliant plan” set me up on this bloody app, so no.’
‘Exactly! My new plan can help with that.’
I’m ever so slightly intrigued. ‘You have one minute and then I’m going to need my phone back and possibly a plane ticket out of here.’
His smile broadens as he steeples his fingers together.
‘Sophie, it strikes me that you and I are in a similar boat. You don’t want to be set up on any more dates by your sister and I’ve had enough of being mothered by the flirts at school. The other week Olivia made Sid a fish pie with “hidden vegetables” in it. I knew Sid wouldn’t touch it because he’s a fussy little bugger so I ate it myself. Spent the next twenty-four hours bent over the loo puking my guts up. I can’t risk another bout of food poisoning, Sophie, I just can’t.’
I pull a face.
‘That does sound bad,’ I concede. ‘But these women are trying to look out for you.’
