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“You couldn't.”
“I do, sweetheart. I love you for everything you do and everything you are. No exceptions. Past, present, and future.”
She'd never thought to hear him say this to her. Never dreamed he could accept her all the way through. And then she realized why that was.
“I never thought I'd find someone to love me for who I really am,” she said, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“You don't have any idea how loveable you are, do you?”
She shook her head and pain shot through her. But that was wasn't why she was wincing. It was because he was right. In her heart of hearts, she hadn't thought anyone could ever really love her. Because she hadn't truly loved – or accepted – herself.
“No,” she whispered.
“I love you because you're kind. I love you because you're sweet. I love the softness you keep hidden from everyone but me. I love you because you're the most loving person I've ever known.”
He shifted his face so close to hers that his breath feathered across her lips.
“I love you because you're you.”
And then, as he gently kissed her, Janica felt a true, deep warmth spread through her, starting deep in her heart.
Finally, amazingly, she'd found real love.
Chapter Twenty-five
Later, when she woke up in the dark, Luke was still holding her hand. His chair was pulled up to the side of her bed and his head was resting on the mattress in what had to be a distinctly uncomfortable position.
Even though she still felt like crap on the outside, on the inside, in the place where her heart had started to shrivel up and die, she felt great.
Amazing.
Fantastic.
Because she knew, without even a shadow of a doubt, just how much Luke loved her.
Sensing that she was awake, Luke lifted his head and smiled at her. He looked gorgeously rumpled, a world apart from the tightly wound doctor he'd been for so long.
Her love for him had been the last thing she'd thought of before everything went black after the crash.
“You saved me.”
His smiled fell away, but he didn't let go of her hand. “No, I didn't. I didn't want anyone else to touch you, I didn't trust anyone else to save you, but I couldn't operate. Not when cutting into you would have been like slicing open my own heart.”
Her insides warmed, her heart beating even stronger, steadier with every word he spoke.
“You stepped aside?”
“I'm sorry, Janica. I should have been stronger. I should have been the one—”
She didn't have the strength to throw her arms around him. Instead, she squeezed his hand and said, “Don't you see? You did save me. Because you made sure I got exactly what I needed.” She paused as a tear slipped down her cheek. “You made sure I would be here to keep loving you, Luke. Forever.”
* * *
He knew how weak she was, how tired, and yet he had to kiss her again. Gently, he pressed his lips to hers, only a little surprised when she kissed him right back much harder.
Janica Ellis was one tough chick.
His tough chick.
He wanted to believe her, wanted to believe he really had played a part in saving her.
“I can see your brain whirring into overdrive,” Janica said. “Share with me. Please.”
He looked at her, her big brown eyes so full of love. Understanding. He'd never given her his complete trust. He'd never shared all of himself with her. Because he'd been afraid.
But almost losing her had scared him more than anything else ever could.
Even letting her into the deepest darkest parts of his heart.
“When my mother died, everything changed.”
“Of course it did.”
“No.” He didn't want her to let him off the hook this time. “I changed. I thought that maybe, somehow if I'd been a better son, a better person then maybe I could have saved her.”
“You were ten years old.”
“And I've spent the last twenty-five years trying to save her.”
Tears were coming again now, not just from Janica, but from him too. He never cried, hadn't cried one single time since he was ten years old.
Not until last night.
“It's time for me to let go.” He ran his thumb across the top of Janica's hand. “I know that now. Because of you. I need you so badly. I've always needed you.”
He wasn't surprised by her smile, even as tears ran from her eyes. “I know that. I've always known it.” Her smile wobbled. “I need you too.”
But that was still what he didn't understand. “Why me? You're beautiful, incredible, brilliant. You could have anyone.”
“I kept telling myself to stop loving you. To stop being stupid and praying for you to come around, but I couldn't help it. You're it for me, Dr. Carson. The only man I'll ever want again. The man I want to have children with and share my future with. I want you to be the husband I can count on and I want nights of incredible passion with you and I want you to be my best friend. I even love all of the things I tease you about.”
Working like hell to take everything she was saying in and knowing he was failing, that he was going to have to ask her to say it all again and again, he said, “And you taught me how to have fun. You showed me everything I've been missing, everything I've been blind about. I don't want to be blind anymore.”
“Don't worry,” she said with that wicked grin he couldn't help but love. “I'm always going to make you try wild things. And I'm always going to drive you crazy.” But then, her grin shifted to something far less joyful. “But I'll try not to embarrass you too much in public. And here at work.”
Something shifted in him, again, that awful realization about what she'd said regarding Travis that night out on the beach. I see the way he treats Lily. I know how good he is to her. But that doesn't change his past.
Her past. Even after all the reasons he given her about why he loved her, she was worried about the things she'd done. Worried that he would use them against her.
“I know who you were, Janica. And I know who you are now. I love every part of you. The old. The new. Everything you're going to be. I will never be embarrassed by any part of you. You're not going to make me spank you for not listening, are you?”
She blinked at him, a myriad of emotions crossing her face. “No. I won't make you spank me. Not for that anyway.”
His cock stirred even as he tried to stay on task. “I am going to keep loving you every single second for the rest of your life. When we're laughing. When we're making love.” He paused, grinned. “Even when we're fighting and I have to turn you over my knee and bring my palm down on your sweet little ass to make my point.”
